This past Sunday, I was a guest on the fabulous Kink on Tap podcast.  One of the things we talked about is how sex–and adjacently STI’s–are on the rise for  senior citizens.

I spilled to the audience something I have been working on: a journalism piece about elderly BDSM. This one is coming soon, but in the meantime I want to share some excerpts.

These are some behind the scenes tidbits from an interview with sexologist and co-founder for the Center of Sex and Culture  Carol Queen, whom I talked with about senior citizens, BDSM and sex in general.

How common is it that older people are finding new ways to have sex?

“If we can extrapolate from recent survey research suggesting that STI rates among elders is increasing, I’d say it’s quite common indeed. Widow/ers and divorce(e)s are out of long-term relationships that may have grown sexually stagnant or at least had a set of sexual practices that became the core way of having sex. With a new partner, or on the dating scene, a person can reinvent her- or himself sexually, to some degree, and pursue long-held or new interests, or respond to the preferences of the new person. This can really reinvigorate people, physically and emotionally. As the above-noted stats show, however, it’s obvious that being “back in the game” brings risks that these folks may not have had to address earlier in their lives. Many seniors haven’t learned enough about safer sex and sexually transmitted conditions.”

How has the Internet changed sex for older people, especially?

“I think it’s somewhat easier for younger people, in general, to go out and look for partners. The Internet levels the playing field quite a bit and allows older people to specifically seek partners (long- or short-term) if they wish, making it easier to find new romance — or, for that matter, a tryst with a sex worker. It also brings the sexual world to one’s door for a generation of people who may not have had as much access to explicit materials earlier in their lives, so I think for some, it sparks or gives permission for new erotic interests.”

What is sex drive really like in people aged 65+? Does it dwindle to a stop, as we’ve been taught?

This is a really individual thing, but in general: not necessarily. It may be  more likely in women, who often (though by no means always) contextualize their erotic lives in relationship to another person.But really the thing that tends to affect sex drive as we age is health — libido is very often the canary in the mineshaft of declining health, and should always be taken seriously when it changes. Enough older people still have plenty of desire and sexual functioning and pleasure that it should never be assumed that an older person is just too old to want it any more — especially if the drop is unexplained and sudden.

Why are there cultural taboos against old people having sex? It seems these really aren’t challenged.

“They certainly aren’t challenged very openly by the larger culture. I see two things operating here. There had been an underlying bias in our culture –not completely gone yet– that sex really is, at bottom, for reproduction. (That’s one of the things that continues to power homophobia too.) After one is out of one’s reproductive years, the notion of sex becomes unseemly and even unacceptable to many. The other thing, I think, is that there is societal pressure on us to fear aging, and seeing evidence of older people’s sexuality brings up our difficult feelings about getting older ourselves, our own body image fears, fears of mortality, etc. All this may be true even if the older person is nowhere near decline and death! Plus plain old-fashioned ageism is at work too — the kind that makes the lives of elders problematic in many more ways than around sex.”

Do you know any older people into BDSM?

“I have a women friend in her 80s who still puts on her corset and goes to BDSM parties! She’s a wonderful role model for anybody who thinks erotic play and fun is reserved for the young. I’ve also heard from more than one woman that as menopause changes their sexual response and how it feels to have intercourse, that non-vaginal forms of pleasure gain new prominence. One of my post-menopausal friends discovered she really loved anal sex even after she was no longer particularly into vaginal “vanilla.” And many dominatrices have seen older clients, particularly older men. The focus in BDSM is so often on energy, emotion, and skill level that many more kinds of people are seen as attractive and valuable players. The knowledge and experience of many years of play can be really specialized and rarefied — and is valued. What sexuality can be, in this community, is often a very expanded thing.”