I grew my arm put hair.  When I’d find myself alone in a rest room, I’d look in the mirror and lift my shirt see the fuzz, a shock of hair that felt luxuriously soft and foreign.

Arm-pit hair serves an evolutionary purpose, so I have read, that is why we have it. It helps waft our scent to the noses of would-be lovers, helping us sniff out compatible men, or for men, ladies who are ovulating. New research shows couples even smell each other’s emotions.

When I wasn’t shaving I can attest that there was more of a smell. Not B.O. as I usually knew it, but something human, and uniquely mine. And something about all of this was sexy.

I don’t expect au natural armpits to ever catch on in mainstream America, where we like our teeth white as picket fences, breasts majestically mountainous and our lady pits waxed as apples.But just once, I’d like to see an American Apparel billboard showcasing the usual lithe model, her arms dangled above her head to reveal furry pits.

In America, shaving underarms has been a fad since around 1915 with the ubiquity of the safety razor.

A marketing campaign spread, suggesting that women shave their pits. This campaign warned that underarm hair was “unhygienic” and “unfeminine.” Strangely, that hygiene thing didn’t hold up for men. In the next two years, razor sales doubled.

Shaving my underarms has been around since about 1996, when I was 12. The moment light hair appeared under my arms, I began a shaving regime, almost robotically. But I find it interesting that women don’t even grow full armpit hair until about age 18.

This year, Amanda Palmer and Mo ‘nique attended the Golden Globes with, respectively, armpit and leg hair. A collective “ewwwww” spread ’round the Internet. It reminds me of this friend in highschool who once recounted “I was at McDonalds, in line, when the woman in front of me raised her arms to pay or whatever…and she had hairy pits.“  His face contorted with disgust. My response then was an “ew” too. Aside from the icky phrasing of “hairy pits”, why was that so gross?

There was a moment, when I decided to grow my pit hair. I stood in the shower, letting the warm water wash over my face and thought “it’s weird that I’ve never actually seen my own pit hair.” When I didn’t pick up my razor,  I also thought “it’s worth questioning”.

It wasn’t exactly a feminist calculation, or a “statement”. It was a self-exploration, more “I wonder what this is like.” And it was interesting, sexy and a little sweaty.

When we don’t feel beautiful inside, we often tell ourselves we aren’t beautiful outside either. While growing out pit hair adds nothing to actual substance or beauty, for me, it was loving myself as a whole, another way of negating self attack. But it can also be an attack on the conformance machine of media and peers.

A few months later, I was getting ready for a Christmas party. I stood in front of the mirror in a black satin cocktail dress;  face and hair carefully made-up. I lifted my arms to secure my up-do and was greeted with the dichotomy of starlet face/boyish pits. I thought, “tonight is a night to shave.”

Now, when I stand in the shower, rinsing in hot water, I raise my arms with a conscious choice. Do I want to shave today?

rabbit_write_08 (mp3 download 1.75mb)

A make-up tutorial video done in reverse while I attempt to answer the question: why do women wear makeup?

Overview:

Why do women wear make-up? I wear and enjoy make-up. In one sense, it is a way to express yourself, your mood and your interior life. I love the whole transformation process and I an a fan of the ability we have to change our masks, especially with a key as transient & in the moment as make-up.

Part of the reason that women wear make-up might actually be biological. There was a study done that had men rate how beautiful women were–with and without make-up. The men consistently chose the women with make-up as more beautiful. Except when the women were ovulating–then  men couldn’t tell a difference.

Ovulation is the human equivalent of “going into heat” it is when can get pregnant and our sneaky bodies are doing everything they can to help that happen. So along with a spiked sex drive, we also become more beautiful at ovulation. Our skin gets clearer, lips fuller and eyes more sparkly; kinda like you are wearing make-up. So the theory goes that because human’s don’t go into heat– we can have sex whenever we want– make-up has evolved as women’s way to attract males, making them think that we are in heat. It’s a biological magic trick.

