The Internet has forever changed the way we have sex. A recent study by Shape and Men’s Fitness showed that 58% of men and 80% of women say Facebook alone has led to faster sex. While online dating becomes okay with single moms in the suburbs, online casual sex remains more taboo, continuing some 90′s parental fear of “you could be anyone on the world wide web!”
In a series of stories for Sexis, I talk with people from three different spheres of casual hook-ups: Craiglist Casual Encounters, Newspaper XXX-listings and Fet-Life, to find what really happens when you hook up online.
Part 1. Craigslist Casual Encounters
Adam Blanton is an artist and writer. He has also become something of a a Craigslist Casual Encounters expert.
What are your ads like on Craigslist? What works?
It’s almost amateur psychology. I’ve found women like to answer questions, especially if they are about men, like, does this coat look bad? Or, do I dress well? I will post a picture and ask “should I shave?” I will get responses saying “Don’t shave, I think its sexy.” I’ll say “Awesome. Thank you for the compliment. It really made my day. I am sure you are cute too.” Then they’ll send a photo. It will deteriorate into a hook up. 90% of my ads have been like this.
One girl said “I think you are really cute in your picture. But I see you on here and I know you are a total Craigslist creeper”. It’s true I am.
What’s up with all of the dick-pics on Craigslist?
I met this girl on Craigslist. She was a lawyer, ex model. Her husband was a flight attendant and out of town. We had been chatting and she invited me to come over and give her a massage. I found out she was married when I got there, we just ended up making sangria and talking. She told me about a lot of other guys she’s met.
This one guy kept sending her photos of his dick and would never send photos of his face. When she finally did get a picture, he was like this Jim-Belushi-Chicago-unattractive-guy. But he had this really beautiful penis. Maybe there are just a lot of unattractive guys with big dicks and Craigslist is a good way for them to get laid. Like they can’t go to a bar and show their dick. Maybe they really are putting their best foot forward– and their best foot is their dick.
Any tips for placing an ad?
Different days of the week work better for ads. Thursday night is a wonderful night to post an ad. People are looking towards the weekend. No one is thinking about sex on Tuesday. Also, I’ve posted an ad as a woman with a fake picture just to see what kind of response they get. At the most I would get 12 responses. Women are flooded. If you are even halfway attractive and you put an ad up you are going to get 150-200 emails from guys.
Get more tips and juicy stories from Adam here.
Part 2. The XXX Classifieds Section in the Newspaper (hey, they submit them online!)
Nina is a 56 year old RN. Over a plate chocolate chip cookies, she describes herself as shy, but in the last few years Nina has found her voice in getting what she wants sexually.
What was one of the most memorable guys you’ve met through the classifieds?
There were so many good, hot experiences but a sort of negative one stands out. He was older than I and not quite as appealing as I had hoped. I think he liked what he saw however. I asked him about getting tested for STDs, just to be on the safe side. He looked at me like I was nuts. I finally realized he was impotent. I decided to carry on.
We ended up at his apartment. He had letters from women framed and on a table in his living room. They were essentially testimonials about what a wonderful lover he was. I wish I was making this up.
We retired to his bedroom. He undressed and proceeded to go down on me. I really wasn’t into it. The phone rang – saved by the bell! I got dressed. He came back and was angry. I tried to be polite and said I just needed to go home.
The strange thing was that on the way home, I realized that I was almost giddy with happiness. I put on some music at home and started dancing. I felt I had a triumph! I had said no and left a situation I didn’t want. I felt very powerful. Probably the first time I had taken charge of my sexuality and not just tried to be a “good girl” who never complained.
Why do you think it’s mostly men out there in the xxx-listings
I think women just still don’t feel comfortable acknowledging that they have a strong sexual drive, as strong as men usually. We frequently are ashamed of it. We try to suppress it. Answering an ad or putting one in is not ladylike. Plus, you hear horror stories. I really think that women in general still need to explore their own bodies and try out different things to see what they like.
I was a 49 year old woman when I started, a little overweight not super attractive with a surging libido. And not knowing what to do with it was not pretty. Starting this journey of exploration suddenly at my age is bizarre–funny, interesting, weird. And I am glad its happened. its all just been such a revelation, it’s been joyful.
Read more of Nina’s story here.
Part 3. Fet-Life Explorations from Your fave #Fucksaw Couple
Jim and Faith are a poly couple who use Fet-Life to throw massive fantasy parties and find people to date (They are they couple from the infamous “fucksaw” demonstration at Northwestern University). Here are Jim and Faith behind the controversy.
