What comes to mind when you hear the words sex positive? Looking at your vagina in a mirror? A generic sex teacher putting condoms on bananas? I’ve read a few definitions online and they all seem to define it as “sex is good”; or “people who are working towards a better relationship with sex.” However, with sex positivity there seems to be this notion of “all consensual sex is good” and that sleeping with a lot of people and being proud of that makes you sex positive.
But too often, still, this does not include any room for men. This just flips and reinforces double standards, if a chick has a lot of sex she is a slut and that’s cool and positive, but if a guy does than he is a slut and that’s sleazy and gross.
I think that sex positivity is actually something very hard to reach, something that should be striven for but isn’t easy.
To me, being sex positive is honestly examining your sexual history and your preferences. What made you who you are sexually today? What do you like and why do you like it? This definition also includes not engaging in things that we like if they are destructive or physically/ psychologically unhealthy.
I think sometimes people call things sex-positive for the express purpose of avoiding examining whether or not they are actually positive.
I know for me as a kid, sex was a dreaded subject, one that carried guilt and anxiety. Because sex was communicated to me as forbidden, tabboo and “bad”, it became a destructive behavior like drinking and doing drugs.
None of this is easy stuff. In the oppressive, religious society we live in just about everyone was raised with weird sex beliefs, taboos, and hang-ups. This means for just about everyone it is going to take self work and looking into childhood to be truly sex positive. This is never fun, even for people who love to gab about sex it is uncomfortable digging into dark sexual events of the past.
One great way to work through your sexual past is to create a map of all of the sexual events that have happened in your life, especially including those in pre-puberty. From here the view of how you became who you are sexually may seem clearer.
Once you have a mental or written map of your sexual past, the next important thing is to define what you are comfortable with sexually. What would never want to do, or do again? Or even, what might you want to do again but shouldn’t because you know it is destructive or unhealthy for you?
Sex should enrich your life. This is where sex becomes an expression of yourself, that inner most energy that defines you. The sex can be fun, dirty, loving and tender, comfortable and exciting.
8 Comments
This is a thoughtful post. You framed the discussion in personal terms and looked out into the greater population by offering the same questions you asked of yourself, for the reader to answer. Nicely done.
I had a hunch that I would enjoy your posts and now, I am 100% convinced.
-sgb
Found this post through sexgenderbody’s tweet and it is excellent writing. I’ll pass it on. Most important question you ask is, “Where is my self esteem afterward?” Good lord, if we could, all of us, make sex about feeling good not only during sex but all the time….
Those people who feel shame or pain about themselves sexually have had that imposed upon them. I pray for their healing. You’ve really helped to show the way with this post. Thanks for this.
Very nice post – Blue Gal sent me.
I was listening to RawDawgBuffalow radio last night — it was the oral sex episode, and it was really interesting how it broke mostly along gender lines: the male hosts would talk about what they liked, technique, details; both even offered to reveal their vital stats (which is virtually taboo amongst men). The female host would not discuss any of it at all. The women in the chat room, however, were very sex positive. It was a great experience.
I think that there still is a mother-whore dichotomy in play. It amazes me.
Regards,
Tengrain
Your post is a reason for thoughtful people to be optimistic about the future.
Some of us discover the truth about sex later in life.
Your post may help many to learn the truth much earlier.
Thanks Blue Gal.
Thanks so much for your comments and compliments! I really appreciate the feedback. I am so glad others got something out of this as well. I have so many ideas when it comes to this topic, so maybe this is one that I’ll have to revisit. xoxo
Found this through Blue Gal’s tweet. Interesting thoughts on the subject… Please do revisit it.
Great post I especially appreciate your suggestion that we map our sexual histories; that we examine them and vet that past against who we are now, what we value, enjoy; and in the process identify sexual boundaries and desires. Would love to read more, perhaps a sexual workbook is in order.
My wife and I consider ourselves to be “sex positive”, but my current defination of that seems to be “sex is not inherently a bad thing.” I tend to follow it with “and when done for the right reasons with the right person or people, it can be a lot of fun.” I’m not sure that there needs to be much more than that.
I don’t think that being sex positive means that you _should_ be having a lot of sex; it’s not a justification for making bad descisions. Of course, there’s no reason not to be having a lot of sex, but being pro sex (and trying to prove it) shouldn’t be the motivation.