But perhaps the biggest reason is cultural. I found a study online that claimed 8 out of 10 women prefer their female colleagues to wear makeup and the same number of women said they would rather employ a woman who wore makeup than one who didn’t.  This might be about not rocking the boat. Since it is socially accepted that women paint their faces day in and day out, we’re not going to like those who buck against the norm.

Because of these very strong social ideas about make-up, I think most of us don’t naturally have a healthy relationship with our cosmetic cases. I think the majority of us feel like we NEED make-up. And as long as there is not a real feeling of choice there it’s not okay. So I challenge you to explore that relationship with make-up.

The heart of this isn’t just learn ro love yourself without make-up, learn that you are beautiful without it. The core of this is realizing that your real value and what you bring to relationships, to life is not your looks.

I sat on the couch, symmetrically, both feet on the floor and my eyes closed. The inside-world projected behind my eyelids was just as real as the couch beneath me, or the therapist facing me. In that space, I saw a younger version of myself. In the woods, she played a secret game of twisting herself around trees and ducking into thickets. I recognized the woods as a more lush and larger version of the wooded-area behind my childhood home.

Those woods were a secret-space for me. As a kid, I knew that secret-spaces could be created anywhere: under a staircase, behind a bush, in a crevice between your bed and the wall. They were personal, private environments, alive with whatever you wanted them to be.

“It’s like here, she is able to reflect. She is allowed to feel her emotions” I explained, eyes still closed.  My therapist and I questioned the nature of her play. It was also about imagination, a space for creating. But there was another dimension, the explanation that felt right was “It is existential.”

Deb Moore has studied the phenomenon of the secret places in childhood. In an episode of All in the Mind she said: “It’s universal that children want to make those secret places. I was told by one of the children in my research, that only children can make secret places.  Another child mentioned that the teacher knows where they are but she doesn’t know that it’s a secret place.”

While I grew up exploring secret streams, morning glory-covered fields and abandoned train tracks, this isn’t the norm now. The stereotype of middle class American parents is that they over-schedule and over-protect their kids from exploring “dangerous” areas. What then happens to the secret space? It seems logical that  it would become more powerful, more sacred.

But some worry that as shiny playground equipment replaces trees and bushes, children are losing their secret spaces. The term “nature deficit disorder” coined by Richard Louv  espouses this. In “The Last Child in the Woods” he also argues that not having rich access to nature makes kids unhealthy, promoting attention deficit disorder and childhood obesity.

But Louv falls like a boring adult on the cliche of “TV/Videogames/Internet will rot your brain, now get outside, kid.” This doesn’t settle well with me or my inner child. Forcing kids outdoors is not that different from the parents Deb Moore discovered, who only let their kid ride his bike if they followed behind in the car.

I think that nature can be enriching, wonder-inspiring. But while my secret spots in nature were magical, I’m not sure that it was just being around trees that made a fulfilling experience. It was about a place where adults didn’t go. Away from chores, school and family, I was on my own and somehow in control of my environment.

As to that old parental argument, I think that the internet could be a secret space.  Also, Tetris, with it’s pastel falling colors and lulling music was something of a secret space for me.

As I trekked on a mid morning sunny journey from Logan Square to The Loop, I couldn’t help but notice the many secret spaces the city holds. A perfect shade tree on the grassy Boulevard; hidden benches facing the River beneath the massive  bridge on Clark street. My inner child lit-up at the prospects. I’ll consult her on when she wants to explore or take some downtime in nature, and I hope those over-scheduling and forceful parents learn to do the same.

What were your secret spaces?

My mother always told me, “Don’t have butt-sex. No, don’t ever do it!” she’d caution, arms flailing, playing her I’m-a-registered-nurse card. “That area was NOT made for that!”

“Have you ever done it?” I would slyly inquire. To this, she’d give a huff and an almost believably-acted, “No!”

At the time, I hadn’t done it either. I didn’t buy her “It’s wrong!” shtick, but I still feared the inevitable anal proposals to come. For the prior three and a half years I had convinced my then born-again Christian boyfriend that we needed something to save for marriage.

It’s a safe bet to say that the anus is the most disowned area of most people’s bodies. To say that the anus and anal sex are taboo does not begin to capture how personally directed the fear and disgust of the anus is. Even the word anus makes people cringe!

