What feelings or images does the word intimacy evoke? Some research has me at the drawing board, re-thinking what intimacy is, and what it means to me.
Was your mental image of intimacy sexual? So often, as sexual beings, we equate intimacy with sex and it seems as a culture we see sex as the highest form of intimacy. Yet I don’t think that sex necessarily results in the greatest intimacy, I think there is true and deep intimacy without sex– and in turn sex without intimacy.
Sex might not be the highest form of intimacy but it may be the most common. I’ve always thought that sex was sort of like a short-cut to intimacy, a way to quickly connect but not as good as getting there through honest communication and vulnerability.
We also don’t have many models for non-sexual intimacy. In films, TV and books we rarely see characters who have intimate moments that aren’t sexual. There are many times when a film could have it’s characters truly become vulnerable and relate…but instead a sex scene is substituted. This is often talked about in the asexual community.
To me, intimacy is one of the most precious of human experiences. Intimacy is trust, it is feeling safe enough to be emotionally vulnerable with another human being.
Just as there needs to be the deepness of intimacy in a relationship, there should be plenty of sparkling light. Connecting honestly and vulnerably is heavy and there should be lots of laughter and frivolity too. This i where you can see if your intimacy is safe with them, is this person respectful and kind toward you when you aren’t being intimate?
For me, the height of intimacy is engaging in radically honest, vulnerable exchanges. When I am able to have truthful communications with people, when they respond with curiosity, when we both share and become incredibly honest I am left with such a shimmering body buzz. This level of intimacy brings a high that not even sex can duplicate.
6 Comments
Wow. What a fabulous article! It makes me think about intimacy in new ways indeed. I am certainly guilty of equating intimacy with sex and forgetting that there are other levels of intimacy that don’t involve sex at all. Thank you for this.
Paula,
Thanks for your comment! I think most sexual people are guilty of equating the two but exploring other facets of intimacy can be eye-opening as well as mind-blowing! It is important to remember, I think that most people are sexual beings and sex is then natural and wonderful but sex does not mean intimacy–or vice versa.
This is a subject that I’ve thought about for some time but have never been able to adequately formulate the words to do the topic justice. You’ve said what I wanted to say… and beautifully. Thank you.
Thanks for taking on this topic! It’s such an important one. I’d challenge you to ground the way that you’re talking about intimacy a bit more though. You’re talking about the way that intimacy FEELS, how it’s an emotion you experience that’s not necessarily tied to sex. You’ve done a great job of talking about how not-just-sexual intimacy can be deep and heavy, but there’s another side of the picture.
Nonsexual intimacy can be like making love: deep, heavy and emotional, but it can also be like fucking. Intimacy feels good because it gets shit done. It scratches itches that you don’t have another way to scratch, like the intimacy that I feel when I’m travelling in Africa and I run into a fellow traveler from my hometown.
Personally, when I go about looking for intimacy it’s all about building these kinds of relationships with value. If I want to connect intimately with a person or a community, I look for a way to build a relationship that makes something new and meaningful happen. Everything else (vulnerability, trust, love) flows from that.
Really good article… many people forget that intimacy is deeper than sex.
I need to work on “sex” though.. I think my bf and I have become too intimate and have put aside sex. Can you write something on how to get back your mojo when you’re stressed and frustrated?