A headline that blares “Gwyneth Paltrow made me lose 40 pounds” is one that you read perhaps feeling–not quite surprised? I mean if nothing else, for associating the image of the GOOPy actress with the thought: thighs, thighs, THIGHS! But here’s the deal, late night comedian, Ross Mathew from Chelsea Lately, formerly, “Intern Ross” at the Tonight Show is crediting his recent weight-loss to Paltrow, Mathew said: “We were taping a Chelsea special, and she pointed at my tummy and said, ‘What’s going on here? I love you. Get it together.’”
Was Gwyneth fat shaming? It’s rude to assume that someone wants to lose weight or that it’s an okay topic to bring up or that they can “just lose the weight”. But, to her credit Paltrow crouched it in warmth — in “love”. There was some curiosity, up until that “get it together” comment.
Perhaps her curiosity could have been hinting at what is the elephant in the room when we discuss weight. In talks of the “obesity epidemic” and in talks of fat-positivity, there is one thing no one is saying: obesity can be a signifier of an eating disorder– of compulsive eating–binging. America doesn’t have an obesity crisis–we have a binging crisis. Was Gwyneth sincerely checking in with his mental health in–what is going on here? Yeah, doubtful. If for no other reason than because NO ONE is talking about this–in either the obesity epidemic or the body acceptance dialogs. But as someone who is body-positive and fat-positive, I think not discussing it is pretty irresponsible.
Binging and compulsive eating seems to be America’s favorite high (oh hai restaurant portions) and it’s a high available to kids. But instead of treating the “obesity epidemic” as something psychological or emotional, we send kids home with BMI’s on their report cards–grading their bodies. We fund billboards about childhood obesity that further shame and embarrass. I can’t imagine a worse start, for anyone susceptible to an eating disorder.
Currently, on all of the “obesity prevention” advisory boards, there are no mental health care professionals for any measures. This was brought up by the body-love blogger Medicinal Marzpian, who tweeted: “It is possible that as a nation, we do not believe that mental/emotional health impacts one’s ability to reach a “healthy” weight? Mental health is a crucial element to any weight or weight-loss conversation!”
Of course, not everyone who is big-bodied has an eating disorder. Some people are born bigger, Many “fat” people are very healthy. But culturally, we don’t see this. It remains socially appropriate for fat to be the punchline to a joke. (Even in the “progressive-because-its-women” Bridesmaids, our beloved 30 Rock.) And we see it without humor in PETA’s ”Save the Whale” ads which feature cartoonish fat and the phrase: lose the blubber, go vegetarian.
And it’s this culture that is adding to the epidemic. According to Dr. Stephen Hinshaw, eating disorders are genetic, people who are genetically pre-disposed to eating disorders get set off by a trigger. Hinshaw theorizes that the reason we are seeing such a rise in eating disorders in the U.S. is the trigger is cultural. In our weight obsessed, fat shaming culture, everyone is at-risk for an eating disorder, and those who are genetically pre-disposed will get triggered. It doesn’t seem much of a stretch that being born with a “big body” is an added trigger, making it all the more easy to spiral out into obsessive thought patterns and disordered eating.
Battling this culture is why the body-acceptence blogosphere and the self-love movement are important. They address that being overweight is a mental, psychological journey. But what this part of the blogosphere sometimes misses is that loving your body and accepting your body doesn’t mean accepting that binging is okay. Body love means trying to take care of your body the best that you can–connecting with those parts inside you that want otherwise.
Did Gwyneth fat-shame her friend? As Jezebel’s Dodai Stewart points out there is a socio economic disparity here, between the A-list actress able to afford personal trainers and macrobiotic diets and the up and coming TV comic. It’s impossible to read tone into Gwyneth’s comment, but as loving and inspiring as Gwyneth may have meant it, as curious as she may have been in asking “waht is going on here?” I find that nothing is as triggering as a negative body comment from someone that you look upto, someone you want to be seen by.
As Stewart said: “It’s hurtful, embarrassing, and objectifying; the other party isn’t seeing you, he or she is only seeing your fat” I think talking about Gwyneth’s statement in terms like this is important in fighting a fat-shaming culture. But can’t we also navigate that while some fat people are healthy, the programs aimed at those who aren’t cannot be helping?
35 Comments
This was a really good article. Because I think America’s obsession with bodies has so little to actually do with bodies. That we see our bodies in a such a limited way, as a commodity for sex and approval and validation, is really depressing. With the absolutely incredible things our bodies do minute by minute, our obsession with attractiveness and desire is a real shame.
You are dead on with saying over-eating is a definite eating disorder, and like all eating disorders, you don’t fix them by shaming and telling someone else how to live. Eating disorders are fixed mentally, not physically. Reading all this stuff about Paltrow’s comment made me sad that someone would be so flippant about another person’s emotional state.
