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I don’t think we really allow men to really explore their sexuality. When they do they are seen as “icky” to an extent, in turn male sex toys are seen as “icky.” I wonder if guys themselves afraid of sex toys. A majority of men’s sex toys are made to stimulate the prostate, anal toys. In our culture it seems exploring anal stimulation sparks homophobia. I think the new homophobia is a more personally directed fear. As LGBTQ becomes mainstream, so does the awareness that gay-bashing is not okay. So instead of “you are a fag” it becomes, “Well its okay for you, but I’M not gay.” It becomes this paranoia about your own sexuality.
But beyond guys being scared, are we scared of guys that use sex toys? It’s a weird double standard. There is such a friendly attitude toward vibrators but with male masturbation-sleeves it’s a resounding “ewww”. The only legitimate “ew” issue with sleeves is clean-up but you can buy ones that are easier to clean. Fleshlights are easy to clean, there are sleeves you can boil. So that argument really doesn’t stand up for me.
With sleeves it sometimes seems like we are seeing the toy as a disembodied vagina and that is what makes it weird or gross. And I don’t think that we think of dildos this way, so I’ve got to wonder why. I think maybe it’s because we objectify women. We put value on a woman’s body, on her looks. In porn, all we see are disembodied penises, we don’t care about ogling the whole man or putting him on a pedestal. A dildo is a toy.
I think “sleeves are icky” is a result of the male version of the madonna/whore dichotomy. Either you are a good, nice guy or you are mechanical, you want a hole to fuck. And guys who use sleeves get painted with the “hole to fuck” stereotype.
A new study came out about vibrator use and men by Michael Reese and Debra Herbenik. This was a follow-up to their study last year which found that 45% of men reported having used a vibrator. This time they studied gay and bi men and dug into how they use vibrators and when. The vast majority was anal use. Most of guys agreed that vibrators increased arousal, pleasure, and orgasm, but they didn’t strongly agree with these statements.
A post on About.com noted that last part was interesting Because, according to the author so often people talk about sex toys as this life altering experience that will solve all of your problems and that’s really not what it is.
It’s hard to justify the price of sex toys. How many times do you really use it? But I think it should be looked at as entertainment. As an experience. Not this sex-life changing thing. And it’s an experience that I think men, like everyone, should be able to freely explore.
8 Comments
I know i’m guilty of being ooked out by sleeves. I think what icks me out is when they have mouths on them (or fangs, what?). Also, the Fleshlight beer cans just confuse me. There’s definitely a pervasive double standard with sex toys. It’s okay for women to objectify the male body and it is considered almost normal to use a phallic object for pleasure. So why, then, is it “wrong” for a man to objectify parts of a woman’s body to gain his own pleasure? Maybe this stems from the (ignorant) cultural assumption that men don’t need much to get off, that’s it’s eaier for them to acheive pleasure; give them a visual stimulus and their right hand and they’re good to go. Plus, achieving male orgasm through vaginal intercourse is (as I’ve been taught) pretty easy. But for women, some of us simply CAN’T have an orgasm through vaginal intercourse, so maybe society “allows” the use of sex toys and personal massagers because we’re “deficient” in the art of the quick and easy orgasm? I don’t know, this is a coffee-fueled rambling comment. I’m starting to come around to the sleeves, but not so much the ones that have mouths on them. Those things just bring the phrase “I wanna fuck her in the mouth” to my mind and there’s something about that idea that lacks full consent, I guess. I don’t know.
Kaitlin,
Thank you for the coffee-fueled ramble, I think you bring up a lot of valid points. Okay, if anything a disembodied vagina or mouth is just more grotesque than a penis because it would be much harder to slice off a body. Right??
Aside from that, I too am also totally guilty of feeling ew’d out by sleeves, I’m like everyone else.
I also think you are sooo right in saying that we think guys “don’t need” sleeves because their sexuality is easy, it’s pushing a button, where-as women’s sexuality is pushing the right button of many, pulling some levers and steering the wheel. But none of that is really true.
