Bottom 2: Unknown

• Blowfish podcast on sexual empathy and teaching straight people to”fuck like queers.”
• The Internal Dialogue A post about recognizing and overcoming self-attack
• Why you struggle to connect with others & how to overcome these and start connecting.
• Like me, did you always want to read Madonna’s sex book as a kid? Now you can, fully scanned and online!
• Greta Christina on the ubiquity of shaving pubic hair
• You are already whole: “Drill down, like a miner searching for gold, to the place in you that has existed prior to any learning.  You may be going to your birth, or even earlier.  What do you find?  You will see that who you are before conditioning – that is, the unconditioned you – is whole, free, light, and clear.” This is the True-Self.
• Are we Having Sex Yet? Greta asks “Does X Count as Sex? And Does it matter?
• Do you make these common mistakes when trying to switch to a more positive attitude?
• Five Emotional Vampires and how to combat them! I see some of myself and people I’ve known in here, simplified but efficient tips!

+ The best story I’ve heard in a long time:

“A little boy (maybe 5 years old) wrote to Maurice Sendak [author of ‘Where The Wild Things Are’] telling him how much he loved his books, his drawings, everything about him. As you might imagine, Sendak gets a lot of fan mail, but he was so moved by this one that he wrote the boy back and enclosed an original drawing, just for him. The boy was so overjoyed when he received the drawing that he ate it, the entire thing, every last shred of pulp and ink. His mom wrote back to the author, telling him the story. Sendak was thrilled, saying that that was the greatest compliment he had ever received.” Thanks Gala, from here

I recently had a few visits with a nutritionist (who specializes in eating disorders.) I thought it would be a good idea to just check in, make sure I am actually being healthy. I still have those E.D. voices that trigger me and can make me think otherwise.

I was eager to learn about health and nutrition and offered to keep a food diary the week before my visit. Sure, it sounded simple, but on the first day I was very aware of what I was eating and what it would look like in writing.  I forced myself to make it on a light breakfast and lunch without giving into eating whatever was lying around before dinner.

The next week in my session, I began by reading my list, and by the time I had reached the final day, my hands were shaking and my voice was trembling. Telling this person what I had eaten, open to judgment and criticism felt so incredibly vulnerable; I was on the verge of panic attack.

Healthy eating is a very confusing topic.  There are so many conflicting fad diets every year. I sometimes think that most people have no idea of what healthy eating really is.

During the session, we decided to plan out what healthy eating is for me. My nutritionist used my BMI and activity level as a starting point to show me how much I should be eating in a day.I started to get nervous, the last thing I wanted to do was count calories. But as she showed me my chart, I saw no numbers. It was broken into how many servings I should be eating a day from each food group, and it was pretty liberal. She explained that it is really just about being mindful of what you are eating; it doesn’t always have to be precise, it is just a guide, the goal for each day.

I left bursting with hope, with such happiness that I had to keep tears from falling out. Why did so many people diet and hurt themselves? Why didn’t everyone go to a nutritionist? This was so easy and such a complete change from anything I had experienced about health and food regulation.

Exercise

I was excited for my nutrition visit the following week, but this visit was about exercise…which I didn’t really realize I had such a problem with. Exercise for me, can easily set off self-attack. For the past 5+ years I had gone through the same cycle, spurts of rigorous exercise then abruptly stopping for weeks or months.

Exercise is a scary word wound up with self-abuse. We decided that instead of solo exercising, perhaps I should get my exercise from pleasurable social physical activity. She suggested that I think of it as a favor to my body, doing something good for myself that feels good. For me, it’s hard not to self attack and feel guilty while hearing that I have to be exercising when I know I haven’t been…but I tried to stay in self and not let that self-attack voice drag me through the mud.

While I left not quite feeling as confident as before, I was still determined. I stopped into a dance-studio and signed up for a charelston dance class on the spot. My nutritionist also suggested exercise “snacks” throughout the day. For those times when you are bored and go to the kitchen, to instead stop and do 15 minutes of exercise instead, maybe dance or do some yoga poses.

She also left me with an assignment. To choose an affirmation and repeat it for a week. The affirmation that stood out to me was my body is strong, capable and flexible. Making this my mantra for a week actually felt pretty good…and I am beginning to realize it is true.

