rabbit_write_23 (mp3 download 2.5mb)
I was recently interviewed for a documentary about online dating. I hadn’t thought much about online dating, as I’ve met most of my luvies and one night stands in bars or through friends, but I realize, online dating has opened up a whole new world
In this video, I touch on some of the issues that we discussed in the documentary. Like: if being choosier is a good thing, Stats that show we don’t know what we want in a partner and how I think text and IM might be providing the platform for the new relationship style. Also hear about my first girlfriend, who I met on a “girl punk” forum when I was 16. To listen podcast style, use the audio player just below the video.
And to keep your brains moving while I gab, a few more things to consider:
- Is online dating necessary because it’s become taboo (or maybe just un PC) to hit on people on the bus or supermarket? Is this taboo a good thing?
- I am curious how online dating changes the dating game for people in rural areas rather than urban or suburban. My guess is it’s drastic.
- The danger seen with online dating is no one is vouching for this person–your friends or whatever. But is it really any less safe than going home from a bar with someone? There are people who pay for background checks before a date with someone they met online. Crazy or just safe?
- There is a lot of money to be made in online dating. And are we just marketing ourselves online? Going to a bar feels like hunting. Online dating seems more going to the grocery store, reading the labels and picking one out.
AND just for fun, some photos the husband shot while the docu crew invaded our apartment.
9 Comments
I’ve never gone on a date with someone I met on a dating site, although I have dated people I originally met on the internet. I’m not a big fan of internet dating, if only because I tend to paint a picture of what the person I’m talking to is like the same way I would paint/create a character in a book I’m reading. And just like I was disappointed by having Daniel Radcliff as Harry Potter, I’m generally disappointed by the people I finally meet in person after a lengthy “getting to know you” period online.
That being said, I’m head over heels in SOMETHING with a person who lives hours away by plane, in another province, who I have never met in real life, and only communicate with online. I’m excited to one day meet him and see what he’s all about, but we aren’t even online dating… just communicating.
Becca, yes! The other day, looking at who I follow on twitter, I realized so many of my friends are internet friends, and yet I really do cherish these people, even though I’ve never met them IRL. Some studies show that after an online connection, our impressions totally change after meeting IRL. Which is a little surprising.
I will say, while I don’t have any serious relationships online, I do get online crushes, on my twitter and blogging friends. There is a certain couple (both bloggers) who love as online friends and think are just wonderful…but also pretty hot too!
I don’t know exactly what changes when you meet IRL…online you can’t present all sides of your personality you know?
First of all, I just want to say that I follow your blog religiously, I adore your writing, and I think you’re an amazing woman.
Secondly, I am currently in a decently serious relationship with someone I met online, so I thought I’d share my experience so far.
All through college, I got into a pattern of investing myself in these almost-relationshippy friends-with-benefit-type situations with guys I met in the music department. Inevitably, I would discover that each one was unstable and emotionally unavailable. Because of the intensity of my major, the music guys were the only ones I ever interacted with. I joined Okcupid when I finally embraced the fact that the likelihood of one of them being right for me was slim to none.
Goofing around on the site one night, I added “Star Trek” as a keyword to my normal search criteria. Joe showed up there with “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” as one of his favorite movies (be still my heart), and he seemed interesting and relatively attractive. I read over his profile, and his wittiness and goofiness earned a moderate nod of approval from me. I noticed he messaged me, and so he and I messaged back and forth a bit. He asked me if I’d like to join him for hookah with his friends in the city. THIS was what made me decide to meet him instead of anybody else I’d corresponded with (his impeccable grammar and nerdy banter didn’t hurt either). This guy didn’t want to meet me in a dark alley and rape me; he just wanted to hang out. It really took the pressure off meeting face to face, and I appreciated that. I took my friend to meet him with me, and he and I instantly clicked. We’ve been together for about six months now, and I can honestly say I’ve never been in a more healthy, honest, communicative, supportive relationship.