My mother was wrong about anal sex. The anus is a pleasure center for both men and women that reacts naturally with arousal. Even Kinsey was aware of this erotic potential during his studies this in the 50′s. Yet, to many the feelings we associate with the anus is a polarity of feeling nothing or feeling pain.

But according to Dr. Jack Morin in his book Anal Pleasure and Health, the anus should feel “pleasantly alive “. Yeah, mine not so much. Deeper into the book, Morin explains that the anus is a tension center for many people. To check yours relax, take some deep breaths and try to focus on your anus.

No really, I recommend this exercise. Close your eyes and do a meditative anal “check-in”. Maybe do a few kegels with your anus to get started. Do you feel it? Maybe it feels relaxed, maybe it is numb or maybe, like mine, it feels somewhat tense– uncomfortable to focus on.

Morin gives a few reasons for this, he suggests that toilet-training teaches us un-naturally to tense our anus when anxious or scared, as the natural response would be to release bowels (think ancient man running away from some large animal, needing to be lighter.)

Or as children watching our parents body language we may learn that this is an area to tense up, a spot to hold our anxiety. Morin then makes the connection that the anus becomes associated with anxiety and fear and can become a center of chronic tension holding worries from the day, yesterday and so on.

Unlike my mother, I will admit that I’ve had anal sex. The first time it was a decision made out of the self-assertion that I was open-minded and adventurous in bed. I remember the anal sex as feeling incredibly intense, as he entered me, the words: most painful sex I’ve ever had, ran through my mind while I gripped a pillow. But anal sex never has to be painful. Anal sex not only doesn’t have to hurt; it should never hurt. Yet we aren’t taught how to do it; we aren’t taught how to feel relaxed in this area, how to enjoy it.

But when it comes to enjoying anal pleasure, guys have it harder. For men, the topic of anal pleasure is often rife with (irrational) fears about homosexuality. I think that these days most people are sensitive about being outwardly homophobic. While there is this “it’s okay for others” mentality there seems to be a personally directed homophobia, a silent paranoia about one’s own sexuality.

Fears about cleanliness are also common. From the time we are young we are taught that this area is “dirty” and this deep seated paranoia continues into the bedroom. But as Morin says “when issues of cleanliness are charged with emotions, it is clear that irrational fears are at play.”

Getting positive  and confronting those fears doesn’t mean jumping into anal-play. For me, just focusing on being present to the tension I hold, and how it changes in different situations. It is time for the anus to come out of the closet.

Part 1

Part 2

I wanted to share this set of videos, because it is one of the most exciting conversations I have come across in awhile. I’ve not seen something so beautiful and thoughtful on the topic of atheism and de-conversion in, well, maybe ever.

While other atheist memes are quick to point a finger, laughing at “silly christians” this video set manages to bring real reverence and empathy to the topic. “God” is very personal, and I think the topic deserves this level of respect.

My own experience with de-conversion is very different from the author’s. I’m not sure precisely when my own faith in christianity was lost, but it was long ago. I didn’t have to wrestle with bible verses or Jesus, but rather the concept of God and spirituality.

I do consider myself to be a very spiritual atheist, and that is because I know this feeling of “God” hasn’t gone anywhere, the answers to prayers, the guidance, feeling healed and forgiven, these are all things inside of me. They are what many psychologists would call “the self.” I was happy that the author of the video covered this, and did it so well.

God=You is something I find myself coming to time and time again, when talking with mystics or christians. I often find myself replacing  the word “God” for “my true self” in my head and it is often astounding how much more sense their point makes. Kind of like when people say “you” when they really mean “I” such as: “you go to work, you feel depressed.” When you hear someone do that, change it in your head to I, and you might be amazed at how much more true, telling and vulnerable their statement is.

God is you. It brings new meaning to Namaste: the God in me bows to the God in you.

There is one meaningful question every person has to find an answer to: Would you keep the baby or not?