Nutrition Notes

• Don’t be too harsh or withhold. When you withhold your body will compensate by over-eating, often of the “forbidden” foods.
• Eat Well. Eat foods you are craving, foods that are delicious. Unsatisfying meals will only make you come back for more.
• Don’t make food over-available. This one helps work-at-home people like me: put your food away. I will only mindlessly eat from the box of crackers or loaf of bread that is left out.
• Eat Regularly. Eat when you are hungry. It is hard to stay focused when you are starved.
• Exercise Snacks. When you think you are hungry (but say you just ate a meal 2 hours ago) take an exercise snack. Go on a walk, dance, or stretch. Afterward if you are still hungry, have a snack.
• Become aware of Emotional Eating. Try to be aware of when you are eating emotionally, try to come up with other ways to meet those needs.
• Be mindful. If you had a grilled cheese for lunch maybe go with extra protein and vegetables for dinner. Strive to get the correct amount (in correct serving size) from each food group. Oh by the way, cheese is considered a fat rather than dairy…good to know.
• Pick a spot you’ve been meaning to check out and walk there, or go on urban hikes in the city
• Have a picnic while the weather is nice. Wrap up the dinner you just made, find a destination on google maps and walk there to eat your lovely dinner.
• Plan activity breaks into your day.
• Your body is strong, capable and flexible.

btw, Rabbit Write loves Health at Every Size.

What are your struggles or accomplishments with eating and exercise? Have any tips?

When you are part of a couple, there is one inevitable question that is going to arise: How did you two meet?

I wore this outfit last Saturday night to the Orbit Room’s 2-year-anniversary party, which also happened to be the 2-year-anniversary of when Ned and I first met.

Two years ago I was cock-tailing at this new bar when Ned confidently walked through the door. I was immediately struck by his presence and the fact that he was wearing a pocket protector in the front of his short sleeve button-up. “Oh my gosh, I want that boy” I said to my fellow waitress.

My shift wore on as I exchanged intense looks with this coiffed, lanky stranger and at the end of the night we flirtatiously settled in to have a drink together. I was smitten, I had such an incredible feeling from this guy, I was intrigued and felt excited, alive, like… myself.

He drove me home with no kisses but, exchange numbers. I flopped onto my roommates bed and and wailed, unable to sleep. This was so unlike me. Why did this feel so different? Why was I so obsessed already? I really wanted to know this person… I wanted this person in my life.

What we receive when we ask “How did you two meet”  is that natural-genius first impression the couple got of each other. This is something perhaps best described in the book, Blink by Malcolm Gladwell.

Blink is about the power of rapid cognition and first impressions, how we instantly know so much of what we need to know about a person, when first meeting them. When you ask someone how they met their partner you get to see them re-create a little bit of  that first impression that told them “this is the mate I want.”

Or maybe this is just me using some science and psychology to explain that lofty love at first sight cliche.

So now I’d like to ask you to get gushy, dear reader: How did you meet your significant other? Or if you are single, What are some couple-meeting stories that stick out in your head?

So for those not into traditions based on violence, here is my own personal calender! These are holidays for atheists, anarchists or anyone who likes a good party, without the troublesome history.

Calendar Images from Meomi

January

January 1,  New Years Day:  The beginning of a new year is a great celebration of life. Buy a new journal and make a fresh entry. Make goals, not resolutions. Order out dim-sum for dinner because it is tradition and possibly because you are hung-over.

January 26, Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day: Pop.

January 22, Scientist’s Day (Francis Bacon’s Birthday): Like presidents day, but with less assholes.

February

February 2,  Philosopher’s Day (Ayn Rand’s Birthday): Celebrate philosophy by loving or hating Ayn Rand!

February 14, Valentine’s Day/Love Day: Celebrate love on this day. Eat rich foods, chocolates and get comfy with yourself or someone on the couch.

February 28,  Wedding Anniversary: Always celebrate anniversaries. Relationships are hard work and should be celebrated!

March

March 1, Beer Day: A good alternative to celebrating a murderous Christian Saint on the 17th.