How has the Internet changed your sex life?
Jim: I love to set up elaborate fantasies up for people. Everyone has a fantasy they don’t think it going to happen. You have to do something that people are going to masturbate to for a long time afterward. There was this girl (online) from out of town who had a fantasy of being owned by a secret society. So we had this giant induction party where she was inducted in the secret society. She flew out here for this Everyone had robes on and it was very ritualistic. She loved it.
Faith: That is why we all have the tattoos (points to forearm) she wanted to secret society tattooed on her too, so we all got these.
Jim: So we made up an entire secret society. We had the temple slaves, who were fluffers. We had to go out and get kneepads for them. That was one of those instances where you have to show up at a store and buy 20 pairs of knee pads and a bunch of rope and the girl at sport mart looks at you funny. Before Fet-Life came along we didn’t do parties. Fet Life provides a strange shorthand that lets people know things… I certainly can’t tell people on Facebook what I like.
You guys are also poly, how has Fet and online hook-ups had a hand in forming that?
Jim: One of the most important things people can do when they start talking about being poly is to sit down and talk honestly and openly with each other about past sexual experiences. Hearing your partner talk about having sex with someone else in joy and happiness is the first step. If couples can’t make it past that step, they will never have sex with other people.
And that liberation of your story happens online too. So, once people’s stories start getting liberated there is joy in that sense of compersion. Fet life is one of the only places where I’ve seen that compersion, its not a common thing right now. And it’s fantastic because we as humans really only learn through experiences…whether its other people’s or our own.
More wisdom and hot stories from Jim and Faith here.
6 Comments
I find hooking up via the internet to be a super interesting way of getting exactly what you want. The idea of sex being “made to order” is so intriguing to me!
I actually lost my virginity to a stranger via an on-line dating website hook-up two years ago. It was really bizarre and the whole thing actually took place in a graveyard. I guess it makes for a good story.
Would I do it again? Yes! I often find myself searching craigslist ads when I am hard up for action but I have yet to follow through on any of those.
Hillary,
I agree, in a way it makes more sense than online dating and the “made to order” model that provides. Graveyard sex is always a good story, I think? I find what Nina had to say very poignant about why women resist craigslist and hooking up online.
It’s sad that women are so socializes against their own desires, that we can’t even know what that would look like otherwise.
very interesting! however i still feel like i’m going to end up as individual body parts in the bottom of a river whenever i consider replying to a craigslist ad. mostly because my kinks involve being vulnerable, and i’m afraid that that involved more trust than a stranger offers me.
however, the anonymity would be nice for something kinky as hell. also you don’t have to ease into it like you would with a romantic interest, lest you freak out a potential mate with your penchant for rope.
I’ve done a bit of CL posting and dating, with mostly negative results. I did go on one date with a cute redneck model (she was a bikini girl at regional boxing contests) and I’ve received TONS of emails of penises and offers for handjobs and blowjobs from guys. That’s the market. Adam’s strategy sounds like gold, I’ll have to try it. What I like about CL is it’s easy, fast, and free to get an ad up…no subscription payments needed.
Besides CL, I’m a veteran of sites like Match.com and I find it easy to get dates and hookups from those places.
Banana,
Ahh, I hadn’t even considered that part of it. It’s true, I think as women we often feel like we are more vulnerable but imagining being a submissive in certain situations means a lot of vulnerability. However many kinky people seem fine with Fet. Maybe the answer is video chatting instead of a live meet? I’m a proponent of video chat, I know chatroulette kinda ruined that one but I find it cute/hot.
Lance,
Yeah I’ve never done internet dating or internet hook-ups. Internet dating was taboo in the past and is now so accepted, this should be where internet hook ups are also headed. It’s seen as dangerous but there are a lot of upsides as well. I think not meeting in a bar or club where people are so often wasted has the potential to be much safer, with more of an eye to consent.
As far as safety goes, Internet dating is the safest way to get connected. You can easily filter via emails, pics, chats, phone calls, etc, well before the actual meetup, and if you have experience it’s very easy to screen out the crazies and scammers. On a conventional site like Match, I find it very easy to get real dates with authentic women, which is what I’m usually interested in. There’s a stigma attached to Internet dating, especially for women, and the thought is that people are lowering themselves because they can’t find dates in “real life.” This is nonsense when we consider the amount of communication we do electronically these days. Fortunately, that stigma is in rapid decline.