I think I was nine the first time. A wise age. An age that held an intuitive knowledge about the world. So, when my Mom said she wanted to “go on a walk after dinner” to “have a talk” my face knew to turn pink.
We winded by rows of houses and she told me about periods and puberty. I nodded, trying to act natural…and not like it was the most awkward moment we’d ever shared.
The year of fifth grade I began to lose sleep. The explicit S-E-X talk was next. I knew that as the weather turned from ice to rain, the days were closing in. Spring meant Sex-Ed and I also intuitively knew, as I hid the release forms and prayed to be sick, this talk too would prove awkward.
My take on “the talk” is that you don’t need to have it. In a truly sex-positive, open/honest household there would be no reason to schedule the birds & the bees. Conversations around sex wouldn’t be taboo, and happen naturally as need-be.
But if I had to go on the blush colored, after dinner walk with my pre teen self, this is what I’d hope to get across.
Sex is fun, but should be taken seriously.
Sex and love are not the same thing, but sex can still be pretty heavy. It is a big deal in that it can be emotional, “spiritual” and personal. Sometimes during sex, we find memories re-surfacing or intense emotions uncovered or just truths about ourselves. Sex in no way needs to be with someone you love, but because of this vulnerability doing it with a stranger can be intense. Anytime you are going after sex, it’s good to ask: Right now, do I want this sex for myself physically, emotionally and intellectually–can I handle it? Do this other person’s physical, emotional and intellectual wants also seem in alignment?
What is Sex? It’s a Spectrum.
Y’know how a lot of people just don’t “get it”? How in the world there is just a lack of creativity? That’s true in sex too. It seems, most people have a really limited view of what sex is. They try to make it this one man-woman act– when it can be so many different things. Sex is any physical, erotic intimacy-- with others or with yourself. Really, it’s up for you to define. Sex is this very creative thing, and once you get that, you get that there are so many ways to make it work.
Consent
Sometimes people have sex when they don’t want to. Maybe they are afraid to say no, or say yes to make their partner happy. But, this usually doesn’t feel good. So, it is important to evaluate what you want in the moment and communicate this. Because sex is so many different things, you can use your personal sexual arsenal. So maybe, in the moment it’s communicating that you don’t want to do X but you would enjoy doing Z or YZ even.
Virginity
When I was a teenager, virginity or lack there of was a big deal. Deciding that you are ready to be sexually active is a really big deal. But virginity is kind of crap. There are all of these rules about what counts and doesn’t. It’s about elevating this invisible piece of skin to some god-like sexist status. Sex for the first time is a big deal and it’s good to wait until you feel ready. But the idea of “saving yourself” in this one hetero act is problematic. When you’ve had sex, whatever sex means to you, you are sexually active and therefore not a “virgin”. Virginity is not a medical term– it’s a social one.
STD’s and pregnancy, they’re not the end of the world.
STD’s and unwanted pregnancy can be heart-wrenching. They can feel life-shattering. But life will go on. Knowing about these
“consequences” is important, but they aren’t the end of the world. When I was in school and we learned about STD’s it was with scare tactics and a moralizing tone. But most STD’s are curable with meds–and aren’t a big deal. Unwanted pregnancies, while emotionally and psychologically rife, can be handled by termination or the “abortion pill”. This tone around STD’s and unwanted pregnancy is from outdated social taboos. But we have the technology to help.
Teenagers are sexual beings. And sex is okay.
When you hit puberty your body takes on a massive hit on hormones, like 10,000 times the amount it had before. Teenagers are sexual beings, and most will probably explore sex. It’s okay for teenagers to explore sex or not to. It’s just important to know when you are ready and how to be safe.
3 Comments
I think that my voracious reading did a much better job at giving me “the talk” than my mother did– while she was very helpful with advice about how my period might go, pads vs. condoms, cramps and all, her advice on sex was limited to: “Don’t have sex before marriage. Oral sex counts too. Your virginity is the greatest gift you can give your husband.” It made me feel a little like a hymen on legs until I realized that a) if I’d ever had one, I didn’t even remember it breaking (thanks active childhood!) and b) I didn’t agree with her. While the books were great, I really do wish somebody had told me at 11 that it’s perfectly acceptable to say “no” when you’re uncomfortable with a boy shoving his hand down your pants.
Good article, as ever. But it actually does matter, now and later, to the teens and their parents, how many sexual partners the kids have, and how old they are when they have them.
To see why–and how parents can and must be willing to Talk Early & Often to their progeny about sexuality– here’s a link:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sex-kids-have-questionsyouve-got-answers.html
I had to give myself ‘The Talk’.
Yes, I had Sex Ed, but I never really paid attention. I’m a virgin and haven’t been in any relationships so none of it has been worth knowing. It wasn’t until a few months ago (I’m 19) that I suddenly decided to teach myself the basics and a few philosophies on intimacy.
Do I feel enlightened? Not really. It wasn’t a ‘EUREKA’ kind of thing. I guess all I wanted was to be on the same wavelength of knowledge as my peers were, as odd as it sounds.
One Trackback
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by rabbitwhite, rabbitwhite. rabbitwhite said: BIRDS & THE BEES: What if I had to give my teenage self "the talk"? http://rabbitwrite.com/birds-bees-what-if-i-had-to-give-myself-the-talk/ [...]