It found it’s way into my living room last night. Ned and I sat on the couch after a successful budgeting discussion, and we realized we were coming up on our yearly decision. Last year, we thought it’d be best to decide ahead of time, rather than make the huge decision in emotional heat as strange, new hormones swam around my body. Whatever decision we came to with clear minds would be the one that applied all year.

If I would have gotten pregnant last year, it would have meant an abortion.

“Well it would still an abortion” I said, thinking of how prepared I would want to be and am not.  Ned caught the look on my face, “It is a lot harder now”.  Ned said we should talk when it wasn’t so late.

I’m undecided on whether or not I want to have children, ever. Being in my 20′s, I see peers who do, and I can’t help but judge that maybe they do  it out of some unconscious desire to fill their own needs. To gain control, to have someone to love.

Was the rush of emotions I felt about my own selfish desires?  I  felt that a sudden desire for a baby should be looked into, before making-a-human-being becomes a quick answer. But I am also not sure that there is a reason to have kids that isn’t a bit selfish — and maybe that is okay.

I remember talking about this topic with a friend once. She said “Someone once asked me ‘well, will you ever be *truly* ready?” As though it were a rhetorical question.  “Yes,” I replied for her. There is so much you can do to know what raising a child means, that does not involve any sort of “well I turned out okay” mentality.

I am undecided about whether or not I want children, but I am very interested in parenting and what that means for me as an adult, and what it meant for me as a child.

From what I’ve studied on parenting, I strongly recommend: Parent Effectiveness Training and The Drama of The Gifted Child and online resources like No Spank, The Natural Child Project, Taking Children Seriously & Autonomy in the Family.  Before I could ever know whether or not I want a child, I need to know what it is going to take to raise one. Are you really going to learn all of this in the 9 months you are pregnant on top of learning basic childcare and doctors appointments?

I am unsure whether or not I will have children, and this is out of the utmost respect for them.

Here I have put together a resource on psychotherapy gathered from my own experiences and on the many articles and books I’ve read on the topic. The plan is to continue to add and edit as I discover more and as you share your own experiences and insights. Please use the comments or privately email me with ideas, questions, or concerns.

I am not a therapist and I am not licensed in anything really. The following is my own experiences and opinions. Please ask the professionals for real answers and advice and please seek medical attention if you are contemplating suicide.

xoxo,

Rabbit

Blocks to Getting Therapy:

For years I was curious about therapy, but it seemed there were so many excuses to not go, or almost that I needed an excuse to go. Here are some common blocks & ways of addressing them.

• It can be tough to know whether you need therapy or not. I’m not one of those people who says “everyone needs therapy” but I think anyone who is on a journey to self awareness could really use the help of therapy. Or anyone with the goal of a healthy relationship. Of course, therapy only works if you put in the time and effort. It is about growth and change and you are the only one who can make that happen for you. Additionally, new research suggests that therapy is extremely powerful for anyone: 1, 2
• Past Therapist Baggage: Not all therapists are good therapists,  unfortunately. Just because you had a therapist in the past with whom it did not work out with, does not mean that therapy won’t work for you. sometimes finding the right  therapist is a journey in itself.
• Ugh But, Therapy is Expensive: This is one of those little annoying truths. Yes therapy is very expensive. But if you are a person who has made happiness and health a priority, then therapy should be one of the “have-to’s” budgeted in. You might be surprised at how many therapists actually offer sliding scale. It is worth calling around and asking. Check out Finding Your Marbles article on other ways of scoring cheap therapy sessions & Psych Central’s article on the same. Also, many therapist offices have interns available as therapists, which is often better than no therapist! I’ve personally had an intern as a therapist and it was a fantastic experience from which I learned a lot.
• Stigma: It is kind of hard to believe that there is still a therapy stigma…self-discovery should never be a bad thing. Explore your feelings around the stigma, be curious, you might just find something that is worth working on in therapy!
• Whatever your concerns are, if you are considering therapy for the first time, I recommend Alice Miller’s thoughtful FAQ on Finding a Therapist.

Finding a Therapist:

This is a really hard part. You want someone who you can work with in the long-term, someone you are on the same page with & that you can trust. However, this takes some work. Here are some tips at getting there.

