It’s a lazy Sunday morning in bed. I am tied up and blindfolded (vanilla?)
His body moves languidly on top of mine, going through motions of touching, kissing, and tickling the bottoms of my feet (vanilla or kinky?) I feel myself smiling.
In the heat of oral, he jams the tip of his penis into my ear, the foreskin wet. (kinky). I laugh uncontrollably, it’s funny and yet, hot.
I don’t identify as kinky. I am not part of a kink community and I feel the sex I have is pretty-vanilla. But good sex is about exploring fantasies and experimenting in the moment–open to weird, creative and funny. Clarisse Thorn recently put out the word that she is studying the ways in which non BDSM-ers explore BDSM and I am so excited to see what she finds. I hope a lot of you “pretty-vanillas” sign up for her study, because this line in the sand between kinky and vanilla is outdated. It keeps kinky people stigmatized and vanilla people from exploring their sexuality.
Coming from the vanilla side, I know it’s more fluid than that.
What is seen as “kinky” is even fluid. Nowadays restraint is romance novel fare. And on the extreme, what is considered edge play–pushing the safe, sane limits– has morphed. In the mid 90′s age-play, puppy-play and scat were often considered edge-things that were not tolerated. But now all of these are now things you can find at any run of the mill BDSM club. Thank you Internet porn for making so much normal.
Even if you aren’t into light restraint or acting like a puppy, there is alot to learn from kink. Safe words are useful in any kind of sex, and so is consent. I’ve found that even in straight vanilla sex there are still psychological dom-sub roles. There’s a lot to learn from the sexual spontaneity and creativity it takes in torturing a partner. Kinky people are accepting of fetishes and excited by new and weird turn-ons–something we should all strive for.
For some, BDSM is an orientation, it is something they feel is at their core, something that they need. I don’t need any specific kinky act to be fulfilled sexually. All I need is good report with a partner and the freedom to explore fantasies and be silly and creative–fluid. Now you know, I’m “vanilla” and yet I like blindfolds and shin shi shin shi. Let’s break these polarities that keep kinksters stigmatized and main-streamers from having good sex:
23 Comments
You know, *I* don’t consider myself kinky– but my boyfriend does. Maybe because I’m willing to explore his fantasies and indulge his desires. Though my own are pretty vanilla, to be honest. Sometimes I enjoy the almost caught element of sex in public places and I do admit to having had the rape fantasy, but I don’t ACTUALLY want to do it… because to do it well might cross a line I don’t WANT to cross in our relationship.
The fella has his kinks– he loves the occasional “Daddy” or the idea of getting my pregnant during sex. Both of which I see as a sort of male domination. He also likes it when I get dominant, tie him up…
But most of the time I’m really just satisfied with a good position and normal sex.
So yes, I think I’m quite vanilla.
Ash,
Yesss! thank you lady for being so open, major props. I am with you on the some-things-are-fantasy-only. I love the idea of breath play and BDSM play that pushes the line of life and death, but in real life those things things often don’t do it for me. I love the idea of being spanked much more than actual spankings. It’s interesting how that works, no?
Ahhh, the pregnancy thing=hot to me. Goodness getting flustered over here!
Love that you can stand by vanilla and share all of this. Amazing.
Mr. and I are quite vanilla. I’ve even asked him repeatedly about his fantasies, but he says he’s got none (which I don’t believe) and that he doesn’t feel like he wants to branch out. Usually, I’m the one who brings it up, asking him if he’s bored with our sex or if he wants to try something new, and he says that he’s quite happy with how we get down. And I am, too, so there ya go.
That being said, there are aspects to what we consider “normal” that may not be in some circles. We enjoy mild breath play and the little pains associated with biting, scratching, or hair-pulling. But we don’t experiment with bondage, tickling, whipping, toys of any kind, food, or “dangerous” scenarios. There’s also no fantasy play aside from me occasionally dressing up “sexy” (with no stereotypes involved).
We do experience the natural sub-dom relationship, though. I like for him to be dominant most of the time, but sometimes he wants to switch. It’s largely unspoken, and there aren’t any accessories involved, though. We just know who should be on top, so to speak.
So yeah. Vanilla. And we’re totally down with that.
Ellie,
Yep I am the one driving this in my relationship too. Ned will say he doesn’t have fantasies when I ask but then whip out something new and exciting in bed. Hmmmm.
So interesting that you mention breath play. This even used to be considered edge, and I will venture to guess you aren’t the only vanilla playing along.