March 20, First Day of Spring/Spring Equinox: This holiday is about renewal, the re-birth after winter. Start new projects and acknowledge self growth. Think about how much you have grown and also make goals for where you’d like to be in the future. Do something earthy or outdoorsy. Eat a picnic of  stuffed deviled eggs, mint chicken salad and chocolate crepes, washed down with sparkling lemonade.

March 22, Inner Child’s Day aka As young as you feel day, International Goof-off day or Spring Fairy Day: An entire day devoted to your inner child. Do whatever the kid inside of you feels like. Ideas: Have a dress up garden tea party, swing on a swing-set, build forts, have a water gun or water balloon fight, decorate your room with glow in the dark stars, wear mouse ears or a cape.

April

April 1, April Fools Day, also Creative Writing and Poetry Day: A day to play jokes/Became annoying online/Count me out of it. Two birds with one stone, a haiku about April Fool’s.

April 12, Licorice Day: Drink Sambuca and Champagne cocktails, Make a beet and fennel salad. Drink absinthe and smoke anise and rose flavored hookah. I could go on forever.

May

May 3, Architecture day: Holidays are usually pretty nature-y, but today admire the phenomenal landscapes created by fellow humans.

May 9, Peter Pan Day also  Stay up all Night day: A day to celebrate with your inner child. Build a fort, watch or read Peter Pan and eat nutella banana pancakes for dinner. This could easily turn into celebrating Stay up all Night day. For which I suggest watching movies, painting or making collages,  listening to old records and cooking breakfast at sunrise while listening to Beethoven on full blast.

May 25, Memorial Day  becomes Empathy and Justice Day: This is often a day off from work and a fantastic long weekend. Do something anti-gov during this weekend, remember the democides

May 29, Pink Flamingo Day: I’m taking this as John Waters day. Listen to old soul music, dress up as retro trailer trash or in rockabilly styles and go out to a greasy spoon diner or a soda fountain, remember to act vulgar. Then watch as many of John’s films as you can stomach.

June

June 21,  Summer Solstice: Summer party! Celebrate with bonfires,  s’more making (over the stove if you’re a city dweller) and all night dance partying. If there was ever an event to bring a vodka infused watermelon to, this is it.

June 24, Celebration of the Senses: Omg the possibilities: Perfume, fresh flowers, aromatic curries or soups. Actually, this reminds me of a game my college roommate and I would play when we were stoned. One would blindfold the other and then find items around the room to make the blind folded one sniff and guess the smell. Laundry softener, peanut butter, Skol vodka. So you could always do that…or not.

June 28, Gay Pride Day: Celebrate sexuality! Have friends over for sangria, play Spin the Bottle and watch Priscilla.

July

July 4, Independence Day/ Freedom Day: Often a day off from work and a hot long weekend. Celebrate your own personal freedom and independence. Contemplate what your freedom means to you. Traditions like watching fireworks and eating barbecue and ice cream are all dandy in my book.

July 13, Geek day: Embrace your inner nerd. Set up a nerd day with a few friends, get together with laptops or whatever you need and work on projects together. For this  I would serve tang and popcorn balls.

July 18, National Hot Dog Day: Whether it’s veggie or foie gras, I take them Chicago style, mustard no ketchup!

August

August 8, National Garage Sale Day: Wake up at the crack of dawn with the little old ladies and hit up the yard sales. Haggle.

August 10, S’mores day/ Slumber Party Day: When I was six years old s’mores were my favorite food. I could devour five in one setting. They were also a common slumber party food, so I say also make this a slumberparty day. Invite friends over, watch movies that remind you of childhood, eat s’mores and play truth or dare. Bonus points for prank calling.

Auust 18, Bad Poetry Day: Read your old notebooks…aloud…with a friend. I think a bottle of wine is in order.

September

September 7, Labor Day becomes  Courage and Integrity Day: Often a day off from work and a great long weekend. Use it to celebrate your own courage and integrity. Try meditating or taking a relaxing walk in the woods. Take some alone time to connect to the strong center inside of you.

September 22,  Autumn Equinox: Celebrate my favorite season by long walks, enjoying the weather, self reflection and maybe peanut butter cookies.