Thanks Eliza! I think your comment is very valuable, that our obsession has so little to do with actual bodies–interesting because our obsession is rooted in the unobtainable, in fantasy, in not actually eating healthy and going to the gym but in these dream-like unrealistic images. And you are right, our bodies are so wondrous and do so many amazing things for us! Our heart, our blood that pumps, our brains. It is so sad we only see them as vessels to be judged for sex and social status.
I was shocked by Paltrow’s statement too, I thought immediately, ouch. But there was that curiosity there some-what, maybe she was willing to talk about eating disorders in asking “what is going on here”? Surely a woman who has been forced into a size two her entire life could empathize!!
Rachel, I find it interesting that you use the collective ‘we’ (“It is so sad we only see them as vessels to be judged for sex and social status”), in a contradiction of the observations of both you and Eliza. Women, on the whole, would agree with you – our bodies are far greater than the sum of our parts.
Discourse on fat is a very public debate, one that stimulates and pacifies so many private matters, it is possible that whilst weight may be an elephant in the room it may also be a menagerie of other animals. Some fierce, some meek, all at once. Meaning, it is possible to be self-aware – ‘a hunter’ and simultaneously ‘self-rewarding’. The media may keep us captivated by the spectacle of others and our own objectification but in daily life – behind the scenes – we make our own choices. I do not mean to say that there aren’t triggers and serious health issues that make these ‘choices’ so much harder but that we make sacrifices in negotiating the space we are happy to inhabit.
To me, it reads that Paltrow was challenging the space that Mathew was inhabiting, she questioned his choice — “what’s going on here”. She, as you say, knows the pressure of being body conscious. She also knows that it is possible to make the choice to “get it together”, and (I’m on a limb here), in acknowledging the ‘extra’ 40 pounds was saying that there is no “socio-economic divide” — they are equal. She was stating that he was in a position to ‘help’ himself in a way he perhaps hadn’t given himself permission to – her comment helped and stimulated him. Whether it upsets anyone else, on a personal level, is secondary – what comes first is taking things at face-value…
Lily, you are right, I almost just unconsciously use the word “we”. And while I hope women on the whole would agree that we are shamed about our bodies, when these thoughts then live in our heads, it feels like we end up perpetuating them, if only privately.
I love what you are saying in this: “To me, it reads that Paltrow was challenging the space that Mathew was inhabiting, she questioned his choice — “what’s going on here”. She, as you say, knows the pressure of being body conscious.”
As my friend Mara, from the fabulous blog Medidcinal Marzipan said to me on IM, some people can’t afford to binge on organic and healthy foods, some people can’t afford to go hit the gym after binging.
And of course, it goes beyond whether or not he could afford a personal trainer and diet as to whether or not he could afford it MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY. I hate how the answer is always “diet and exercise” when for some of us, diet and exercise are just another behavior to engage in, can be MORE unhealthy.
As a fat girl, how can I not comment?
There’s a fine line to be walked; first of all, I think if you’re overweight and you can’t face that fact, you have bigger internal issues than anything else. I am fat, and I am perfectly fine with being called fat, provided it’s not an insult. I am often warmly described by friends and family as fat and cute, or other such comments, and it really doesn’t bother me, because I know that being fat is not the extent of me! I am so much more than that! But just because I’m not defined by my weight doesn’t mean I should be offended if people don’t ignore it.
And I absolutely agree that it should be a health issue, not an image issue. I am, for the most part, really healthy. But – for example – in the past couple of weeks I’ve felt just a little less energetic, so I’m changing my diet, doing a little more exercise, and before long I’ll feel happy/healthy again. But that’s what we should be pushing for: health!
I have a problem with those who use weight to insult people; but I have a bigger problem with people who think being fat is a really positive thing. It is neither. It is beside the point. Health and happiness are utmost when it comes to our bodies.
And finally… Gwyneth? Well, I like her a little too much to write her off for some ill-advised comments. Even my best friends think things I’m not sure of. I guess, to me, she’s just a little flawed. But I can live with it. Hope her kids grow up with a reasonable image of people as they are and should be.
Imagine sitting at a large dinner table with ten or so people. You may or may not know each of them personally, but, as is customary/expected, you make judgments based upon a variety of observable qualities: one guest has a shitty fire-engine red dye job, another slurps his soup.
The guy who’s sitting across from you has left the table twice, within the span of 45 minutes, to smoke a cigarette. When he returns from his second recess, an uptight (you’ve concluded) woman next to you comments upon his habit, asking him how many cigarettes he smokes in a day.
“About a pack and a half,” he replies.
The woman shakes her head. “You seem young,” she begins to say, “and I saw that you rode your bike over. Why do you smoke when you know it will probably give you cancer? You realize you won’t be able to ride your bike for long if you keep it up at THIS rate.”