I also sometimes wonder if EVERYONE regardless of how kinky is dominant or submissive. But, I am one of those bratty switches, it’s hard to wrap my head around, I am dominant with women but submissive with men.
I can’t tell you how exciting is is as a sex writer to hear self professed vanillas being so open sexually. !!! It’s like: yes we are here.
This is very fascinating, & something I haven’t really given much thought to. In my mind, I feel like I am vanilla… but if I’m being completely honest, Jonathan has a tendency to bring out a kinkier side of me.
For instance… I NEVER enjoyed giving BJs until quite recently. I was actually disgusted by giving head based on my last relationship where “sexual abuse” had taken place (said in quotes, because I don’t feel quite comfortable saying it without them). But with Jonathan… I often *beg* him to let me go down on him, even if it means that I get nothing in return. I get so turned on by manipulating his cock, by watching him writhe in pleasure, by watching him cum; I feel like the sexiest woman alive, very dominant & full of playfulness, as though he’s wrapped around my finger.
I realize that the act of giving head is not considered kinky, but the thoughts/feelings/fantasies that arise from this act feel very kinky to me. Especially since I was so against giving BJs for so long. But I fantasize more about Jonathan’s penis than anything else… I simply cannot keep my hands off of it. Again, this may not be considered kinky to most, but for me this is huge, considering my history.
Another thing we’ve explored lately is role-playing, something I had never, ever done but found it to be extremely hot. It was Jonathan’s birthday & I wanted to give him a gift that I knew would surprise the shit out of him, & thus… “Rebecca” was born. She’s a classy prostitute who wears a lacy corset & see-through panties, she tempts, teases, & plays hard to get… & her “talents” are only given if Jonathan “pays” a little extra cash.
I don’t know what came OVER me that night! I didn’t even plan it, really; it was really just a good improv session, but oh my god… BEST SEX. Listening to Jonathan yell, “Oh, Rebecca!” was such a turn on, especially knowing that he was talking about another woman… but that woman was me.
& then there was this one time where Jonathan blind-folded & binded my hands over my head quite spur-of-the-moment like while he went down on me; again… something I had never done but my god, SO HOT.
There’s also a lot of dirty talk; A LOT. It’s kinky & completely out of character for me… but it seems to come quite naturally.
So… would I identify as vanilla? I would say that I am a Vanilla with amazing Kinky tendencies. ;]
I’ve actually been running along the “am I kink or not” line with my partner. I feel as though I’ve come into some significant aspect of sexual maturity in the last 2-3 years; I’m trying things I only fantasized about before, and asking for activities that are definitely about psychological domination. While I’m squicked by all fluids in sex – I think it’s my whole “avoid pregnancy and AIDS at all costs” indoctrination – I am becoming more comfortable at giving oral (since I am blessed to receive it pretty freely) and I’m starting to share desires I always hoarded as a dirty secret because I never wanted to “be” a kinkster. I’m getting over it, and getting on it, and getting it on a lot more now because of this internal transition.
I feel like my level of kinkiness has dwindled. When I met my husband, I was quite promiscuous. Sex was a huge part of my life, and I loved having threesomes and other adventures. Then, after we got married, I worked at a job where I was over-worked (70 hours a week) and extremely depressed. This led to a loss of sexual appetite that I haven’t fully recovered. However, when we are feeling frisky, we go through phases. Right now we’re in a “I want to see you get fucked by someone else” phase, which I’m really into. It’s a lot of talk, and I’m not sure if we’ll ever be back to the threesomes and voyeur sex we both used to love, but it’s still fun to talk.
I’m kinky AND vanilla. It depends on the situation, on the partner(s). Different things excite me on different days. It was only within the last year that I discovered that I wasn’t quite as vanilla as I’d originally thought (the realization felt the same as when I realized that, hey, I’m also into women. It felt natural because it felt sexy and awesome and hot). For years I couldn’t understand why my partners would balk when I would ask for them to tie me up, blindfold me, hold me down, be forceful. To me, because it felt awesome and sexy and hot, it didn’t even occur to me that my sexytime playmates might not be into it.
I remember talking about it with an ex of mine, actually. I’d asked her if she would feel comfortable tying me up, and she freaked out – not just because it wasn’t something she was into, but because I acted so “innocent” when it came to sex that she couldn’t equate “innocent Becca” with “tie me up Becca.” And then she accused me of lying about “innocent Becca,” called it an act. That was my first indication that my “kink” (and really, to me I’ve NEVER considered being tied up to be even close to kinky) was a kink.