September 27, Psychologist’s Day (Albert Ellis’ Birthday): The founder of CBT is okay by me. Go to the library and get a book on psychology, look into new therapeutic practices or types of therapy that might help you in your journey towards become the best you that you can be.

October

October 1, World Vegetarian Day: Consider the animals around us, and the animals we eat. Create a vegetarian feast. Baba ghanoush, rice and lentils, potato stuffed flatbread, sauteed eggplant, crisp cooked asparagus and custard for dessert. Yum.

October 6, Mad Hatter Day: According to this website: “The nonsense we usually have to pretend is sane can be called madness for one day in the year; the superficially crazy things that really make sense can be called sane on MadHatterDay.” I’m not sure what all that means but, sure celebrate the nonsensical!

October 31, Halloween: Perhaps the most important holiday of the year Celebrate death and enjoy life with mischief and debauchery.

November

November 4, is apparently National Chicken Lady Day… Personally I’d prefer a national Buddy Coleday.

November 26, Thanksgiving: Have a feast and give thanks for relationships and bounty of the year. Hold a potluck Thanksgiving with friends or fam. Plan enough for two days of giving thanks!

December

December 5, Bathtub Party Day: The bathtub is my sanctuary, I don’t need to be told twice to celebrate baths! Take this day to enjoy a nice long bath with candles, music, a book and some tea or wine. Buy yourself a new bath product.

December 11, Rabbit’s Birthday:  Always celebrate your life on your birthday! I like to take the day to reflect on the year, read old journal entries and take extra care of myself.

December 21, Winter Solstice: Because of work schedules this is often celebrated on the 25th.

December 24, Eve of Winter Solstice Celebration: A pre-party!

December 25, Celebrate Winter Solstice: BIG party! Celebrate peace and the future. Traditionally this is a light festival, so celebrate “light” as a metaphor, whatever it means to you.

December 31, New Year’s Eve: Out with the old and in with the new. Reflect on the past year, what has changed? How have you changed? Write a final journal entry for this year. Then put together a glammy outfit, listening to all the songs you loved this year and pop champagne.

Photo: Raquel Reed http://ihateraquelreed.com

The  internet is changing us. In my day-to-day interactions I do  not  share intimate details of my life. Yet on my blog I publicize these personal stories, sharing them with people who are arguably more unknown to me than co-workers or whoever. There is a view that uploading lots of photos of yourself to a social network or blogging intimate details of your life is narcissistic or shallow. But I argue that the Internet is allowing for multifaceted, deeper ways to present ourselves and connect with others.

Your imagination, aesthetics, thoughts cannot be discovered by a casual first meeting. But with the internet we can learn a lot about each other and ourselves almost instantly.

I think the internet allows us to embrace the many selves within. I believe that emotionally, psychologically, we are made up of many different voices, each of which may have it’s own distinct tastes, perspectives and personalities. The internet can better allow us to better reflect that nuanced inner world, to explore the many different parts of our personalities in a way that day to day interactions don’t allow for.

I think a notion exists that when one plays with a persona online that they are being “fake. But, if anything the people I meet in real life made more sense after seeing them online.

In a way, online, you get to interact with the best parts of people. A lot of the burdens of real life like social awkwardness, defenses and embarrassment are minimized. When chatting online you are allowed more time for responses, you get to edit what you are going to say, or can use google if you don’t know an answer or obscure reference. I think it can actually enrich our interactions.

To some this may seem like a bad thing, like you are being yourself without your “flaws.” You have control over how you want to be seen and I think it is efficient and  interesting.

I think a very “90′s -Mom” idea still exists of “but you can be lying online, you can be anyone on the ‘cyberspace’.” But you can also tell a lot about someone by their internet presence. We make these judgments instantly when we decide whose friend requests we will confirm or deny.

Would it be too cliche to now ask, what did people do before the Internet? Growing up in a small town in the middle of nowhere, my peers’ interests were nearly the same as the 80-year-old men sitting on their front lawns: they enjoyed fishing, hunting, church and binge drinking cans of Keystone Light. This was not going to work for me. The internet allowed my teenage self to learn, to discover music and culture, to waste my time on forums and pre-Etsy sites where girls hawked finicky jewelry.