———————————–
It is not considered disrespectful to “educate” a smoker about how and why his habit is disgusting. You can even mention that it will give him cancer and might even kill him, and still, you would not be “out-of-bounds” by contemporary standards of public conversation. Why? Perhaps because smoking has been scientifically proven to kill, or because it is generally unhealthy for everyone who inhales the smoke, or because it’s wasteful/too expensive/etc, etc, etc. Point is, you can chastise someone for smoking a cigarette without any definite repercussions.
Keeping this in mind, let’s turn our attention back to the dinner party, where you’ve noticed an overweight-edging-on-obese girl who looks like she couldn’t be any older than 19 or 20. She’s had dinner and has asked for dessert, which (you think to yourself) she clearly does not need, if we’re going on her poor physical state. You wait for the woman next to you to hop up on her soapbox once more and critique this girl, for she’s unhealthy too – but the criticism does not come. Why?
There are arbitrary “filters” which our modern society has adopted which purports that it is, for some reason, morally wrong to call someone out on being overweight or obese. Is it because we’re afraid that their feelings will be hurt? That’s part of it. But, for me, there is absolutely NO distinction between the choice to smoke cigarettes and the choices to eat as unhealthily as one pleases, for both lifestyle choices wreck the body and could be potentially fatal.
Political correctness is the ultimate perpetuator of such ridiculous social mores – and I say this is something that desperately needs to be addressed.
Thank you Rachel — could you clarify the first couple of sentences of your reply?
I think everyone (who can afford to buy food) can afford to eat healthily – market stalls have cheaper and fresher veg than supermarkets — at least here in England.
Perhaps social wealth supports a healthy lifestyle? Whether the local shop will carry things that are better for a person rather than cheap in every way. The desire to binge is one of saturation, how much does a person need to feel fulfilled? The ideal community would look out for the lonely, the underdog, the victim – the unwell (as the binger is assumed to be) and we hope they would support them. Is this not what Paltrow was doing? The non-ideal community is alienating; uncaring, uninterested, unsympathetic. Isn’t this what the binger is perpetuating in themselves?
Parks are fit for exercise, telephone directories make great free weights. As for being able to afford it mentally – one is far more able to stand up to things when feeling strong — beat the bullies into shape. I am worried that the portrait you are painting is of a person disabled by their own problems. Most people, given even a little encouragement, are happier on the whole when they’re looking after themselves, as Lady Grinning Soul said: “doing a little more exercise, and before long I’ll feel happy/healthy again”.
LGS, I like this line of thinking, rather than focusing on body positive, move more toward body-respect and health-positive. For people with eating disorders, I think you have to arrive at body positvity, but then move towards a focus on health.
And I am, surprisingly, with you on liking Gwyneth! I feel like she gets a ton of shit from places like Jezebel, and I am not sure why–does she have an uber bad track record or something? She is a great actress and obviously beautiful.
Also, LGS, I am curious what you think about fat-fetishes. I find myself sometimes being really into bigger girls and their creamy curvy bodies. Once you let go of the media’s idea of what is beautiful, the floodgates open to seeing beauty in so many places.
Jacqueline, Here is the only flaw in that: skinny people can be really unhealthy too. When I was engaging heavily in eating disorder behaviors though and really harming my body, at that dinner party what I would get is “You look great” — “You look glamorous!” Proving that we are fucked when it comes to our idea of health just by looking at people.
And further, say, at this dinner party, you saw a thin girl, spooning her food around–would a lecture really help? It’s the same for someone whose eating disorder is binging.
Lily, So say you are a family who immigrated from Mexico to live in the U.S., actually Morgan Spurlock took on a family like this in his documentary series about food, so we will use that. He followed this family and found that they could feed their entire family on McDonalds on their budget–or they could homecook, rice, beans, maybe some veggies. But a working-class family like this has to work long hours, and cooking ends up not fitting into the schedule. So it’s more than just being able to buy greens, it’s about time to prep. And it’s also about calories, and choosing calorie rich foods to sustain a days work. But this example is more about making unhealthy choices by circumstance–and how poverty feeds this. I would say, maybe, this is a separate issue from binging being American as apple pie. Thoughts?
I agree that most people are happier when they can look after themselves, but, eating disorders, in my opinion are more like OCD behaviors. It’s not just about being sad, or bored. I think it is genetic, and something wired into the brain.
And to everyone on this thread, is it just me or are we all touching on a lot of “big ideas” here but none of us able to grasp them, firmly? I had the same problem when I wrote this piece, I had to force myself to come down hard on some points. And I notice we are all touching on a lot–being airy–is it just that there is SO much here to unpack?