• What Type of Therapy do you want? If you are going in for a specific issue, it would be most fitting to choose a therapist who specializes your area. Beyond that it is important to look at what type of therapy the therapist offers. I suggest researching therapy types before hand and getting idea of what you are comfortable with. When you find a therapist you like, research the type of therapy they offer if you have never heard of it.
• What credentials do you prefer your therapist to have?
• Do you want a Male of Female therapist? This does not affect how good or competent your therapist is of course, but you might want to explore what you feel most comfortable with. You want someone you can feel safe and easy to talk to with.
• Therapist Listings: Try Good Therapy Guide,  Psychology Today & IFS Practitioners, American Psychological Association, Academy of Cognitive Therapy, a 1-800 Therapy Hotline, Health Finder & Yelp never hurts either!
• Referrals: ask friends, other therapists and people involved in psychology based forums and communities for therapists they would recommend. Ex: Psych Central Boards,  IFS Forum
• Ask for a consultation: Many therapists will give free 20 minute intro sessions. In my experience these are over the phone, but it would be pretty smart to ask for one in person.
• References: Some therapists will give you references if you so inquire.

Starting Therapy

Your heart hammers in your chest during that first meeting, afterward there are a rush of emotions and you aren’t even sure what you feel. Here are some tips at making those first scary steps.

• Pick up the Phone and Make the Call: I’m not sure why but simply making the first appointment can be the hardest step with therapy. Just make yourself go through the motions and do it, you’ll have time afterward to evaluate your feelings!
• If you get a receptionist, ask if you can speak with the therapist on the phone for just a couple minutes before meeting in person. This might be right then, or a call back when they have a minute. You can often have strong feelings after even a brief phone call.
• First Impressions: I often find phone calls awkward anyway, and a phone call with a stranger even more so. But it is important to be aware of your first impressions from your therapist from that very first call. What vibe did you get? How comfortable did you feel? Did they explain the methods they use and how they will help you reach your goals?
• Interview Several Therapists: This is sort of a “why not”– as already established not all therapists are going to be right for you. The point is to find someone you can work with long-term.
• Things to be ultra-aware about in first meetings: Did you define ways to meet your goals? Where were you with boundaries with this person? Did you sense that your therapist had set boundaries (professionalism)? Is this someone you think that you can be honest with, someone you can trust?
• Also a great article on What to Expect from your first Session. All I have to add is: Think about an answer to what your goals are, expect to give a brief family history in the first few sessions and still be extra aware of how you feel toward your therapist.
• Multiple Therapists? I have had multiple therapists in the past: an art therapist along with traditional therapy. I think multiple therapists are great for someone who has made self-work their number one priority and has the time to sink into it. However, this is not for everyone.

When It Isn’t Working

This situation was one of my toughest experiences with therapy, but I think I learned a lot from addressing it. Here are my tips.

• Radical, Radical Honesty. We aren’t used to being so upfront in professional settings, which can be scary. But the more honest you can be with your therapist the better–think about it this way, it really helps them out, they also want to get the most out of your sessions!
• Explore why you might be hesitant. What have you been working on in therapy? Could this be a defense?
• Is this a pattern? Has your therapist began to take the role of a partner or parent?
• Practice what to say beforehand. Think about it, write it out and practice it. I suggest role-playing with a friend beforehand if you can.
• Get another therapist’s opinion. Go to someone else in the practice, or ask a close friend/partner’s therapist if they would talk to you about your concerns.
• Tell the therapist directly what you are looking for, what needs to change.
• Look for Clarification. Have the therapist repeat what you need back to you. Are they getting this?
• Ask Yourself: Can you be honest with this therapist? Is this someone you fully trust? Can you work with them long-term? Do you feel you can state your beliefs and preferences in session?
• Do you feel listened to? How does your therapist take this feedback? Do they admit mistakes?
• Never stay with a therapist you are unsure about. Often with health insurance we only get so many sessions, and even regardless of that your time and resources are precious. Move forward without dropping out.
• Check out this article on what Effective Therapy actually looks like and this one on what to do if you don’t like your therapist

Changing Therapists

You’ve got to be with someone who you can trust, who you can work with long-term, but it might take awhile to realize your therapist is not that person. Explore what happened and work to find the therapist that will best help you–never settle.

