Hello,
How are you? Is it springy and warm there? This is a note to you, like the ones passed in highschool “4 your eyes only”. I am just writing to tell you some things I’ve been upto:
CNN is doing a story on my work/Lady Porn Day! They flew in and shot in my apartment. These photos are from the segment where Alle and I watched porn with the reporter and talked about what we liked/didn’t like while eating red licorice.
Then I went with CNN to my hometown. They interviewed my parents and shot me around town. I am originally from a small town in the bible belt (one would think, not exactly lady porn friendly) but we found a porn store there with a lady-tinged “romance section”!
My goal for the trip was to just stay vulnerable, sensitive. Vulnerability can be painful–it’s awkward, uncomfortable to sit in. But vulnerabillity is where growth happens. And though it might make me feel like an awkward pre-teen, that is beautiful.
In that vein of vulnerability, A piece I recently wrote for The Frisky, “I Broke up with My Parents” feels timely. The family visit and filming this week went great, but this piece shows I had to work to get there. I hope this is a helpful read for any young adult navigating a relationship with their parents.
Frisky ran another piece of mine this week–about the fuck buddy situation. It got me thinking: should relationships should be based on love alone? Because if there is anything I’ve learned from the f-buddy, it’s that we all have the capacity to fall in love with people who are bad for us–”I waited on Andrew. My heart open, able to be grabbed again like a goldfish.”
How do you define love? To me Love means: I accept all of your parts, as they are. I accept you fully. Which takes time. But in my fuck buddy situation, obsession happened. And obsession is the anti-love. Obsession can’t really accept anything, because obsession is blind.
I’m getting back into my routine and my mind is swimming with other things to write about:
- Femme guilt: Exploring guilt for liking “girly things” or a how to on reclaiming the gender roles that were pushed on you.
- More digging into Non-Monogamy–I’ve gotten a lot of questions on this one. Are you non-monogamy curious?
- Exploring your sexuality= exploring your gender. Is this true for you?
- The roots of sex negativity are firmly planted in Christianity…this is what ran through my mind as I was interviewed in my religious hometown.
Now I am curious. What has been running through your mind lately? What is your definition of love and What questions do you have? Talk to me! On comments, on twitter or shoot me an e-mail. Signing off with a heart full of rubies. Love,
19 Comments
Had to write you right away! This is a really great piece. Now I’m going to dive into the other links you provided. I can’t wait to see the CNN coverage and really hope they do justice to the segment and not portray watching porn as a “disturbed” behavior.
Kudos!
The MamaSutra
Thanks Mama! Yes, here is hoping! My plan was to not announce that I was doing the segment, because who knows how it will turn out. But my husband already blogged about it, so I was like, screw it. If they do something that puts porn or lady porn day or me in a negative light, I can handle it.
But, I do trust the producers/reporters and think they are going to do something cool.
And if they do, it might be the first time that I’ve seen a major news outlet do something positive on porn…Right? <3 Thanks for the love.
Rachel,
Kudos on all your success with Lady Porn Day. Know what I like about you? You’re kind, warm, real–there’s no meanness in your youness. That’s a bit too rare in the media, and I love it in you.
Guess what I’m saying is, Love is kindness and respect, not just chemistry and positions. And you’ve got it all.
xox
Duana
Aw thank you, Duana! That might be the best compliment yet
My secret is that I try to write from a place of self and self knowledge, not from out of control parts that are anxious or working to protect me, if that makes sense 
I feel like that is something similar in each of our work. Talking with you feels open, like we could have just found ourselves stranded on a desert island. And I mean that in a good way! Thanks again, dear <3
I am very excited for you and I look forward to seeing it!
Lanae
Wow! I hope the CNN piece goes well – that’s so very exciting for you, congratulations
I can’t wait to see your upcoming stuff too – looking forward especially to the femme debate post, and of course the non-monogamy one. Have a great weekend, Rachel!