If nothing is said, then the ultra-thin OR the ultra-fat OR the ultra-depressed girl or boy or woman or man has such a great potential for remaining mesmerized by that overwhelming feeling of singularity; I remember feeling a distinct hatred for anyone who commented upon my being “too thin”, but it was a necessary “evil” in a way that it clued me in to my own disordered thinking (that I wasn’t sick, that nobody cared, that it wasn’t noticeable, you know the rest). But even HERE I do believe there is still a disparity, for there is a community of SUPPORT for heroin-chic. It’s much more plausible that an eating-disordered (anorexic) woman might receive an “oh my gosh, you’re so skinny, you look great” from a passerby than a “goodness, you look ill, please seek help”. Exact opposite is true for an overweight/obese individual, who may be JUST as eating-disordered as the starving woman, but would warrant negative feedback or none at all before any positive criticism would arise. Both are sick, but the sad fact is that Western society breeds eating disorders of BOTH kinds, but prefers one over the other: thin over fat. Destructive prejudice indeed.
It seems like everyone is too fat or too thin these days. Don’t eat too much, but don’t eat too little! Apparently now an obsession with healthy eating is an eating disorder in it’s own right -orthorexia. What the? I’m waiting for the day when too average a body size is given a medicalised term. Perhaps Normorosis, or Perfectly Adequate Syndrome.
Jacqueline, I totally relate. I can’t help but notice, as I said in the piece, that nothing is more triggering than wanting to be seen by people, whether it’s your parents, or your boyfriend or someone else important in your life, the most maddening feeling is that you are shrinking (or growing) and still, no one sees you. No one notices.
It is *really* hard to know what to say when someone seems to be engaging in behavior–I just went through this with someone very close to me, when I let the relationship fall as she went deeper and deeper into her eating disorder.
But I think if you notice someone gaining/losing, saying: “is everything okay?” works fine.
Camilla, haha! I’m glad we can draw in a sense of humour here, wry as it may be.
This reminds me actually of that aforementioned episode of 30 Rock where Jenna’s charcter gains weight and Jack tells her–lose 15 or gain 30. It does seem we are most uncomfortable with “average” weights–especially in Hollywood. I always found this frustrating, when I started this blog I weighed about 25 lbs more than I do now, I was coming off an eating disorder and I gained. I was also fluxing to binging rather than other behaviors. And I felt strange, being so public, having my photo out there being not skinny but also not fat. Like, somehow that was more uncomfortable.
Jacqueline- I have to disagree with you on this one. I think that commenting on someone’s smoking is really rude. I do not smoke, but most of my friends do, and they often talk about how rude and unnecessary it is when other people comment upon it. They are aware that what they do is harmful, every adult knows smoking causes cancer, and it isn’t really anyone else’s job to police them. Every time I ride a bicycle without a helmet, I don’t need someone standing behind me saying, “you could smash your skull!” We all do harmful things, it is not someone else’s job to tell us it’s bad.
Also, why is it helpful to comment on a fat girl eating dessert, but not on a thin girl eating dessert? The thin girl is being just as unhealthy and glutenous, the thin girl doesn’t need that dessert either, so why would it be more appropriate to approach the fat girl? I’m not sure this comes from a place of concern for health, but more a judgement on somone else’s body.
Lily- I think you might be oversimplifying weight loss and healthy lifestyles. As this article so aptly points out, eating disorders are about more than just diet, and lovingly approaching someone about their mental health is very different than commenting upon their body.
I don’t think that Gwyneth was being really bad by saying this to him, and he obviously was not concerned with it, I think what is interesting about this situation is the underlying cultural issues it reflects. I think Americans have this unhealthy fantasy that being thin means being happy. All of our problems will be solved if we just had our ideal body.
I am a naturally thin person, and I do not think I am any more or less happy than a heavier girl. My life has very little to do with the body-type I have. Some clothes look good, some do not. I have had both nice and horrible things said about my body. I have friends, boyfriends and a loving family, and I have enemies, disinterested men, and family drama. Sometimes I feel good, other times I feel lousy. America perpetuates this myth that looking good is everything, and that image equals happiness, when in fact it has so little to do with our actual level of joy.
What a disappointment it would be to lose so much weight and work so hard, and still have all of the same emotional issues. It reminds me of when I was fourteen and thought my life would be infinitely better if I had a boyfriend. Years down the road, when that boyfriend came into the picture, I was shocked to realized I had all the same insecurities and problems I had before, as well as a whole new set of them. It was naive to think such change would completely turn my life around, and it is the same with thinking dropping a few pounds will magically make you happy.
and sorry for the crazy long comment!
In response to what I think of fat fetishes…
To be honest, it squicks me a bit; I don’t think I could be with someone who was with me because of my weight. But then I’d feel the same if I was skinny. And it really really squicks me when we get into weight-gaining fetishes, or forcefeeding etc. That makes me really uncomfortable, because – again – it’s not about health; in fact it’s the opposite.
I always seem to come to the conclusion that I like people who like women. Particularly men who just delight in the female body, and are attracted to whatever they’re attracted to in the moment. That feels genuine and healthy.
And I am so with you on liking bigger girls! I find myself constantly turning my head to watch girls with gorgeous, round bums, or great breasts, or – the best one – curved stomachs, walk down the road. I still dream about the redhead I saw on the bus with her milky skin and soft body. There is almost nothing sexier than a round, healthy girl with a great smile.
Haha, I realised I just contradicted myself: not into fat fetishes, but into bigger girls. Hmm…
I think there is a difference between fat fetishes, and being attracted to people with extra curves and flesh… I wanted to chat with that girl on the bus just as much as I wanted to kiss her.
Eliza, I agree – it is easy to over simplify weight loss/healthy lifestyles, but for the sake of clarity I wrote it that way. I think everyone involved in the discussion here is aware of the issues and the debate is interesting.
Rachel, in response to your example, I think it might be slightly different in England. We have a strong history of Indian and Chinese immigration in this country as well as a large Pakistani population. My friends from these countries regualrly eat together socially, and often in the restaurants some of them own or work in,while at home it is important that the wife/mother is able to cook for the family. There is a pride in food preparation. The Polish students next door get together too in the evenings and socialise – I think in a lot of ways this makes for far healthier habits than eating alone.
Incidentally, I want to make it clear, I am not for a second making out that I speak for the majority – but in England there is definitely a history of small business owners and workers who live this way.
In London, and other town centres, McDonalds is popular with tourists and young people. It is easy and affordable for the non-fussy eater. I don’t particularly want to pursue that subject because, in this country at least, there are arguments about the so-called ‘class’ of their customers. In the paper today is a piece about how the meat for their restaurants is actually sourced more ethically here … It is important that fast-food does not become a catch-all for criticism.
As far as the attitude to ‘fatness’ goes here, I have heard of as many comments made to fat as to thin, smokers as to non, straight as to gay etc People will always point out differences. One thing I have noticed is an almost stubborn plus-size attitude — an indignant assertion that ‘ I occupy this space and you better not p*** me off .’ It’s both self-defensive and intimidating simultaneously. Approaching someone with that attitude is at your peril!
Lastly, about men – Paltrow’s comment was addressed to one after all, they MAY have a slightly different relationship to weight again… In this country a beer gut is an, almost, acceptable symbol of manhood. The abuse of alcohol, which masquerades as sociable, is as much to blame for poor personal and social health as anything else…
Eliza – I completely agree that it is unnecessary to chide a smoker, for they are most definitely fully aware of the “consequences” of his/her habit. You were correct to point out that doing so may be considered rude, pretentious(?), holier-than-thou, etc.; but this is a subjective standpoint, though it is just as valid as my own. My reason for drawing the comparison was to present the double-standard, as far as being able to comment on one unhealthy habit and not the other (they are both habits, but I submit that they exist on different planes as far as utility/neurosis/addiction/ability to “overcome” them).
And let’s posit that the girl eating the dessert HAD been the ultra-thin ED character; I still feel it would be less, hm, UNCOUTH (shameful?politically correct?unacceptable?) to point out HER unhealthy choice than that of the obese individual. Both perhaps equally ill and disordered, but still disparate on the spectrum of public discourse – and THIS is the issue I was discussing. It was not an attempt to stratify or make one illness/epidemic/”habit” seem worse than another (of course I have my opinions) but to respond to Rachel’s question of the “elephant in the room”, which I believe to be an extreme fear of fat in all its manifestations and unwittingly so. Modern society, specifically in the Western world, is so afraid of obesity that it chooses not to deal with it in a direct fashion, which Rachel points out and I was attempting to illustrate. The bias, although seemingly roundabout, definitely exists.
Eliza & all,
When I was filmed for CNN, the reporter told me about another woman whose story they thought about doing, but she was overweight amongst other things, and the reporter said she hated saying this, but the audience would react poorly to that. The producers wouldn’t want to put her on TV.
Maybe it’s that I am coming from the eating disordered camp, but whether it’s partly imagined or not, I really feel thinness has so much to do with he choices presented to me. The opportunities I get.
I am very aware of the fact that I am thin right now (and that I am the thinnest I’ve been in a long time.) And it is a fucking burden. I feel as though being a blogger– being someone who is trying to make a career being “public”– that my thinness is a “value”. This keeps me in negative thought patterns, and while I try my best to not engage in behaviors and stay healthy, those thought patterns are there.
Maybe I would have had the same career opportunities, like CNN, if I hadn’t lost the 20 pounds, or if I had gained 20 more…. But our culture prizes thinness and demands it from our more “public” figures. So, I feel stuck.
It also brings up the question of beauty, how would my life be different if I wasn’t “beautiful” or if I didn’t try “subscribing to the beauty myth”–wearing make-up, dressing up, etc. How would yours?
And Yes thank you Lily, for bringing up the male thing! I noticed this thread was uniquely female, and that makes sense to me. The body-love movement is also mostly female and eating disorders are largely associated with women. But the thing is, I’ve known and dated A LOT of men who either have eating disorders or have engaged in eating disordered behavior. I think the stats we see don’t reflect the truth, that maybe it’s harder for men to come forward about their eating disorders, whether it’s in getting treatment, or just talking about it online!
Rachel; thank you for addressing a silenced but immensely important issue in such a thoughtful manner! I’ll be sharing this post.
Thanks Q.M. per my last comment, ALSO DONT WANT TO sound like: “oowwhh poor meee” in my last comment– what I want to discuss is how thinness or fatness actually plays into privilege Worded otherwise–I want to point out the fact that we don’t prize “fat” women culturally–and this harms women who have bigger bodies.
IN THAT– that they are not given the same opportunities, aren’t taken as seriously in the “career world” etc. I am interested in other people’s experiences with this. Also I’ve been drinking Four Loko, for the first time in my life.
Also wanted to share some links. First Healthy Girl who does discuss compulsive eating along w/body acceptance: http://healthygirl.org/
Or this debate: http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2011/02/11/hello-i-am-fat
Rachel- it is very true that thinness comes with a huge amount of privilege. Thanks for pointing that out, because it is true.
At the same time, being a man comes with a huge amount of privilege, but I in no way feel like I would be happier if I was a man. Would I get better opportunities? Yes. Would I be treated with more respect? Absolutely. Would I make more money? No doubt. But I would not be happier. I wouldn’t love myself any more, and I would not be more content with my circumstances.
It’s easy to glorify thinness because we see weight as something we control, while gender and race and economic class are much much harder, or impossible, to change. But thinness does not equate self-esteem and good body image, and it certainly does not equate happiness.
I also think this has a lot to do with how much media has changed, and how important image has become. If you were writing a hundred years ago, how you look would have very little to do with how famous you were. I wonder at the ways our signifiers of quality have changed with the new-found importance of image, even in jobs where image has very little to do with the work.
Wow, there is such a great discourse already in the comment section, I hope I can add something valuable!
I think the comment Gwyneth Paltrow made to her friend is completely unnecessary and rude. Underlying the supposedly “constructive” criticism is the idea that her friend is out of line by DARING to weigh more than the norm (whatever that may be) and is loosing his sense of self-control by doing so. She may have thought that she was helping him – she has received many opportunities in her life as an actress/singer/what-have-you, and maybe she wanted her friend to have equal success.
If this is the case, is it wise for her to assume that the only way her friend will be successful is if he looks the part? Is it smart for her to try to fit her friend into a mold so that others will accept him? I don’t believe that’s helpful. If anything, we need to see successful people off all different shapes and sizes – success needs to be dependent on talent and not weight. Maybe Gwyneth was simply trying to be a good friend, but shaming someone into skinniness is over-riding their autonomy.
Privilege? I would walk away from a situation I felt was ‘prizing’ me for anything, which I think can put one at a complete disadvantage. Praised by those who should know better, resented by those who possibly do.
If this bloke didn’t want to lose the weight he wouldn’t have. As for men having more privileges than women, again, it depends on what your idea of privilege is.
Personal success, whether it’s losing weight or achieving a goal, is a personal achievement. Whether anyone helps you on the way is their choice. Paltrow, I feel, wanted to help Mathew. Women, in my experience, would rarely address another woman in this way for fear of being called a bitch or not a team player — which I think is how some women may have responded to her comment vicariously.
I must admit I am not familiar with Mr Mathew and I have no idea what Paltrow is like in person. The issues raised here are, of course, relevant in the public sphere but to take them on on any personal level is folly. Believing that one comment can hold the key to someone’s success or ‘failure’ is making the argument blurry. If the media repetitively make you feel insignificant look elsewhere for validation – perhaps starting with a mirror. Or if that’s uncomfortable, the written word, or if your reflection (in any sense of the word) makes you unhappy do some work to recover happiness. But, as I would advise any friend with an eating disorder of any kind, DO NOT underestimate yourself.
SO MUCH THIS COMMENT:
“At the same time, being a man comes with a huge amount of privilege, but I in no way feel like I would be happier if I was a man. Would I get better opportunities? Yes. Would I be treated with more respect? Absolutely. Would I make more money? No doubt. But I would not be happier. I wouldn’t love myself any more, and I would not be more content with my circumstances.” So well said, Eliza. Thank you!
& Eliza, It seems, we glorify thinness out of glorifying control. It might be simplified to say we prize restraint when living in a time of excess, but there is truth in that generalization.
Also, you are so right about it changing “with the times”. Our culture is so obsessed with celebrity and making our public figures VERY public. We demand perfection from our public figures then damn them when they don’t live upto it. On Gala Darling’s blog she has a great thread going on about the pressure to be thin as a fashion blogger: And if I feel it in my field of blogging, I can’t imagine the pressure on the girls who are posting photos of themselves in every post.
Gala’s thread:
http://galadarling.com/article/body-pressure-in-the-blogosphere-bloggers-speak-up
http://galadarling.com/article/body-pressure-in-the-blogosphere-bloggers-speak-up-part-two
Jessie, you make a good point about Gwyneth pressuring him into the mold when he is out. Clearly, this doesn’t help anyone! If we don’t like the shackles of beauty standards, then we shouldn’t perpetuate them. In this way Gwyneth is part of the problem. And this could be “slave mentality” or picking on siblings syndrome. The slave doesn’t hit the master, but beats on fellow slaves.
Lily, I think male privilege, white privilege and thin/pretty privilege are all very real and so pervasive in our culture, we don’t even really see them. That’s not to say we are always impacted by them, all the time, but it is a part of our world and American culture. Because it is cultural, it is rooted in everything, every job interview you go into, every interaction, that you can’t run away from it. But certainly, we can surround ourselves with people who make us feel good, we see us for us, etc. You are so right about that, and this deserves repeating.
We look at people who are “not recovered” but have eating disorders as weak, as victims of magazines and MTV and etc. People with eating disorders, in my experience are highly intelligent, they are strong, they are emotionally savvy. But too often, we can’t see those things about ourselves, and we do need to be supported and reminded. Because that is how we get to recovery.
“Carefree White Girl is surely the stuff our dreams are (or should be) made of. Let us always try to get to where she is, or rather, where we’re presently not. ”
A little light (?) satire: http://www.carefreewhitegirl.com
LOL “While listening to the Shins, Carefree White Girl gets an idea and tells her summer fling “to get up,” that they will go to the train station and board a train going ”anywhere on the coast with a waterfall.” He lifts himself up on his elbows, stares at her for a moment and says, “Shit, I think I love you,” Carefree White Girl chuckles, places her head on his thigh and says “Caring is creepy.”
Except, I don’t agree with this blog’s consensus that Kreayshawn is totally problematic. Though that could be because I have been listening to Kreayshawn’s mixtape all day: http://www.datpiff.com/Kreayshawn-Kreayshawn-X-The-Bay-feat-V-nasty-mixtape.240014.html Warning. It’s dancably addicting #onebigroom
HaHaHa, I laughed out loud at that last week too! Here in England it’s time to be snoozin’ so I’m signing off.
Just read this and wanted to share: “10 year old boys experimenting with bulimia”: http://jezebel.com/5812889/10+year+old-boys-are-experimenting-with-bulimia
I am glad the issue of eating disorders amongst both males and young people is being tackled, and I am glad the Jez writer sees that: ” simply experimenting with this behavior is an early warning sign of eating disorders.”
The writer ends with: “hopefully the study will also prompt more research into how to prevent this behavior.” This choice of words irks me: “prevent this behavior” and I’m still untangling why. If nothing else, for what we’ve been discussing here: that eating disorders are genetic and set off by triggers. So you prevent the triggers, not the behaviors. Something is triggering more and more boys and at younger ages. I would again make the jump to the conclusion that the trigger is cultural, and that how it has such a large reach.
Wonderfully insightful article as always, Rabbit. You are so adept at opening up a thoughtful dialogue, especially on such a sensitive subject.
For two years, I tangled with being semi-recognized as an “online personality”, even though that was really by association, as my boyfriend at the time was a well-known online video reviewer. While it was a thrill to be noticed – as you pointed out so aptly in one of your comments, we all want to be “seen” by people – being put under the microscope became a huge trigger for body consciousness. Because I dared to be curvier than your average media belle (even in my genre of “geek media”, which still only seems to celebrate very slender women like Felicia Day and Kari Byron), abuse was spat in my direction right and left. Over time, my self confidence grew enough to crowd out the meanness, but it triggered me several times to re-engage the unhealthy habits of my late teens and early twenties.
I agree with Jaqueline’s comment that chiding a person who smokes seems to be somehow more politically correct than other kinds of shaming, but I’m of the mind that ALL kinds of shaming are rude and uncalled for, regardless of how much merit or “concern” (genuine or otherwise) your words hold. But there’s another notable dichotomy that should be pointed out: it’s generally considered taboo to make jokes about a person’s race, religion, or sexual orientation (although the latter certainly still gets played up for laughs) – but it seems like fat jokes are found in nearly every mainstream comedic television show or film these days. And if not someone’s weight, jokes are made about their looks in other ways. (Height, size of their nose, hairy body, etc etc). Really gives “physical comedy” a whole new and unwelcome definition.
Really though, the graphic you used at the top of your post says it all, Rabbit. Beauty isn’t so much in the eye of the individual beholder as it is in the collective – namely, the media. And whether it’s an individual, an organization, a Hollywood script writer, or whoever that’s shaming a person for their physical appearance – the distinction is immaterial. It’s shameful in and of itself. Can we have a coalition who shames the shamers? I’d donate to that campaign! =)
So I hope I don’t manage to put my foot in my mouth here
Now, before I go into any other views, I really think we as a society have some unrealistic images of what people should look like. As your post points out, there is fat shaming, especially among women. There are so many various elements that are telling women to get smaller and smaller. On the other side of that coin, we as men are told to get bigger and bigger. I have countless friends who just want to “be a little bigger”. Add that ten extra pounds.
With that being said, I think the pro body love is a little too pro body love. There’s a unique difference in loving who you are an accepting the features of your particular body, and accepting being unhealthy. I chose the word unhealthy because not everyone who looks a certain way is unhealthy, but in this instance those who are slightly bigger. However, no matter how you slice it, at some point, being overweight without some reason, is bad for you. So often people say they have a condition that makes them bigger. That is 100% true. That does not mean you still don’t have to eat right or exercise though. Being really overweight is physically taxing on your organs and reduce your lifespan by a few years, not to mention it makes your mortality rates under various medical treatments sky rocket.
I think the pro body love movement is wonderful, but it doesn’t seem to promote health. From what I’ve seen, it promotes a high self esteem, and positive thoughts, but it never promotes exercise, or eating right. The overall behavior needs to be assessed and changed with that love my body mentality still in place. I feel that it should be more that you as a person have value and when you are healthy, you can realize your full potential.
As far as weight and opportunities go, it’s very true that thinner people tend to be more successful. I would guess it would have to do with associating overweight with lack of self control, lack of effort, and lack clear foresight. I saw you talked about CNN, and I don’t think it’s strictly about being thin. It’s the idea that if you can’t control your weight, how can I trust you to do you job efficiently?? Of course there’s no direct correlation, nor is everyone who is bigger big because they sit on the couch and eat ice cream all day. It’s just unfortunate that when see and overweight person, you have a tendency to associate those negative things with them.
You make SUCH a good point, especially to me, someone who has struggled with binge eating as an eating disorder in the past (too many people assume EDs only mean AN/BN!)… we have a binging epidemic. So true. You’ve inspired me; I’ll probably link to this/write about this sometime…
This is a great post. Especially this: “America doesn’t have an obesity crisis–we have a binging crisis.” Mental health IS preventative health, yet it is the hardest to gain access to and the most misunderstood.
Scarlett, ahh yes so with you on the physical comedy thing. I think what we see in comedy is really interesting, especially “physical comedy”.
For instance, women’s bodies are only funny if they are fat. They are either fat and funny or sexy and thin. Men’s bodies are considered funny–no matter what. I don’t think this is necessarily a good thing, since this doesn’t really allow male bodies to be sexually celebrated.
BUT I kinda want women to be a part of gross-out humor, fart-jokes and all that. (And we are seeing more of this–ala Bridesmaids) Women being excluded from gross out humor is the possibly the core reason we clench our collective ass-cheeks around new boyfriends, the reason we wait until the restaurant to #2 (you guys have done that right??) I could go off on a rant here, about how the gender roles in fart jokes set us up for poor colonic health (holding in = not good) and feeling shame, but maybe that’s a different piece.
Thoughts on that one appreciated!
Sui, would love to read something like this by you! xx
With you Sara!!
All: Also just read this quote fro Maragret Cho & wanted to share: “Certain types of female beauty are valued more than others. Blond-ness and thin-ness have a lot of power in the world. Intelligence and values and depth are sometimes undervalued in comparison. I think what’s really important is to enjoy our beauty without having to put it on a social meter, or a social scale. Where it’s more valuable if you’re thin, it’s more valuable if you’re white, it’s more valuable if you’re blonde or young or whatever. It’s important to have on television some sort of example of real, beautiful women who are in relationships, who are being pursued, who have opportunities to love but also to be right. To be succesful. To win. And these women look different from whatever the norm is in movies or television.”
I don’t have any brilliant analysis of this fact, but it should be noted that Gwyneth Paltrow was on the cover of Bon Appetit a few months back when they got their new editor, and she had a feature within that included more visual attention to her butt than to the halibut.