• Understand what went wrong. Take some time to slow down and really reflect on what was not working and why. What were the therapists blocks and what were yours?
• Understand what you want to do differently. Define what you are looking for.
• Review elements of good therapy
• Ambivalence is normal. It is hard to leave any therapist, allow yourself room to grieve so you don’t end up ruminating.
• If you are leaving a dysfunctional therapy environment, be curious as to why you stayed with the last therapist. Was there a pattern here that you were fulfilling? What was staying doing for you?
• Bring up your concerns with your past therapist in your first consultation with the new therapist. Also any positives you are afraid of losing by switching.
• Get clarification that the new therapist understands the past problems and what your goals are.
• Ask how you will meet those goals. Get a clear idea of how this therapist is going to address your issues differently.

Leaving a Therapist

In most therapy the goal is for you to someday leave. So how do you know when you are there?

• Consider going to therapy less at first. Perhaps every other week, or once a month.
• Articles on When To Stop Going: 1 and 2
• Ask your therapist up front when they think you should do.
• Have you met your long-term goals?
• Do you have effective ways to deal with getting triggered?
• Again, allow yourself to grieve and feel the pain of leaving a therapist. It is a difficult transition to leave this person you have grown close to and have trusted so deeply. It is okay to feel sad about this.
• Going back is not failure! You can always go  back for as many sessions as you need with a new or old therapist.

Therapy has been crucial in my journey of self-awareness and self-discovery. I recommend therapy to anyone who is willing to put the work in. I would also love to know what your tips are. In the meantime, good luck on your journey to a harmonious self.

What feelings or images does the word intimacy evoke? Some research  has me at the drawing board, re-thinking what intimacy is, and what it means to me.

Was your mental image of intimacy sexual? So often, as sexual beings, we equate intimacy with sex and it seems as a culture we see sex as the highest form of intimacy. Yet I don’t think that sex necessarily results in the greatest intimacy, I think there is true and deep intimacy without sex– and in turn sex without intimacy.

Sex might not be the highest form of intimacy but it may be the most common. I’ve always thought that sex was sort of like a short-cut to intimacy, a way to quickly connect but not as good as getting there through honest communication and vulnerability.

We also don’t have many models for non-sexual intimacy. In films, TV and books we rarely see characters who have intimate moments that aren’t sexual. There are many times when a film could have it’s characters truly become vulnerable and relate…but instead a sex scene is substituted. This is often talked about in the asexual community.

To me, intimacy is one of the most precious of human experiences. Intimacy is trust, it is feeling safe enough to be emotionally vulnerable with another human being.

Just as there needs to be the deepness of intimacy in a relationship, there should be plenty of sparkling light. Connecting honestly and vulnerably is heavy and there should be lots of laughter and frivolity too. This i where you can see if your intimacy is safe with them, is this person respectful and kind toward you when you aren’t being intimate?

For me, the height of intimacy is engaging in radically honest, vulnerable exchanges. When I am able to have truthful communications with people, when they respond with curiosity,  when we both share and become incredibly honest I am left with such a shimmering body buzz. This level of intimacy brings a high that not even sex can duplicate.

You are Not Wrong– this has become my mantra for the past week. So often as I go about my day, excessive worry, guilt or all-around feeling bad creeps in. I have a tendency to self-attack and over-worry, sadly I know I am not alone in this. However this is not our natural state, the true self is not self-loathing. We are taught to self attack, bred to self-hate and once these triggers are in place there are extremely hard to turn off.

Because self attack and self doubt do not come from the true-self, getting centered and in touch with the true, wise part of ourselves is a way to negate self attack. However, centering does not always happen. I can know I need to get in touch with the wise old woman within, and I can try to center, but if I don’t have the time to meditate or am already too far off the off the worry-wagon it probably won’t  happen. I would then go on feeling awful, crazy or depressed until I somehow have a breakthrough, a therapy session or can give myself  hours to meditate and reflect.

