Surely I am not the only one who has imagined the death of a significant other. You play some version of it in your head: hearing the news, going to the funeral, the faces who comfort you. When you’ve fantasized about someone’s death enough, it’s almost as though it is going to happen, and could at any time. This was the case with my ex, Luc.
When Luc died, however, I was taken aback. As many times as I’d thought about any boyfriend dying, I never thought about how I would handle it. What do you do when your ex dies? What are you supposed to feel? Each situation is as unique as the relationship itself. But I can tell you how I coped; what I’ve learned.
When it strikes, Don’t fight your emotions.
I’d been on a date with my new boyfriend. We were seeing a movie and I remember thinking of Luc during the film. Sometimes I worried I thought of him too much: was it everyday? Five times a week? After the film ,the new bf and I had voicemails from my Mom. I hesitated and watched him listen, my heart quickening. “Luc died” he said. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”. It was some feral howl from deep inside of me. Suddenly I was faced with why I thought about Luc so often. There was a part of me that wasn’t over him.
Why does it hurt so much? They were just an Ex
When someone dies, whatever was left unsettled resurfaces. It’s not even that you have to get over them a second time. It’s that you have to get over them truly, over the things you couldn’t see. In the days that followed, I felt flooded. But running from what comes up won’t help, it will only continue to haunt you.
In Death, We Polarize
In the days that followed I flitted between two hazy states. 1. Pining: obsessing over of how great he was, building this imaginary future–what he could have done! 2. Condemning: remembering the bad, the blemishes in our shared past. In order to really move on, I would have to realize it’s not either good or bad, it’s both. I imagine it with my arms outstretched, palms facing up, the good in one hand and the bad in the other. It is about emotionally and mentally trying to hold both–at once. It might be comfortable to stay in one or the other, but this leaves you stunted in grieving. By holding both, I could see that I was no longer a victim in the relationship. I had responsibility here too. Owning your wrong-doings and taking responsibility is crucial to processing and understanding any relationship.
Going to the Funeral?
It’s a decision you have to make almost immediately. The go-to advice for funerals is “go for the family”. That aphorism has wonderful intention, but it might not be right for you. In many ways Luc was the person I’d been closest to…we were family to each other. It’s nice to show support, but as someone also shaken, I had to think about what I needed. You don’t have to go the the funeral, but honoring the death of someone so close is important. It’s about finding a way to eulogize them that makes sense to you–to your relationship. This also doesn’t have to happen immediately.
That closeness, your shared history is coming to a close.
Luc is gone. And there is completion in that: life comes to a close and this is where our shared story ends. When Luc died, I was shocked by the number of mutual friends who talked about what Luc was doing in heaven or seeing him again one day. I knew that Luc was just, simply gone. But getting that is coming to terms with your own mortality. But it can be positive . The finalization of death made me realize that I have to take care of me. That I want to live my life purposefully, in the drivers seat. This can be a powerful time, rich with renewal and change.
The ex might be forever gone. But they live on in you.
What’s beautiful about death is that the deceased lives on– in friends and family. They live in on in they projection we keep up of them: stories we tell, memories we keep. But another way your ex lives on is in the pattern they filled for you. They can appear in your next relationships, in people you are drawn to. And in processing the relationship, you can now see it, consciously. You can spot a wrong path. And you can consciously hold onto those who remind you of that ex, in positive ways.
In processing Luc’s death, our relationship no longer haunts me. It rests in peace. And I can honor his life—the whole, real him.
This post is a complement to a personal essay I wrote about ex-death for The Frisky. Read that story here.
9 Comments
Rachel, thank you for your moving tribute to Luc, and to something that happens to many but is acknowledged by few:
When an ex dies, we grieve.
In fact, sometimes we grieve before we grieve. A friend of mine, divorced from an addict, does pretty well since he’s alive–but has revealed that she is afraid she will utterly fall apart if and when his addictions kill him. The other day, she said to me, “I think his death would shatter me, maybe even hurt my relationship with my husband. I wonder if [my husband] will freak out when I mourn the death of my ex.”
