Gordon Ball photo
It was a lazy morning in bed, during the time Ned and I were first dating. “I think this would fit you” he said–and produced a red satin dress from his closet. In the mirror, I admired the low back, it was fitted exactly to my body. But where did this magic gift come from?
“It was mine” he said.
When Ned was coming out as bisexual, he was going to Rocky Horror midnight shows and (apparently) wearing backless dresses to parties at Northwestern. Downtown, I was in tight jeans and Nikes. I stood in front of my bathroom mirror and cut my hair, long strands falling into the sink. I saved tiny clippings, to later make a mustache and beard with spirit gum–y’know for fun.
What no one told me about questioning your sexuality was this: Questioning your sexuality quickly becomes questioning your gender-role. What does it mean to be a girl or a boy? What am I comfortable in? What does this role mean?
Bisexuality is a bit confused about it’s gender roles. When you come out as bisexual, there aren’t set rules and ideas. There isn’t a bookstore or a rich history in place. It takes figuring out what bisexual means for you. I felt confused about liking girls and being girly. I felt guilty about being femme.
I’m not the only one. There is a whole queer movement about digging into femme-guilt and reclaiming the lipstick label. Recently, a discussion on just who can be femme was lit up . It was argued whether or not straight girls or men could identify as femme, a label that is often about queer visibility.
But, it is not just queer or bi women who face femme-guilt. It is ubiquitous in our culture, the idea that we should roll our eyes at those who like “girly” things, that it is somehow better to be “one of the guys”. That girl culture and “women’s issues” are silly and unimportant. And like the Female Chauvinist Pigs quote going around says, rolling your eyes at girls for being girly is sexist.
And it’s not just queer or bi women who feel uncomfortable with their gender-role. Blindly adhering to any sex or gender role without exploring the personal why’s or the history behind it would feel limiting for anyone.
So how do you do begin to figure out what sort of gender role fits? Well, when you were three, did you inherently feel like a girl or boy? I sort of felt I could be a boy or a girl… or a firetruck. And I still sort of do. But around then, I remember talking with my pre-teen girl neighbors. I crossed my legs and sighed “oh, such silky-smooth legs” like a razor-blade commercial. I was putting on the “girl role”. And that meant something specific, it was a feeling an energy. What is that energy for you, and where did you get those ideas?
Tap into how you feel like not like your gender-role. Gender-fuck. Dress up as the opposite of how you identify. For youself, for a lover, for curiosity. Knowing what you like means knowing what the flipside too. I own being femme, but not at the expense of my butch-ness.
Whether or not you question your sexuality, there is value in questioning your gender role. Because gender roles are really sex roles. The problem is we are bred into these roles before we even understand what sex means. And so, a lot of us don’t question these plastic-y boxes we sit in, that “feminine” or “masculine” role can remain unconscious. But a liberated sexuality is a conscious sexuality.
Gender is fluid, the way you identify may change over time. But sexual freedom comes from knowing the gender spectrum already inside of you. Know and own your gender-role, don’t just fall into it.
19 Comments
It was weird- after coming out as bi, I felt strangely masculine when I would talk about girls to my friends. I didn’t like it- it was like un- growing up. I remember the pride that I felt when I had my first boyfriend. I thought to myself how lucky I was, how my life was just like some high school movie that ends with the girl getting kissed at the prom. When I started to acknowledge that I liked girls, I began to relate more and to the boys in movies and on TV. It scared me, losing touch with the female stereotypes I had wanted to be for my whole life, but I started watching The L Word, Skins, old Alex and Paige episodes of Degrassi… it helped. I saw girls, feminine girls like me, falling in love with other girls. I don’t know why I feel more comfortable about my bisexuality, being able to relate with fictional characters, but I think it helps me realize that I’m not all that different or weird, and that I’m not alone.
For me, it never occurred to me to be straight. I always found both men and women attractive. I was and still am a bit of a tom boy. I don’t really know how to be girly. I know that I’m female and the idea of being male hasn’t really ever appealed to me, except as the if I had a real penis for a day kind of a thing, so I know that transitioning isn’t the right path. I just don’t know what my gender identity is.