When I catch myself feeling off, bad or guilty my therapist suggested that I try simply telling myself “you are not wrong.” When I hear this sentence it comes from a place of pure self-energy, from the wise part within me, this part knows I am not wrong. This also touches on self-forgiveness, of the idea that no matter what your choices were in the past, you did what you needed to in order to survive and that was the right choice. In addition to this knowledge, by living a self aware lifestyle and consciously making the right choices and thinking about my actions I know in my heart that I am not wrong.

When bad feelings come up, saying to myself You are not Wrong has worked extremely well. It is instant, a jolt of energy from the true self. By telling myself this, I can stop running myself through the mud, get an instant center then move on. You can tell yourself this as many times as you need to. Remember this message is coming from the true self, the part of you that is wise, that loves and creates. This is also a way to catch bad feelings early on before they turn into a generic rumination about something that has nothing to with the original feeling.

What is interesting is to see what you are not wrong about. Saying you are not wrong works instantly for me, before I even realize what exactly I felt so bad about. When I’ve traced my thoughts backward and found the thing I was ruminating about it usually isn’t about me or isn’t mine at all. I tend to feel bad about other people’s emotions, or imagining how other people feel about me. How many ways do you make yourself wrong? By looking into this, you may learn a lot about yourself.

Unless you were one of the few golden, good looking kids in middle school, you remember  the embarrassing thirst for popularity, the fantasy of being a small part of that spotlight. Ever since grade school I can remember a pressure to fit in, and even then I felt disconnected from others kids. Before the pre-teen emergency wish to be popular I was kind of okay with my being the odd one out; I knew I didn’t quite want to be like them anyway.

But around age 15, those awkward wishes began to come true, I made the duckling-to-swan transition and started to mesh with the cool kids.

Now that I was cute, I was allowed to hang in circles of other cute girls and I quickly realized that to be a part of this girl-culture there were many unspoken rules. There were parts of myself that had to remain hidden from my friends, namely intelligence. With my girlfriends (and therefore in all social situations) showing any signs of intelligence or independent thought was a big no-no. If I said something with an ounce too much brain,  my friends would look at me like I was smoking my cigarette backwards.

In the past few years this dumbed-down girl culture has been targeted by Oprah, Pink and scores of internet-feminists. Damaged, ditzy starlets have become scapegoats for this “stupid chic” trend. Yet Paris’ oversexed baby-talk thing is nothing new.

Consider, our culture’s ultimate sexual icon of all time: Marilyn Monroe, the real life Barbie who often played child-like (and oversexualized) characters.  She was the epitome of sexualization and stupefaction…and why do the two always seem to go together?  This blank minded, boundary-less flirting reeks of damage; of victimization, a play on regression to childhood, a nod toward pedophilia.

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been aware of the stereotypes that come along with a pair of X chromosomes. I can remember being three years old and feeling that maybe I was more of a boy because of this. In my mind women were made up of cleavage, flirting and playing dumb. Between seeing modern damsels in distress on daytime TV and the female role models  in my life hiding their rationality and intelligence behind attractiveness, I knew that being a girl meant putting on an act. Even then it felt sexualized.

When I meet new people or am put into social situations it is often hard not to fall back on acting dumber than I am or sometimes acting overtly sexual. It is often much more comfortable to put on these old masks than it is to show my true self.

After being in a social situation or even during, I have found it helpful to check in and ask myself: Are you speaking your mind? Are you being intellectually shy? Are you covering your anxiety with ditzy or over-sexualized ticks?

Since this is poured into our collective psyche  this act can become a part of us. We might not even realize that we are acting ditzy, it becomes second nature, or a defense. So often, we aren’t encouraged to live up to our mind’s potential or even discover what that is. It is easier to just let the media and our family and peers tell us how we are supposed to act and think. It’s like the masses of people who just listen to whatever is on the radio…it’s easy, it doesn’t require thinking, it is the path of a follower not a leader. But it is the path that is cut out for us.

What are your thoughts and experiences with the dumbing-down of girl culture?