A few months ago Steven Levy wrote a piece for Wired about Twitter. The story centered on the guilt he felt with social networking. “The more I upload the details of my existence the  more I worry about giving away too much.” As a blogger I can relate to this. When I share those intimate details of my life it is always with a purpose in mind. I ask myself why am I posting this, what do I hope people will get out of this? I think that knowing there is a responsibility with what you share is key.

The internet cannot hide your identity, but maybe it can help you find it.

I think any young person who is not being actively encouraged to experience the world away from home with no strings attached needs to examine the relationships which may be holding them back. Why not move to Thailand to teach English? Or go to NYC broke but fabulous?

Too often, small towns are about matching and fitting in. If you decide to leave the group for something you see as better, it will create waves. Deep down they know that if you leave– and mean it– you are not coming back.

But in the town where I’m from there is an adage about young people who make it out: “They’ll be back.”  The only higher education option that was presented to me after high school was the local community college. True to the saying, each semester kids who had made it out began appearing in my classes one by one. But why? It felt like a  quicksand, kids sucked into the multiple generation-old patterns of their families.

From a young age I also learned that living in cities was scary, stressful and crowded. There was an air of turning one’s nose up at it, as through city living were immoral. When I decided to  move to the city I got a lot of,  “Well I couldn’t do that. I don’t know how you’ll do it.”

When you reach leaving-home age one potent thing that happens is  family propaganda. I was told things like “Remember that your family are the only ones who will always be there for you” and even “I’m sure you will forget all about us…” This doctrine takes form in many cliches: “Don’t forget where you came from”, “Home is where the heart is.”

Anyone who has ever vacationed knows that it only takes a few days of settling in before the hotel room becomes “home.” We are adaptive beings, your home is truly where you make it and your heart is with you.

The rules were simple. Throw away anything you don’t wear, or that you don’t see yourself wearing again. Throw away anything that does not lend itself to your current personal style, or what your mind’s eye sees as your classic style.  Throw away anything you wore in order to fit in with a certain group, or for a boy. Throw away all things that are faded or look too old.

Then convene with your partner and take anything you’d like that the other girl has tossed, everything else gets thrown out!!

Perry, my neighbor and I had a few glasses of wine when we came up with the idea. Maybe this is what made it so  easy to toss the pieces of who I had been. As I dug through the closet, tossing out clothes, I began to feel fashion baptized. I let go of nostalgia. I let the ideas of my future direct me, the pieces of clothing that made me feel good, safe, most myself.

I chose items to sacrifice that I knew were more suited to Perry, a sheer floral printed blouse, an oatmeal colored cob-webbed shawl, a lacy lilac top. We gave each other carefully chosen presents from our closets, taken with glee and appreciation.

This inevitably led to  a fashion show, not to mention an embarrassing glance into each others past lives. We bonded over various skull and crossbones prints and held up band tees in a form of self deprecating amusement.

When it was all over and we sat on the floor in piles of dresses, skirts and tops, our golden glasses of wine raised triumphantly. As women true to our word we packed the rest back into our trash bags and made the way down to our buildings dumpster, flinging the bags in.

The next morning as I got dressed for work I admired the immaculate minimalism of my closet, the crisp folded turtlenecks, the beloved hanging dresses. I got ready and felt lighter in myself.

I was working as a hostess at a restaurant. It was the morning shift and rather slow. I stood behind the hostess stand thinking of how clear I felt, wondering if Perry felt as great and hopeful. My thoughts were broken as a twig-thin woman with a strutted towards the restaurant.

I immediately recognized the burgundy colored pants with black lace overlay as a Christmas present from my mother years ago. They were a size zero and I had never been able to squeeze into them. This lady was rocking tose pants. On top she wore a tee-shirt that read “So Fresh, So Clean.” I remembered it from the night before, when it had resulted in fits of laughter when Perry pulled it from her trash bag.

The woman dramatically approached my hostess stand and asked “Can I have some matches?” It was the same homeless woman who lolled this neighborhood day and night. She was having a very on day.

I handed over a fistful of matches and watched in awe and she sashayed out.

So… throwing out things you don’t need can be good for your closet and your psyche. And maybe your friends and who knows who else?