Fast forward about two years, when I was tied up with a sexy girl’s thigh between my legs while she was being taken from behind by an equally sexy man while all three of us were on acid. Was it kinky? It didn’t feel kinky, it felt sexy and awesome and hot.
I have fantasies about having sex in public places, having a remote controlled vibrator in my panties while my partner has the controller, angry sex. My old fantasy favorite has always been being tied up. My go-to fantasy, I guess. I’ve never been hung up on labels (the only thing I’ve labelled myself as is “queer”). If it’s sexy and awesome and hot, I’m happy.
Apricot, Yesssssss!!!! <3 Thank you for all the thought in this comment, it was exciting to read. I love the playing another person game. Isn’t it wild how much of losing yourself in a game of pretend still works as adults? Love the you-loving-his-cock descriptions, beautiful. Loving your partners genitals is a spectacular thing.
Diana, Congrats to you! Lots of oral coming out here, eh? While it might not be considered kinky, I do think that oral sex is more “kinky” than penetrative, and often more interesting!
Jess, Interesting @Ellie_Di just said something similar–that “experimentation often stops after high school and college”. Which often means ending in marriage :/ The thing is, you can always get it back. You can always go back to vanilla or kinky. There is no point of no return. Also, the seeing your partner with another person thing–very hot. I didn’t realize I was into that until recently.
Becca, Thanks for the reminder that it can be hard to find people who are down for what you are. It’s just true. Interestign that you equate it to discovering bisexuality, I sort of agree. It’s like, I knew the kinky tendencies were always there but I had to act on it and admit to them. Also, what is it about being tied up?!? Also my go to.
I identify as kinky and have to throw gender play into this mix.
A woman in a men’s suit or wardrobe can be sexy, powerful, feminine, and masculine all at the same time. They don’t have to act masculine as long as they’re simply confident.
The strange thing is that when I am in drag or appearing more androgynous, women will hit on me more and that’s always fun. If men are into transvestites, drag queens, etc I will get hit on them often and some are just so terrible at it. It makes me empathize with women more with the crap they have to deal with.
When talking about sex I would use words like “safe”, “appropriate”, or “caution” but those words seem to have a hard time finding their place when talking about fantasies. Something about being in situations where one can be caught and, or, punished just intensifies a situation and gets the blood pumping. Yet, real life differs from the fantasy. For instance, just because many women admit to having a rape fantasy does not mean that rape, in its true form, is, at any time, appropriate. So, it goes without saying that some fantasies might be better unrealized depending on how much you are willing to gamble for your jollies off.
Here is a quick list of a few perversions that my gut tells me are better left as a fantasy than a reality:
sex with a relative or step-relative. sex with the friend of a parent. sex with animals. molestation. rape. necrophilia.
That being said, find a playful partner who is willing to have open,accepting, sexual experiences with you and you can pretend that she is, for instance, your step sister that just got drunk enough to pass out. . . half-naked. . .in your bed. . . and you begin to sneak a feel and fondle them in her sleep but she wakes up when you are molesting her. . . and she enjoys it. . . and urges you to proceed. . . but you have to be quiet because your pretend parents are in the next room. See how that fantasy escalated?
I’ve heard that men do not have fantasies that are as detailed as women. I’m not sure if that is true.
When I fantasize it is in quick sensational flashes. The feel of the female form sliding under the surface of my palms. Her bodies reactions to my touch. The taste of sweat from the nape of a neck. The tightening of her lower back. Genuine moans with exhales of steam. These are all, I assume, pretty common as far as fantasies go. Everything else about a fantasy is dependent on the situation and partner(s) involved in it. Though, It is theater of mind that turns the body on initially.
Some ideas from off the top of my head:
How about the masked intruder scenerio? Ever been taped to a counter top? (bondage tape is an easy purchase and is not hard to figure out or apply)
Want to have an inside joke with your loved one? have sex on, or attempt to have sex on, the top of a refrigerator.
Here is a tip: blindfolds are easily made. . . as are gags.
remember, even Alanis Morissette went down on her man in a theater and he was Uncle JOEY from FULL HOUSE for fucks sakes!
I guess if I had a point here it would be that if you remain creative and open to an idea then vanilla can take on many flavors.