At first, I’d catch myself searching for “trombone,” “music,” and “passion,” ultimately realizing I was trying find someone who fit the mold of the guys I’d already been dealing with. Joe didn’t fit that mold, and that was part of what drew me to him.
Though Joe and I share a great deal of personality traits and interests, we are very different individuals. I feel intellectually challenged by him, and we are constantly introducing new music, new theatre, new movies, new food, new people to each other. We show and tell, and then we explore new things together. There is a great deal of harmony on our relationship, but I don’t think it’s because we are homogenous. I think the source of the harmony is being supportive of the others’ endeavors, whether they are alike or different, whether we are interested in them or not.
You mention that online dating takes the chance out of dating. I would definitely have to say that even though Okcupid ranked us as a 93% match based on our interests and values, I think it is the physical aspect that Okcupid cannot predict. Okcupid couldn’t have possibly known about my thing for tight, squeezable butts, and it couldn’t have known that Joe possessed one. Okcupid had no idea that our bodies would fit together like puzzle pieces while spooning. Though you can see pictures of someone on online profiles, you don’t get their body language, their demeanor, their voice, their mannerisms, their aura.
I would say finding a lover on an internet dating site is like finding a job on craigslist. You don’t really expect that it will work, but you try it anyway. You sift through tons of duds, creepers, and spam until you find one that is moderately promising. If it turns out to be cool and you get it, great; if not, no big loss. You investigate, you interview, and you decide if this particular opportunity is worth pursuing. Most times, it probably isn’t. This time, I got lucky. We happened to be in the right place at the right time. Isn’t this the way it always begins, online or IRL?
I’d had only two relationships up until a couple of years ago, and had never asked anyone out myself.
I decided to try online dating as a sort of ‘safe’ way to approach people. It takes a LOT of the pressure off, and therefore made it an ideal baby step for me to get my confidence up.
I met many fun people online, and though I haven’t undertaken a serious relationship with them, I have been good friends, and still am, with some of them, and enjoyed their intimate company for a decent length of time. It’s also allowed me to safely explore my own bi-sexuality, as everyone is already up there for a clear reason, so there’s no ‘will they mind my hitting on them’ or anything like that. It’s just easier.
I don’t want the only way I can meet people to be online of course, and stuck to my original purpose of finding a socially safe way to express myself, and have since graduated to approaching people in real life, with reasonable confidence (and success!).
And finally, I don’t think it’s any less safe than taking a stranger home from a bar, where there has been alcohol and possibly drugs around, where their mates could be their to back them up in any wrong doing, etc etc. It is not without its risks, for sure, but the process of chatting online to meeting IRL seems much smoother and calmer to me. Just employ the same common sense strategies you hopefully use on any night out.
Mic,
Oh, I love your response, how insightful. I want to just like shout from the rooftops for men online to take a cue from Joe and the way he asked you out! Seriously, a group hookah date is a perfect way to meet someone.
Also you bring up a great point with the fact that online dating can push you outside of you box. I know when I was single I did end up dating a lot of the same types. This is why I say in the video that if I saw my husbands profile solely it would be a *shrug*. He wasn’t a DJ with a lot of party pics, he didn’t walk the line between hipster/homeless. And this was the scene I was immersed in online.
And totally agree about right place right time. Husband and I met randomly in a bar that I was cocktailing at. When I just happened to be open to it. So much chance goes into play here, it is about right place, right time and luck…not fate!
Arianr,
So interesting about the bisexual thing. For me, online dating has been mostly about girls. Back in the Myspace days my profile was strictly set as bi, because I was hoping girls might message me, or know when they saw me IRL. Also, you are bringing back memories of me signing up for Bust personals to look for girls one summer. Should have tried a diff site though, not much out there.
Hrm…I’ve got quite a bit to say about this topic, but I didn’t realize it until I went to comment. I’ll try to get the short version out in a coherent manner.
