When people enter into a monogamous relationship, it is often with the idea that they have found “the one.” They are  expected to no longer experience sexual infatuation with other people, just that one true-love.

Yet, in the large number of healthy adults, sexual response to attractive men or women is normal.  You  might be in a serious relationship and REALLY love your boyfriend, but it is okay to feel attracted to other people if you are monogamous, it is normal to fantasize or even feel a crush.

Seeing the Sexual Big Picture

Imagine that you are at an office party for your significant other. Suddenly a sexy person wanders into your view. You  do that coy look away, glance back thing. Part of you is off in fantasy land, already in bed with this person. Other parts might be confused, already feeling guilty or bad. Then maybe you go into that fantasy, where your mate suddenly dies of a car crash, and you need their arms to mend yourself in?

Okay, never mind all that. Instead of building this web, what if you were simply able to realize, “ah yes I am just feeling a sexual response”  Which is normal. Or even “I am feeling an infatuation with this person, I wonder why?”

Strangers in Shining Armor

Since the time we are children we are inundated with a rescue/romance fantasy. The idea pushed on us is that we will only be happy when we find our “other half”– that person holds the secret formula to make everything better for us. This is an illusion. NOT TRUE.

But this Disneyfication is ingrained in us, when the ideal we were promised is not met by our partners, is it any shock that we project this old fixation onto attractive strangers?

But this stranger can’t save you either…

Getting Curious: What does this Person have?

What exactly is it about this sexy new person? Do they remind you of someone?  What would a sexual fantasy with this person look like?

Once you’ve got a grasp on the chord this individual strikes with you, ask yourself: are these things that are missing in your partnership?

From here you could build a plan on how to bring these missing ingredients into your bedroom or relationship. How can your partner fulfill these needs? How can someone else? Bring these ideas up honestly and gently.

It is also okay to bottle up all of that desire for yourself. I think that using what you’ve uncovered as masturbation fodder can a great way to act on those sexual urges.

Honesty with Our Partners

Another reason why these infatuations might get so blown out of proportion is that we feel we must hide them from our partners, feeling guilty about it.

One healthy way to deal with the issue upfront is to not hide it at all, but gently talk about the crush with your partner. It could be as simple as “I find X attractive and I feel uncomfortable/guilty/excited about that.” I tried this, and when my partner was okay with it, I thought “Really? Are people ruining their relationships over nothing!”

Goals

While honesty is always fantastic, I don’t think the goal is to tell your partner every time a juicy somebody turns your head.

The goal is for each person in the partnership to understand sexual responses are normal, to be curious about crushes and explore them and to know really and truly that they’ve got the other’s love.

Not because that person has made them whole but because they are whole on their own and therefore worth love, trust and honesty.