P.S. If I ever find myself in-between the cars of the moving subway train and in the company of a tall, daring, and beautiful lady. . . assume that i will not be letting that chance escape me.
This article is very interesting for me, as I have long been questioning whether or not I am vanilla or kink. I’ve always had a need to define and label things- I believe it’s a control thing
I can comfortably label myself as bi-sexual (as opposed to ‘queer’ or something less specific), and have been very confused as to what really defines kinkiness.
I used to consider myself quite kinky. The first 2 years of my sex life revolved around role-play, dirty talk, light bondage and blindfolds, and if I’m with the right partner (which I intentionally seek for this reason) I happily experiment with breath play, sub/dom roles, light pain, heavy bondage and rough sex etc.
However, if I’m with some one who is not comfortable talking about this stuff, and so we have vanilla sex in the most common use of the term, I tend to get bored. Having said that, the best sex I ever had was completely ‘vanilla’, but with the person that, so far, I loved more than anyone, and who totally reciprocated. It . Was. Incredible.
But if that was the best, due to the emotional fulfillment, what do I actually want? Do I need kink, or is it something that’s fun until the right relationship comes along? Can the two be combined?
For some reason, I never have relationships with the same people I experiment with.
My question, from there, comes from the fact that I have two sets of friends. One set that think a threesome is the kinkiest, wildest thing you could do, and one set that frequents fetish clubs and is in ‘the scene’, which I’m not , at this stage anyway
So I don’t know where I fit in, or what to consider my own preferences. Sex is extremely important to my own sense of self, so this rather bothers me.
Blake,
YES, someone brought up brother/sister fantasy play. Why this is so hot is beyond me, but damn if it doesn’t work every time! I am very into the conversation about fantasies that are better left as fantasies. My husband is an art photographer and we have been collaborating as model/photog recently. We took some nude/slightly kinky shots and it lit my brain up. There are a lot of things you can present in a photo that might not work in real life–tied to a hot radiator, why not? Bound up in the snow, sure! But in producing that image, even though it might not really happen, the itch is scratched. Also, wait, are you kinky or vanilla?
Arianr,
Ohh your comment is intriguing as well. The hottest sex I had before I met my partner was not kinky per se, but the emotional stakes were high and there was some psychological domme-sub games being played out. I think again kink is fluid, maybe you *need* it at certain times in your life, with certain partners and not others. It doesn’t speak poorly on your partner, but it’s just where you guys are sexually. Interesting stuff.
I guess I am vanilla with some kink mixed in. What do you think?
Honestly…I think we are all just sexual. It’s more “I am sexual and here is what I like”.
I’m SO vanilla, and I’m proud of it! Although I find myself being really turned on by spanking. We like what we like!
Before reading this article, I never stopped to question how I would define the sexual experiences I’ve had with my fiance. Over the years, we’ve seen our share of kinks. We’ve only been intimate with each other, but what our sex lives lack in quantity, we make up for with quality.
We both enjoy being dominated and also dominating. I get quite the rush from teasing him, but also from seeing him take control. I’ve recently learned that I enjoy being tied up and blinded. In turn, he loves biting me, being bitten and he’s suggested some light blood play. I’ve been known to dabble in dirty talk and love having my breasts sucked and bitten. We’ve broken out the standard whips and handcuffs. Because of his bisexual tastes, we’ve even talked about buying a strap-on and I make jokes about watching him with another man.
Some of these activities we experiment with on occasion, while others have become inherently ingrained in our worship of each others bodies. We are both very dual in nature, and when it comes to sex, I’ve found that’s when we really see all parts of each other.
Oh I am so vanilla
I have recently begun seeing a guy seriously for the first time, and I’m really enjoying the fun, experimental (to me) sex we’re having together. It feels safe.. there’s lots of giggling and ‘let’s try this’.
I’m still learning how to just lay back and enjoy it when he goes down on me.. but I love going down on him. Like Ev’Yan, there is something so hot and powerful about making someone lose control like that. So, I’m trying to figure out how to just give myself up to him when he wants to go down on me.
There has been a bit of ass-play that is new for both of us. He enjoys it when I lick, and use my fingers on him.. which feels pretty kinky to me (I enjoy the feeling that I’m the one fucking him). He says it’s ‘so intense’. I’ve found myself touching my own ass and using my fingers when masturbating alone.. and it feels good but dirty at the same time! I want to be able to accept that part of my body sexually.. and to be able to freely explore any ‘kinks’ we may discover / let loose in the future.