I’m 30yrs old and I still feel like a teenager in my own head. I have a hard time believing that I’m doing these things, having these very grown up responsibilities, and living this life. It feels kind of dream like and one of the things that constantly gets to me is the fact that I don’t feel like I’ve figured out how to really be comfortable in my own skin. Should I be more girly? Should I be more butch? These are the questions that go through my head on a regular basis…
Jill, I love this observation. I find this true as well. Even when I am with women sexually, I go into this more “male” part, I become more “toppy” with women. For me, it’s been hard to find a balance in talking ABOUT women to women too, because of that male persona/ sex role I feel sorta like a creep! I agree it’s empowering to see girls who like girls and remain feminine, to add to your list there is Dr. Remy Thirteen from House
Angelina Jolie IRL and in Foxfire and Gia… Anna Paquin, Portia de Rossi. I do think having characters and faces to identify with helps.
Jen, your story is interesting to me. I relate to that questioning: “should I be more butch more femme?” It seems silly to admit how much grief and worry this question has caused me, but it’s true. What I go back to with your comment is the idea that we can choose these gender/sex roles, that they are things we can slip in and out of. So maybe where most of us really are is somewhere in the middle. I like the idea of owning where you are–even if it doesn’t fit nicely into a little box.
oi. wow .
thank you – sooo much for more “food for my thoughts” with your blog
“femme guilt” ?! no. why ?
and as long/ as soon as I am aware of myself = my self-conscious fluidity – how do I define myself ?
and how will “others” see/interpret me ?
** sigh. how much easier to be androcentric and heteronormative **
not “my world” either.
my2cents : I want to be who I am. and that may/can change/be fluid. rare ? yes. diffucult ? yes. complex ? yes.
playful ? yes.
do I find partners for my willingness “to be complex yet fully present in this moment” as a “sex´positive-feminist” ?!
no
do I resent others who “put me into a box” ?
yes.
is this outside “the mainstream”?
yes
my conclusion : I am rather alone/by-myself and practice “sex-for-one” (a la Dodson & Ross e.a.) than some PIV-man.
my encouragement, if I may : please do and be who YOU feel yourself to be.
yes, I do find it demanding.
“Labelling is disabelling” aka applied psychology
and what helps/inspires/keep me going :
“I define my sex, gender, body.
You define yours.”
(adapted from the sexgenderbody.com-blog)
XO
Angelika, I find your naming who you are and what you want inspiring! (Without labeling, of course, very freeing.) Though I think you can be you and name these things without HAVING to only have sex for one–though sex for one is fantastic!
I live in Canada. The city I grew up was winter wasteland cold very cold. When young I played hockey I did not frequently play with dolls but I did occasionally. I loved dress-up. As much as I could I dress up. I knew then boys were sexy not know meaning sexy I did frequently play with boys wanting boys to like me. I played with girls but only kitchen play even using make-up. Boys were my world Having a penis as a boy to right now I cannot deny my identity being woman. My numerous dresses, skirts while gender fucking men relationships. I will not deny my identity
I like to refer to myself as “so straight it’s kind of disgusting” (although the fact that I’ve always had a thing for queer men might refute that), and I could say the same thing for my gender orientation. I was an incredibly girly kid, and I am still perfectly comfortable being as boringly feminine as they come. I’ve thought about this recently, about whether or not it’s a bad thing to conform so thoroughly. I wonder if I have an obligation as a feminist and a queer ally to be more subversive, and after listening to Kate Bornstein talk recently I felt convinced that this was the case. At this very moment, however, I am less sure; I don’t think there’s much value in subversion for its own sake, and I’m a firm believer, as someone who is also sexually submissive, that just because society has completely shaped an aspect of ourselves doesn’t mean it is either fake or wrong.
Thank you for this post- it’s definitely something I’d like to ponder more.
oh thank you Rachel
as I said, I find your blog MOST inspiring and “food for my thoughts” in my quest/life/live-along each day.
coming out ? no-prob for me.