I have zero problems with online dating – I’m a serial monogamist, and I’ve met and/or pursued four relationships via the internet, including the one that led to my marriage. The services I used were all free, and I could easily interact (or not) with whomever contacted me, pacing things as I felt comfortable. Having things develop online first allowed me to bypass the awkward “getting to know you” stage that I struggle with in non-romantic interactions, which was a huge benefit for me. Each relationship that made it out of internet-land was richer for the foundation we’d established online, and they are some of the most valuable memories I have. My experience was 95% positive, all things considered.
The caveat, however, is to be safe and use some common sense when considering what information to share with people you connect with and when deciding whether to meet up. The internet is a mask, which some people forget, and you’ve still got to be on your toes just as much as if you were at a club looking to pull. I was lucky with my experiences in that I was easily able to prune out “bad apples” and not get involved with anyone I wasn’t comfortable with. Yet I know many people invest more in someone online than they would in person, which can end up with lots of hurt. It’s a risk, just like “regular” dating, but the difficulties presented by the internet are easily ignored, making it more harsh when the risk doesn’t pan out.
So it’s a double-edged sword, but you can avoid cutting yourself if you apply a bit of care. As someone who’s studied psychology, the evolving world of courting is endlessly fascinating to me; online dating is morphing into IM/texting and who knows after that. In another 10-20 years, maybe we’ll be sexing like in Judge Dredd.
I consider myself an online dating pro. Not because I meet the best people, or can “really pick ‘em”, but because I’ve done it for years. And years. And years. Not jsut on dating sites – through forums, chats, listServs – you name it. I think I have easily dated over 75 people from the internet – some successful, some hilarious, some downright scary.
Were I to be single again, I would absolutely date online. It’s a blast, and I love the banter before meeting… It’s priceless! The anticipation is palpable, and sifting through profiles is like sifting through the world without having to interact – voyeurism at its finest.
Online dating gave me the chance to date older women, whom I would have been (and was/is) too intimidated to approach in real life. I’m in my mid 20′s, and I’ve now been on dates with women in their early-to-mid 30′s. And it’s largely because I knew from their listed acceptable age-range that they were at least open to the possibility of dating me.
And it’s been totally fantastic. Really, really fantastic. And I find that I really like the different dynamics that come with that atypical age difference. It balances out (or in some cases flips) some of the gender roles a bit. For example, the burden of initiating things doesn’t fall so squarely on my shoulders, which in turn makes me feel a lot more wanted and valuable.
Not that I’m against dating women my own age. I’m not at all, and I’ve done that as well, and it’s been positive. But online dating has unlocked an entire demographic of women for me that I would have been too afraid/intimidated to consider without it. And it’s a demographic that’s totally awesome.
Anyhoo… just singin’ the praises of older women (who are willing to date younger men
). And for me online dating has opened the possibility of dating them.
Ellie, Yes I could geek out for hours with you about how the Internet is changing dating and relationships models!! What we base our interactions on has changed, I even think that IM has changed flirting. For anyone who grew up in the aol instant messenger generation, you knew that chatting online was a key component in courting, and further there was an art to it! A good witty flirting session on IM goes far, in my book.
Lindsay, I’ve gotta say your positivity makes me feel a lot better about the prospects of looking for any online relationship online. I am curious, have you found friends online just as you’ve found sig others? This is something RW comments have brought up before, but why do you think friend-connection sites online haven’t happened yet? I guess that exists for particular interests, but I’ve not seen a real “plus in your city and meet new friends” site.
Nate, I have been so interested in this phenomenon. The media has really glamorized “cougar” and written it off a joke in one fell swoop. The thing is though, that women are taking more control of their sexuality. And with divorce forgoing taboo, with women having their own resources, for the first time in history they really can. I do see it from the woman’s POV, it does seem more sexual and sort of “why not enjoy this”. I am curious what you get out of it. You say they can approach you and this makes sense. What else? Is it any less intimidating?