First time commenting, WOOHOO!!
My husband and I are pretty vanilla when it comes to our sex life, although we will have anal sometimes (which isn’t really considered *kinky,* but the taboo part of it is awesome)… and I love it. The only real fantasy that both of us have, that we both want to do but probably never will, is for my husband to have sex with another man while I watch. My husband had a sexual relationship with a man before we met, and he is very much willing to engage in one again. The idea of seeing my husband with a man is SUCH a turn on for me, even though you would think it wouldn’t be, but when he’s up my ass and telling me what he would do to another man, talking about his cock… I can’t control myself… and knowing that he is turned on by the idea is hot too.
I don’t know if we’ll ever follow through though, because the fantasy of having another person in our relationship is a lot different than actually doing it. My husband has disclosed to me that he enjoys anal sex more than vaginal sex, although he likes both. And he’s let me know that he enjoys sex with males, giving blow jobs, etc. So there is definite bisexuality there. And I’m ok with him being bisexual (although he would never admit that that’s what he identifies as)… so there’s the fear that if we actually allowed this fantasy to come to life that he would end up making a choice that would leave me in the dust, lol… that’s sad.
But yeah, that’s our fantasy. Otherwise, it’s just regular ‘ol sex for us.
I’m pretty kinky, I think, but my boyfriend is quite vanilla. Still, turning me on turns him on, so he does a lot of stuff now without prompting that he wouldn’t necessarily enjoy by default, like spanking and pulling my hair. I maybe don’t get tied up as often as I’d like and there could be a lot more dirty talk, but I’m pretty happy with my sex life.
Hi Rabbit,
I recently discovered your blog (it’s so refreshingly insightful by the way) and while I’ve been a lurker for awhile, this post is one that was just calling for me to comment on.
I have had this conversation with many a friend and it has always seemed to me that I was perhaps the least vanilla person out of everyone I know. I also noticed that the ratio of vanilla to kinky folks I speak to varies oddly enough upon race or ethnicity. I’m not stereotyping at all as this is just based upon my personal experience, but it seems as though my Caucasian and Asian friends have always come to me for kinky ways to spice up the bedroom while my Black & Hispanic friends have probably one upped me in the bedroom as far as the kink factor. Of course, there are exceptions within the people I’ve had this convo with (an Irish friend of mine is quite the member of the mile high club, hahaha!), but I find it interesting nonetheless.
As for me personally, I feel as though I fall in what I call a “sweet kinky” category. I’m very submissive in the bedroom, but for me, sex is such a power trip that whomever I’m with is likely to get whatever they want. I love the playfulness and explorative nature of sex, so that usually leads me to being very open with different positions, places, and techniques. Though I’ve only been with 3 guys, I’ve found that I LOVE giving head (perhaps even a bit more than receiving). There’s something sor sexy and carnal about the act. I’ve also been tied up, bound, and gagged and that resulted in some of the best sex I’ve ever had. I also found that I’m into voyeurism, so I dated one guy that would jerk off for me whenever I asked him to. That is the one visual act that has never lost it’s turn on factor for me. Some things I haven’t tried yet, but will hopefully do one day is have sex somewhere semi public…my ultimate fantasy is to do it in a high rise with the windows wide open, go to a mutual masturbation party (I saw this on an episode of Real Sex once and it looked really hot), and enact a rape fantasy. That last one is a bit uncomfortable for me to admit though because of the obvious seriousness of rape…but for some reason, I’ve always wanted to try it with someone whom I trust.
Anyway, I’ve written a novel, lol…this was a great idea for a post…looking forward to all future ones
My lover is the most frankly sexual person I have ever known. He and I have both been through some things and have unconditional acceptance for each other. I have never felt so safe, physically or emotionally. He is kinky as hell, I have been the same level of vanilla. But at this level of trust I feel free to experiment- just thought I would share.
Taryn
Great flow of confessions
It’s so hot to read all of that.
I would say that in life I’m still pretty vanilla, though in head, for those “me&my vagina” moments I tend to go wild. The disperse is probably caused by the greatest doubt of all – should wildest fantasies really be implemented? Is married relationship able to sustain so much kink? I never know…
Anyway, while with Mr we like to engage in some slightly spicy sex with some more courageous fantasies shared, ie. pissing or threesome with girl; on my own I tend to go for some nasty pervert abusing and humiliating me; extreme exhibitionism with public group sex, watching my partner doing other women, lesbian SM…