Regarding breaking up with your parents… how old are you, exactly? I’m guessing, still in your 20′s. Young people have no idea how much power they have to totally and utterly destroy their parents. We, hopefully, love you unconditionally from before you are born, and yet we can’t parent you perfectly… to a spectacular degree. It’s impossible to “do our best” over an 18 or 20 year period. So, you can break up with us, after years of breast feeding, ballet classes, special tutors, late night smores parties, midnight trips to the doctor, cleaning up biblical barfing sessions, pinworms, fevers, all of it… everything we do to keep you alive, and as much as possible, happy until you reach adulthood. And then… you break up with us, because all of that histrionic effort is really not understood or appreciated by you, because how could it be? You are a child. So, yes, young one, when you accuse me of not “getting you,” that may be true, but it goes both ways. (Ode to my daughter Cedar, who is 21.)
I’d love to read about exploring previously established gender roles. I think that’s something I deal with a lot, being a very strong feminist who still loves very masculine men, having doors opened for her, cooking etc. Sometimes I feel like I’m a feminist struggling inside the head of a 50′s housewife!
Thanks Michelle! <3 3 <3 any ideas in particular with tackling non monogamy? What do you want to see?
Squidia, It sounds like you are going through a lot with this. I certainly empathize with a parent who is having a child break from them in any capacity, but yes Squidia, children can leave at any point. They owe you nothing– the food, the shelter (even the ballet lessons) are what you owed them as someone you brought into the world. But they have no debts to you. I don’t advise anyone to outright break from their parents, but I do think it works in dire circumstances for individuation. If this is what you are going through, you have my best wishes, empathy and condolences. All I can tell you is to be patient and understanding, to empathize with your child and aim to also grow through this time. Your self work and wisdom will go far here. Hang in there. xx
Juliana,
Yep. One thing I have noticed is that the world of femme has been reclaimed in the LGBTQ world, but there is a school of here that asks: “can straight girls own femme?” And from the femme queer blogs I’ve read the answer is: “No!”–and I disagree. Owning “femme-ness” is taking back the role you were given without a choice and figuring out what works for you. RE-CHOOSING it. No matter how you sexually identify. Femme, no matter if you are a straight ally, or a member of the rainbow can be a tough identity. It is one that needs some conscious thought. To me, this is worth exploring.
Love the photos =] What camera do you use?
Thanks Camilla! The CNN photos were taken on a Canon TX with Portra 400 film processed at Costco. Green and red was taken on a Canon A-1 probably with Fuji Pro 400 H also processed at Costco. Feel free to check out more photos or contact me with more questions at edmundxwhite.com
The “red and green” photo is currently my favorite one he has taken of me. It was very spontaneous when we shot it.
Super congratulations on all the awesome stuff you’re doing!
“How do you define love? To me Love means: I accept all of your parts, as they are. I accept you fully. Which takes time. But in my fuck buddy situation, obsession happened. And obsession is the anti-love. Obsession can’t really accept anything, because obsession is blind.”
This passage has helped me realize a lot of very important things about myself, my past relationships and my current relationship. Thank you.
Thank you Ellie, always my cheerleader
I miss you! I feel like we haven’t had a good twitter chat in awhile. We should fix that…
H.L., So good to hear. Be on the look-out this week, I am writing a piece expanding on this idea. The premise is about how you shouldn’t marry for love…coming soon!
First off, Congrats on CNN!
I’m a rabbitwrite frequenter and I love everything you post about.. I’ve learned so many things about myself and who I really am! You put it all into perspective so perfectly!
You mentioned writing about non-monogamy.. a topic that my future husband and I have been talking about recently, and would definitely love to hear your thoughts on it!
So excited about this CNN stuff, and to read your thoughts on “femme guilt” – definitely a big one for me as tough times always seem to bring out a little hair and makeup obsession in me, curiously…
Thanks Doll & MH for the CNN support. I’ve got to admit that last night I started to have a bit of a freak out about it. What if it is terrible? And now that I’ve told everyone, what if it is terrible and everyone sees it? First world problems, I know, but it’s a bit of a triggering thing. Trying to remember the good in putting yourself out there!
& Mh, I’m kinda feelin’ a “guide to femme-ness” like how to do it healthy or something….Thoughts?
I have to say I was stunned by all judgment and “she’s such a spoiled brat” comments people left on your “Broke Up With My Parents” article (which I loved, BTW). I thought “she wanted a break from exhausting people with no boundaries who got drunk and hit her? Umm…what’s not to undersand, here? Also, she DID eventually reconcile with her parents, so..??” Like I heard 1000x in therapy, “you can’t connect with others when you’re too busy having feelings that are all about you.”