When I decided to do Lady Porn Day, I was a little worried that I’d be found out: I’m not some magical porn guru. While porn has always turned me on, I’ve also felt lukewarm about exploring it. Too often, I would be left with an icky-film on my skin, that trucker-sex-shop feeling. There is some part of me deep down that just feels bad about porn. I received the message since childhood: porn was was sexist. It was bad. As an adult, it was hard to shake this long enough to actually find porn that was not sexist or bad.

There are a lot of reasons women don’t watch porn, aside from the background buzz of porn is wrong… porn degrades women. It seems a lot of women just don’t connect with porn. Yet I don’t think it’s because women “aren’t visual”. It seems the majority of porn is not made for women, especially straight women. And since, in my experience, women aren’t talking about porn with each other, it’s hard to know where to start. But feminist porn and queer porn are here and new research shows that while men are the large purveyors of porn, women audiences are steadily increasing, growing louder in our silence, apparently.

As I explored my negative feelings about porn, I also began to explore the world of porn beyond VHS tapes my highschool boyfriends showed me. And as I worked through what made me feel icky and why I felt icky, I began to find porn I like.

But, still, I have this worry-fantasy, that a friend will find this porn I like, paused on screen. Mortifying if the friend is a woman. There seems to be some silent girl-culture rule which says: “No!” And “…seriously? Ew.” Porn is taboo amongst women for the same reason masturbation is. In junior high, boys started talking about jerking off. It was something to roll your eyes at but it was okay–we knew all boys did it.  When us girls talked about masturbation amongst each other it was with the idea that it was just weird and gross. I remember in highschool, waiting for my first orgasm, expecting it to come from my boyfriend.

Even now, post Sex and the City and with Internet feminism,  talking about porn remains taboo and kind of embarrassing–even amongst my urban indie friends.  Firstly, because that anti-porn-feminist, porn harms women echo remains. And secondly, talking about porn gives our masturbation a desire, and it seems women are socially discouraged from owning their desires. I think it’s important to note that desire looks different for everyone, your desire may be about being desired—imagining as yourself as the hot woman in porn. But even this is not socially encouraged or presented as a valid option.

But the more we can openly talk about porn with each other and share what we like–our porn links and tips– the more likely it is that porn with women audiences in mind will continue being made. Porn is not wrong. It is just a tool for sexual growth, another sex toy. And everyone woman should be able to access her desires. That is feminist. You can be a part of Lady Porn Day, by opening up the conversation, whether it’s with your friends or on twitter (#ladypornday) or doing a post on your own blog. What porn do you like? What is your relationship with porn? What do you want to see?

Because while the numbers are rising, I don’t think the majority of women are watching porn. But I advocate that we start talking to each other about why we don’t watch it or do, what we like or don’t like. And let’s take a cue from the boys I knew in junior high and share our favorite finds. Submit your hot links under #ladypornday or e-mail rrw@rabbitwrite.com for inclusion in the “Jilling off Hall of Fame”.  Here, I’ll go first: