My mother always told me, “Don’t have butt-sex. No, don’t ever do it!” she’d caution, arms flailing, playing her I’m-a-registered-nurse card. “That area was NOT made for that!”

“Have you ever done it?” I would slyly inquire. To this, she’d give a huff and an almost believably-acted, “No!”

At the time, I hadn’t done it either. I didn’t buy her “It’s wrong!” shtick, but I still feared the inevitable anal proposals to come. For the prior three and a half years I had convinced my then born-again Christian boyfriend that we needed something to save for marriage.

It’s a safe bet to say that the anus is the most disowned area of most people’s bodies. To say that the anus and anal sex are taboo does not begin to capture how personally directed the fear and disgust of the anus is. Even the word anus makes people cringe!

My mother was wrong about anal sex. The anus is a pleasure center for both men and women that reacts naturally with arousal. Even Kinsey was aware of this erotic potential during his studies this in the 50′s. Yet, to many the feelings we associate with the anus is a polarity of feeling nothing or feeling pain.

But according to Dr. Jack Morin in his book Anal Pleasure and Health, the anus should feel “pleasantly alive “. Yeah, mine not so much. Deeper into the book, Morin explains that the anus is a tension center for many people. To check yours relax, take some deep breaths and try to focus on your anus.

No really, I recommend this exercise. Close your eyes and do a meditative anal “check-in”. Maybe do a few kegels with your anus to get started. Do you feel it? Maybe it feels relaxed, maybe it is numb or maybe, like mine, it feels somewhat tense– uncomfortable to focus on.

Morin gives a few reasons for this, he suggests that toilet-training teaches us un-naturally to tense our anus when anxious or scared, as the natural response would be to release bowels (think ancient man running away from some large animal, needing to be lighter.)

Or as children watching our parents body language we may learn that this is an area to tense up, a spot to hold our anxiety. Morin then makes the connection that the anus becomes associated with anxiety and fear and can become a center of chronic tension holding worries from the day, yesterday and so on.

Unlike my mother, I will admit that I’ve had anal sex. The first time it was a decision made out of the self-assertion that I was open-minded and adventurous in bed. I remember the anal sex as feeling incredibly intense, as he entered me, the words: most painful sex I’ve ever had, ran through my mind while I gripped a pillow. But anal sex never has to be painful. Anal sex not only doesn’t have to hurt; it should never hurt. Yet we aren’t taught how to do it; we aren’t taught how to feel relaxed in this area, how to enjoy it.

But when it comes to enjoying anal pleasure, guys have it harder. For men, the topic of anal pleasure is often rife with (irrational) fears about homosexuality. I think that these days most people are sensitive about being outwardly homophobic. While there is this “it’s okay for others” mentality there seems to be a personally directed homophobia, a silent paranoia about one’s own sexuality.

Fears about cleanliness are also common. From the time we are young we are taught that this area is “dirty” and this deep seated paranoia continues into the bedroom. But as Morin says “when issues of cleanliness are charged with emotions, it is clear that irrational fears are at play.”

Getting positive  and confronting those fears doesn’t mean jumping into anal-play. For me, just focusing on being present to the tension I hold, and how it changes in different situations. It is time for the anus to come out of the closet.