Does she want to be with the ex? No. Does his presence in the world mean a great deal to her? Yes.
And it probably should. Anybody we ever loved has something lovable in them. We know it in our bones–even if it takes their loss to make that clear.
Thank you for writing about this.
I had an ex die tragically very recently and I’ve been struggling with all of what you speak about. our relationship was over almost 10 years ago, but the depth of my feelings over his death are something I’m not able to explain, and I don’t feel like many people understand.
Because of geographical distance I wasn’t able to attend the funeral and I’m working daily to process his death and let go.
thanks for knowing I’m not alone in feeling off-kilter by this.
Duana,
I totally see that. This relationship was also plagued by addiction, and I think I was maybe partly grieving the whole time. Well, at least trying to stuff the grieving back down inside of me, which all came up when it happened. Thanks for sharing!
Ms. S.,
Sorry to hear about your loss but congrats on working toward processing and letting go! I think that not going to the funeral, but finding your own way to eulogize is key. Have you found your own ritual or way to honor this ex? It’s never to late to do so.
<3
I also lost an ex (and our dogs) in a crazy tragic way a couple of years ago. At the time it was really hard for my current boyfriend, because of the insecurities that comes along with thinking of the person you love, loving someone else. It was hard because I felt like I had to hide my grieving or do it in private, just to not upset him. It was a hard process to work through and it’s nuts how the stages of grieving really happen (though I think the order thing is bullshit, it all sort of happens at once in waves).
My exs family was as big as a support to me as I was to them though and I really needed them to get through it all. We are still close now, even though we hadn’t been since my ex and I had broken up really. It also forced the person I was dating at the time and myself to find a way to deal with issues together even if we don’t like them. I don’t know how better to explain that, but I would say it actually made us stronger, because we were forced to work things our or walk away from each other. Now we are getting Married in April! And we are inviting my ex’s family hah.
Sooz,
I totally agree about the grieving. There was no order for me, it would sometimes be more than one stage at once, or one during one moment and one the next. It’s just more complex than “stage 1. stage 2.”
I feel like it made me stronger with my new boyfriend as well, considering this bf ending up becoming my husband!
Thanks for sharing, my heart goes out to you. And congrats on the wedding!
<3
I have actually had three exes die – all within three years. Two boyfriends, one girlfriend. Each of them were well after our relationships ended, and we were amicable again.. But I can’t help but actively LOOK for missing pieces and “what I could have done”s. It’s pure torture, so I’ve eliminated that thought process, but it’s still hard to think that someone you loved so tenderly and honestly, someone who you let inside your body, mind and heart – is gone forever.
Such a strange phenomenon.
Thanks for this post.
Hi Rabbit
Thanks for the response. I did write an eulogy at the request of his sister for the funeral. I think I will need to have a ceremony just for myself though.
Thank you for this. I lost an ex (my first love, no less) years ago and always felt like I was marooned in my grief — without a clear tie to him anymore I struggled to explain my emotions to others and felt like there was no one out there who knew what I was going through. It didn’t help that I was abroad when I found out (I had actually left the night he died) and couldn’t make it back for several months. When I did return, and was around the same people again, it was like the process started over again. And then there were the times, months and years later, when the grief would spill over when I least expected it…
I’m at a point now where I don’t think of him as often as I used to — but every now and then I still do. It’s a sweeter feeling, though; I find that in happy times I’ll think of him and dedicate the moment to him. I wish the same for you and for anyone else who has experienced such a loss.
Thank you so much for putting this up! I’ve been going through hell and back the last few days. My Ex passed away (it’ll be a week tomorrow) and everything you addressed is EXACTLY what I’m going through! You have given me comfort in that the way I have been processing his death is in a healthy manner – and I had alot of concern about that. Thank you!
One Trackback
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Rachel Rabbit White, Rachel Rabbit White. Rachel Rabbit White said: A Guide to Processing Past Relationships: My Ex Died | Picking up the Pieces: http://rabbitwrite.com/my-ex-died-picking-up-the-pieces/ [...]