About a year ago I wrote a post called post called Being in a Relationship with Yourself. Blog wisdom and Rupaul have taught us “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love anybody else?” It can’t hurt, but I don’t think self love is some stop we arrive at then get to be in a relationship. It’s a life-long journey.

I’ve been with Ned for 3 1/2 years. There is a lot that comes natural here, talking with him always makes my mind feel lit up and alive, he still smells good, looks cute and by now our inside jokes are elaborate. But we’ve worked hard on our relationship–which is the only way that a relationship can work. Sadly, there aren’t many successful models around to emulate. But these are the maxims I turn back to again and again.

Remembering Who you are in the Relationship.

• If you partner isn’t being fun, go be fun on your own. Don’t wait around on them
• It’s not love yourself before you love anyone else because self-love isn’t a single step, it is a life long journey. Instead it is: Your partner is not going to save you.  Entering a relationship thinking that this person is going to ease the pain deep down is setting you up for disappointment. It may work temporarily, but that pain will be back–it is yours to deal with and only you can fix you.
• In relationships what often happens is that if one person’s belief system is mismatching, someone has to bend,  to conform with the other.  This is a natural want–it helps keep the peace. But bending your beliefs can lead to contempt. Understanding that there are different ways of seeing the world–whether in belief systems or in any argument–is a key to healthy relationships– to not fusing.
• Too often being in a couple becomes being stagnant. You can’t wait on “growing together”. Growing individually doesn’t have to mean growing apart, even though it might feel like a giant rip in the relationship.

Fights Happen

• When you are in a fight with your partner, they are no longer your partner—they are your “worst case scenario partner”. The one who never says he is sorry, or is just so boring–predictable. When you are angry and listing horrible traits–it’s hard to remember this is someone you truly love. But going back to “worst case scenario” helps.

• Next time you get into an altercation–think about the situation from your partner’s side.Ned and I are relationship nerds… we signed up as participants for a study about marriage. In this study, I get e-mails every few months reinforcing this mantra. No really, try to think about it from your partner’s side. I didn’t *get* it until the 5th time. Now when we fight, I remind myself to think about it from his view, and it does wonders. Should I e-mail this to you every few months?
• John Gottman and his wife became famous for being able to predict divorce with 94% accuracy.  The secret? Contempt. Showing contempt was the biggest sign of relationship killer. This doesn’t mean that if you feel contemptuous you will divorce. But contempt should be a red-flag, a time to sit down and talk with your partner (and therapist?) to talk about how feelings have bubbled over into contempt.
• Dance of Anger is about how we each have steps in our negative interactions. Changing those steps will make your partner anxious, but is best for the long run. It is about noticing when you are contemptuous, critical, defensive or  stone-walled–aiming for not reacting from those places. Temporary distance during a fight is a good thing.

Sex and Romance

• Passion fades, this is only biological. But, sex without slamming each other into walls can still be hot. Sex can be lazy. It can be slow, it can have breaks in the middle. It can be an experiment. It can end whenever, with or without orgasm. “Intercourse” really isn’t the main attraction for a lot of women, so maybe we shouldn’t treat it as such. Leaving the 30 minute sessions of pounding to early dating can be a good thing.
• Be active together. Nothing gets the libido pumping like heart rates rising together:  bike-rides, going out dancing,  hiking, yoga sessions.
• Having other sex partners can keep you attracted to each other.  Men’s sperm count dwindles in monogamy, but if he even thinks his partner has been with someone else, it ups. If you aren’t willing to do a three-way or dip into non-monogamy, you can trick your brain. There’s the bar game where one watches their partner get hit on. Or the sexy stranger game where you pretend you just met and leave together for a “one night stand”–I’ve written about other creative things I’ve tried.
• Often our partners become the person we come to for support at the end of a long day. But watch out for triangulation–whoever you are frustrated with is who you should talk to about it. Try not talking with your  partner about other people, but your ideas, things you read or that excite you.
• It is important to have dinner dates too. Active dates get our hormones pumping but staring at each other over candlelight releases chemicals too. The infamous study which asked to strangers to stare into each other’s eyes for minutes comes to mind–one of the pairs ended up marrying.

Being with Someone while being with Yourself

• Even with your partner, boundaries are important. You don’t need to tell them everything. In fact doing so is not healthy– and often about your anxiety only. An honest relationship is not one where everything is on the table. An honest relationship is one where we are truthful about our emotions in the moment while staying true to boundaries–what is appropriate or mutually helpful to talk about.
• Women are raised to be care-takers–ultra-sensitive of other’s feeling and soaking up other’s anxiety, anger or sadness like a sponge. If someone is emotionally dumping on me, it helps to internally remind myself: I am not who you are. I am who I am.
• Your partner is not  your therapist and vice versa. It’s not appropriate or healthy to go to them with every emotional issue.
• We each have “parts” that we react from and a “self”. Don’t analyze and call your partner out for being in a “part”–if you see  they are in a “part” that means you are in “self” enough to notice–so act from self and bring compassion and curiosity to your partner. See how fast it snaps them back.
• I think one of the biggest relationship struggles is to simply be with another person. To be in self with another person when things feel hectic. I stone-wall—pull away emotionally… Or enmesh–ego identify with partner and lose emotional boundaries. Staying in self is the challenge of life– but naming and acknowledging  those other parts is how you get there.
• When your partner is mad at you, it can feel like the worst thing in the world.  One thing that you can come back to is: no matter what happened, you love and accept yourself.

I also asked my twitter friends for their relationship advice and got some sage answers:

• “Perusing your goals makes you both stronger and better.” — @rosamund
• “Course, honest, open communication at ALL times. I tell my partner my crushes and fantasies w/other people, & so does he to me.” –@rvxn
• “That alone time is important. It reinforces individuality, which is key to preventing losing yourself.” — @Ellie_Di
• “Learned: To separate the roommate stuff from the relationship stuff. That communication, even if it’s “I’m mad at you” is key.” –@Freyanator
• “if something is wrong talk about it in the nicest possible way sooner rather than later! No holding on to resentment.” — @_VitaminK

What would you add to the list?

photos by Julie Lansom 4th photo in series by Nicole Lesser