But, as you said it is EASIER for men to learn to masturbate because it’s kinda more out there.
I think what it comes down to is feminism, which largely made it okay for women to use vibrators (thank you betty dobson!!) Men havent had something like that, something to say “yes your pleasure is okay and normal and you deserve exploring it!”
You sure to post on interesting topics.
I think there may be something about men not being encouraged to be sensual? Fucking is OK, jacking is OK, orgasms are OK, but luxurious pleasure-building is kinda missed out. From what I can glean as a not-so-sociable female, a boy or man is told he shouldn’t be a minuteman, but not that he should really know how to curl his toes for his own in-the-moment joy.
Foreplay is commonly talked about, I think, as something a man does to keep his woman happy. Not for a mutually pleasurable intimate experience. So the mainstream masturbation narrative becomes unf unf unf UHHHHHHHH, The End.
I think that this is no good.
Claire,
Oh my gosh, I think you are onto so much here. I think that no genders are *really* allowed to have luxurious, soulful and meaningful self-pleasure (esp in the mainstream) but guys REALLY arent allowed to.
Again, this can partly be tied back to feminism. Carol Queen, Betty Dodson and Nina Hartley all advocate for long, joyous drawn out masturbation sessions. While they prescribe this to men as well as women, these are feminist writers. Mostly read by feminists, who are mostly women.
I think also, like you pointed out with foreplay, in so much of sex for men that they are there to perform, less to enjoy.
It really struck me when I watched a video.. let me find it actually.. OK, this video.
The idea that using food and/or dance in a sexual way is so non-usual that it counts as “so gay” and such an extreme joke that it qualifies as self-identified ‘trolling’, it made me think.. ‘huh. Boys really don’t get to have that much fun, do they?’
I gotta read more feminist literature.
Hi. First of all, let me say that I’ve really enjoyed your website. I’ve spent some time tonight reading through some of the topics you discuss and it’s certainly a lot better than anything else I’ve read concerning human sexuality. I’m 30 years old and single and I’ve had so much trouble understanding relationships and sex and all that, it just seems like there’s no good info out there. Just regular people giving bad advice and such. I found the sex toy video on Youtube earlier today and posted a comment on there about half an hour ago, then I found this site and realized that I should have just posted it here. Oh well. I’ve decided to repost it here for your convenience:
I’m a single man and I have a sleeve product. It’s a hell of a lot better than my hand and gives me pleasure comparable to actual sex. It’s been two years since I’ve had sex and would prefer real sex over sex with a disembodied vagina. That being said, I think one of the male sex toy problems is this sort of perception of the man using a sex toy being a loser. I read a story on the internet about a woman who was buying some female sex toys, she looked at the male section and wondered what kind of loser would buy them. She then realized how hypocritical she was for thinking that. Even worse, I feel like a loser when I use it because I’m not having real sex. I love doing it, but when I’m done and I come off the high, it feels like I’m not good enough for sex with a real girl so I have to use this fake vagina to give me pleasure. Meanwhile, all my married friends don’t have this problem. They can get it for real a lot more often than I can.
Late, but still.
I just ordered my first fleshlight, and I agree with most of what was said, except for the criticism of men just wanting a hole to fuck. That’s exactly why I bought my fleshlight. It’s a hole and I can fuck it. And there’s nothing wrong with that. And the only part a woman will play is in a porno for visual stimulation. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
So, other than that, I agree.
I’m in my 40s, married with kids and find my libido far exceeds that of my wife; hence the need for solitary relief. The first sleeve I ever bought was was a silicone jelly with a vulva opening. Frankly, I found that side of it tacky (same for mouth and anus shaped sleeves) but loved how the sleeve felt. Where was this thing when I was 15? Do I feel like a loser for using it? I’d rather nobody else knew I had one. There are very few people I have discussed my masturbation with and, curiously, most of them are women. I don’t know any other guys who use them and would probably be uncomfortable talking face to face about it (no problem in a chat room however).
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