“Do I look okay?” –“Yes. You look pretty.”
They are words are accompanied by pouty mirror-face, pushing up cleavage and conversations that only happen through the looking glass. It’s a cliched image, the ritual of getting ready. But these acts, somehow, are important.
A friend in high school once turned to me. “I can’t tell when I look pretty. I can only tell when my make-up looks good” she said. “Yeah” I nodded.
“Do I look okay?” –“Yes. You look pretty.” It was important, we knew. Not for just the pretty girls, or girls who would make a living from their looks, but for all of us. No one had to say this, it was the knowledge around us, in the air.
I started wearing make-up in the 7th grade. The weight of the words 7th grade make me twitch a little. According to some psych research, when kids reach 11 or 12 (the 7th grade) something happens. Girls quickly spiral ahead of boys in the realm of depression, eating disorders and anxiety, ending up with 2 to 2.5 times more chance of having depression than boys.
So, I am not alone in knowing the 7th grade as a quicksand, sucking ever-slowly- at self esteem. Make-up didn’t make it better, but it was something of a band-aid. Powder, mascara and burgundy lipstick were a concoction that enabled me to talk to boys. If I could make myself look pretty, I’d have a chance at being, sigh, popular–liked. Accepted. For a second, maybe I believed I was worth it.
It was around dusk, the sky tinted purple outside the living room windows. Inside, my mother and I were yelling at each other. I was in trouble. It was in the beginning of 7th grade, and it seemed we were always yelling then, maybe about home-work or “talking back”. Neither of us could remember now. But it was the punishment that would be pressed into me. Grounded for a week from wearing make-up.
It was Fall then, too. The golden season. That time when anything feels possible, you can come back to school, re-born in new clothes. A time of re-inventing yourself, leaves changing yellow and warm. But, that long fall week, I drew my face into my sleeve. I was not okay, I was weird or ugly. It was punishment to not wear make-up. I didn’t feel good about myself and when you don’t feel good about yourself, you dim yourself– willing your sparkle to fade.
As an adult, when I face people without make-up, I am often self conscious . My face burns hot and pink and my expression contorts into something awkward. Ashamed. “They are going to see the twelve year old inside. The one who knows I am ugly or weird. That I am not okay.” I twist my hair over my face.
To not wear make-up for a week is my choice, now. For me, a good relationship with make-up isn’t a given, but it’s something to work towards.
It’s not about finding that I am beautiful without make-up or that I am beautiful on the inside, because beauty is shallow. It’s fleeting. This is about understanding that our cultural obsession with beauty is overblown. That there is a ridiculous beauty standard…But maybe as a person, beauty isn’t what I have to offer the world. Maybe it’s something else entirely.
11 Comments
I gave up makeup decades ago. I still have eyebrow pencil and blush around for festive occasions. Lipstick looks totally weird and I don’t like it anyway.
When you give up makeup for a while you find that you look normal without it and strange with it.
Yeah, oh man. I had my makeup privilege taken away once upon a time, as well. I used to wear a ton of it, and then my parents said “no more.” Actually, it was just the eye liner and lipstick they took away, but even learning to go without those things was somewhat life-changing.
Same as CanadaGoose. I am probably the only 21-year-girl in my faculty who doesn’t wear makeup. Actually I don’t care about it:) When I was at high school I wanted so bad to wear makeup because of all my other friends, and I kept on wearing it at the university too. It was funny somehow, but at the same time it was just something I thought I had to do, not something so really enjoyable (except for parties).
But recently I had to attend a course in Germany for two weeks, and I decided not to take the palettes with me – no room for themXD. And that was liberating – I had no more to remember to use eye pencil every time I was going to see my classmates. When I came back, I realised that I didn’t need it anymore.
Few days ago I looked at myself in the mirror and spontaneously thought: “Hey, you look beautiful today”.
Spontaneously.
When I don’t wear makeup, I always feel like the awkward 13-year-old who felt like she was the only person on the planet who wasn’t ALLOWED to wear makeup. (Until the very end of junior high, the only makeup I was allowed was translucent lip gloss; I was the Queen of Bonne Bell. Maybe it’s possible that my addiction to makeup is an attempt to cover up that awkward misfit girl. I want to stand out to fit in.
It’s interesting the different ways adolescent girls can find to be insecure – when I was in middle school and in the beginning of high school, I always felt like I wasn’t nearly cool enough to wear make up. If people saw me put make up on or knew that I was wearing it, they might look down at me for having the audacity to try to improve my appearance when that was just so clearly impossible… I used to apply concealer in the bathroom stall between classes and then practically rub it all off so no one would notice. It wasn’t until I got a little more confidence in myself that I decided that I could do whatever I wanted and no one would say otherwise. I won’t be participating in this no make up week challenge
Hey, I just came across your post on Jezebel and I think this is such a fantastic idea. I hope you don’t mind, but I’d like to join in a little late
I’ve noticed that since I started this new job I’ve been wearing make up far more regularly than I used to, and I’d like to explore why that is. I’ve also always been a little uncomfortable about my make up-usage alongside my feminism so it’ll be so interesting to think about that and see what other women are experiencing as they try the same. I’ve really enjoyed your posts so far, you are a fantastic writer and, if nothing else, I’m glad Jezebel led me to your site!
It’s funny how when you’re younger looks is soooo important. For me in particular I never knew i’d grow out of putting all this make-up on or doing my hair, spending hours getting ready. Now, I find the quickest ways to get ready lol! It’s horrible!
there was a reason why my mother told me at a young age not to use make-up. she said it’ll age me and that the chemicals were bad in the long run. my mother aged beautifully. she only used lipstick. she has great skin even though she hates her sun spots.
i started with lipstick in the 7th grade, only putting it on when I got to school and taking it off when my mom would pick me up. i didn’t start using foundation probably my sophmore-junior year of high school.
i’m a make-up artist but i pick and choose what i use on my face. i love tarte products and even some that claim to be “natural” i get a reaction. so be careful ladies! i have tons of make-up that i don’t even use. and like i said on Twitter, i only use make-up when i have to. for the most part, i am make-up free.
I’ve been having fun this no-make-up week. I’m not saying I’ll throw out everything (which isn’t the point), but it is refreshing (and important) to take the time to consider a facet of our lives we probably don’t (want to) question the motivation behind.
My contribution here: http://evenprettygirls.blogspot.com/2010/09/no-make-up-week-day-experiment.html
Such a neat idea! I wanted to chip in, too.
Here’s my personal makeup history AND exclusive photos of my bare face:
http://jauntydame.com/2010/09/on-makeup/
I remember being in 7th grade too and thinking I NEEDED to wear makeup. I felt that I had to wear my bright eyeshadow everyday, powder my face, and used lip gloss every here-and-there. Now… I don’t use any makeup. None. I feel really weird when I do now! I feel more normal without it, and weird and alien like with it. I do want to start using makeup again though.
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[...] post is written as part of a project called No Makeup Week, originated by Rabbit Write. She’s encouraging bloggers to try going a week without makeup, and to write about their [...]
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by rabbitwhite, Alley Castro. Alley Castro said: Feeling like You Need it: A Personal Make-up History: Do I look okay?” –“Yes. You look pretty.” They are words ar… http://bit.ly/9NzMcU [...]