If you met me a few years ago and were somehow able to magically read my thoughts you would have heard “don’t eat…don’t eat….don’t eat” over and over like a blinking LED sign.
There is a part of me that is very empathetic to myself at this time and to anyone who has an eating disorder. Anorexia comes with depression, the inability to think clearly and crazy-making irrational thought patterns. It is not fun or pretty.
However when I see someone who is anorexic what I feel is rage. During a lunch hour, I took myself out to eat. As I sat with a sandwich and my journal, I was bothered by the bone thin girl picking at her soup the next table over. She had platinum-blonde curly hair, drawn on eyebrows and a dramatic outfit. She reminded me, somewhat, of myself a few years back. But rather than empathizing with her, I couldn’t help feeling the rage. “Why are you giving in?!” I thought looking at her, “Why are you doing this to yourself?!” Yet on the other hand I did understand why…and that just made me all the more angry and sad.
Seeing someone who is clearly anorexic is going to trigger me. Anorexia is a disease that effects not only yourself but to an extent those around you. As self attack came up, I tried to project it onto her. I felt initial unjust rage at anorexia, but also helpless. I could not change or control the disease or this girl’s situation.
A few studies have been published in recent years about how people react to anorexics. A study by Mond, Robertson-Smith and Vetere examined negative attitudes toward those with anorexia. Many participants thought at some point during the study that it “might not be too bad” to be anorexic. Overall, negative attitudes among women and ambivalence about the severity of anorexia were shown to be significant.
I’m left just wanting to scream. I am extremely angry about all of the ads and fashion spreads featuring underweight women. Anorexia is not glamorous. When I was anorexic my thighs and arms were covered in pimples, my limbs constantly fell asleep and if I drank too much I would see black spots or pee myself.
I know the answer is to not blame the anorexic. Still, when I see photos of skinny starlets or spot too-thin Moms in public I can’t help thinking about the people they may be triggering. I can’t help thinking there is a responsibility that comes with anorexia. And I also can’t help knowing that these women can’t help it and are not to blame.
10 Comments
bravo rabbit! thank u so much for your honesty and relevance! Riot! <3
Thanks so much for your support <3 this one felt really vulnerable and hard.
I used to think I was a “terrible anorexic.” I could never train myself properly. I would get very angry because I couldn’t maintain not eating for more than two weeks at a time. I always broke down and then started it again. I didn’t know about chaotic eating or binging/purging at the time, all I knew was that anorexia was what was being talked about in the magazines I read. I bypassed all the warning signs and went right to connecting the dots: model + anorexia = beauty
I still feel that way sometimes. Even when I was at a sick weight I never looked like those models. I’m just not built that way and even today I get shit for it. I started taking water pills in 4th grade because I was told it would make me thinner. Ended up fucking up my kidneys. My mom was a beautiful woman, she always reminded me of it. I just looked “pregnant.” [Her words, not mine.]
I don’t know. Thanks for sharing this.
J.
Julie,
The bit about your Mother made me very angry and sad. Thank you for being strong!
Thanks for sharing. I understand what you mean about being aware of the anorexia but still not thinking you’re doing it well enough
Rachel! Its your favorite ex-suitemate/recovering anorexic!!! I’ve been reading your blog for a while, but of course this one really hit me. I had to leave Columbia because of my anorexia, and it got even worse the next year. Every day is still a struggle between “good and evil” for me, but I agree with your torn feelings of rage and desperation about the disease.
the saddest and most enraging thing i have ever seen was a documentary on pre teen anorexics. they interviewed the parents, and it was very, very clear that they had a significant role in what was happening to their children.
one of them said, “one day my 8 year old came into my bedroom while i was reading and said “I’ve just run 100 laps, and I can’t run any more”. it totally broke my heart”
Well, what on earth was she doing in her bedroom reading while her child did this to herself?
i don’t believe anorexia is a biological disease or a disease triggered solely by young girls emulating skinny models. it is a cry for help from unloved and neglected children.
.-= Jessen´s last blog ..For Laura =-.
As a male, I haven’t had experience with anorexia. I know about it, and how difficult a disease it is to conquer, but I honestly try to avoid stories about it. They simply break me heart. Seeing suffering and not being able to help in some way cuts me to the bone. It’s very frustrating. The worst part, however, is the way in which some mothers drive their daughters right into the waiting arms of anorexia. How utterly horrifying that a young woman’s most potentially powerful role model sabotages her life. As if there weren’t enough bad things out there waiting to trip our future generations up.
I hope each one of you reading this that is, has, or will fight against this insidious disease finds the strength inside and the support outside to conquer it and leave it only an unpleasant memory in your past.
This is a well-written, and informative post. Thank you for sharing it with the blogosphere!
.-= Stacie´s last blog ..MJ =-.
I never understood why I hated the girls with eating disorders . In my boarding school dorm of 25 two girls were hospitalised and many girls were obsessed with diets/excersise .
But i was utterly repulsed by the whole thing.
When i was accused of being bulimic ( i never managed to grow curves) I was so angry, so irrationally enraged I actually lost control. Wild that someone would accuse me of such a disgusting thing. I never saw that the girl was just reflecting her own trouble.
I was completely devoid of sympathy let alone understanding. and i wasn’t the only one. something which pains me now.
If only she could have talked to me (or anyone) about her own insecurities- guilt.
we might not have had nearly such a horrible time.
Her issues came in part through ongoing insecurities with her body and also incredible guilt/self loathing that she was on the verge of the disease that had seen her friend hospitalised and taken out of school.
I don’t know why there were so many haters. Girls who probably had body concerns themselves. The girls who suffered at my school were’n't weak or dumb they were incredibly sweet and intelligent. Something had gone wrong somewhere but instead of understanding they got alienation, horrible questions and criticism.
Thank you for your honesty! The more of us that do this…the more power we give people still suffering and giving in, to turn kindness towrds themselves. When your body is starving, your life is also starving. You feel like you’re getting away with something, but actually life just gets smaller and smaller. You are a beautiful woman. The world needs every single beautiful, natural strong woman.
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[...] Forest wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptBut rather than empathizing with her, I couldn’t help feeling the rage. “Why are you giving in?!” I thought looking at her, “Why are you doing this to yourself?!” Yet on the other hand I did understand why…and that just made me all the more angry and sad. I think a few things were going on for me … When I was anorexic my thighs and arms were covered purple-pink pimples, my limbs constantly fell asleep and if I drank a bit too much I would see black spots or pee myself. … [...]
[...] already taboo topic can become rife with anxiety and confusion. On this blog I have talked about my history with disordered eating, but because I love food, cooking and eating regular meals without dieting, binging, starving or [...]