All-Prob for others who judge me without-knowing-me.
meh ;(
re your … “without HAVING to only have sex for one”
lolz as in “I-am-a-magical-realist-and-hope-dies-last …
meh as in “I-am-aware-of-where-I-live-and how-people-are …
e.g. :
problem : I have different “gender roles” depending on where I am and what I do AND how “others” perceive me (aka its their problem) – public life ?!
I also have different “gender-roles” depending on how I feel and who I feel attracted to (aka psycho-projection) – private life ?!
confusing ? yes
does it have to confuse You (or me) ? NO
btw, I think/meta-analyse this = “sex-style” e.a. does indeed intertwine with socalled HSP and other personality-styles (e.g. MBTI)
XO
Lori,
lol, I love the so straight its disgusting thing. You bring up a lot of super super interesting topics. I agree with you that there isn’t much in subversion for subversion’s sake, isn’t that just becoming a blind slave to another institution?
I think that being a queer ally and a feminist just means looking into the personal why’s and the greater cultural history. It means questioning, and with questioning we can choose what is ok for us.
I don’t think bringing a morality to it helps–you aren’t “wrong” for *not* questioning your gender role or for questioning and winding back up at high femme. Being High femme is never “wrong” even if it’s blindly adhered to, even if it’s a role that society and a problematic culture has shaped. It’s not a moral thing, but it is a personal what is okay for me thing. And a cultural how did we get where we are today thing…Even I am feeling confused by the points I am making here…if anyone else has ideas let me know.
I identify as a woman but at the same time… I feel androgynous. My gender performance is often androgynous. Although I love dresses and feminine clothing as well.
I wanted to be straight when I was a kid, because I had this idea that to not be would be “wrong”. I was probably just socialized that way, and when I first had short hair at age 14, it scared me because I would see a cute guy in the mirror sometimes, a cute guy I’d fall for… but an ugly girl if she were a girl. And I’d think about girls’ bodies (and I still do! I love female figures). I think about female figures more than male figures, or at least I notice them, and find them so beautiful. I love drawing them too. But I’ve never had an urge to explore sexually with any particular woman. It’s interesting.
I’m going to explore hair as an expression (or not) of femininity soon, I’d love if you would have your say about it too! Still musing on the project, though.
Sui, I can’t wait to read your piece on hair and femininity! Very cool idea. I’ve had both super short hair and super long hair–like I do now.
I find that the hair thing is often more of an issue for ourselves than it is anyone else. For instance, when I check a girl out if I am into her, she could have short hair, long hair, medium, whatever. I think you got it right when you said an expression of femininity, and also self expression.
Right now I find it tricky because I have long hair & I present femme but I also want to flag that I am kinda masculine and that I like the ladies. So I have to figure out ways to butch myself up a little in my outfits, I’ve been shunning skirts and opting for shorts and tights, blazers and ties. When I had short hair it was tight dresses and skirts all the way, so it’s interesting, sexually.
Bisexuality, and my process of owning it, letting it be a part of who I am, has felt like a minefield pocked with other people’s ideals.
I am femme, a natural (long-haired) redhead, and flirtatious to a fault. I own who I am. But every time I say it out loud: “I am bisexual.” I brace myself for disbelief or judgment. I joke about how I can’t catch a break. Too straight for some, not queer enough for others.
I refuse to engage in the speech of womyn’s studies majors – that self-important talk that rarely appears in real life past age 30. Rejecting pronouns, talking about being trans/genderqueer, heteronormativity, etc. I am who the fuck I am.
When I came out to my mother, my biggest champion, she said it was a phase.
When I had a relationship with a beautiful blonde woman, no one could believe it. We were just so femme together, the both of us. You couldn’t possibly be doing it?
Oh yeah we did.
I’ve had many conversations about this over the years, with friends and strangers. And I’ve found that my bisexual female friends who trend femme rarely discuss their sexuality, or at least that part of it. My bisexual friends who present a little more butch keep it in the open. It’s like two sides of a defensive coin. Defensive for different reasons, I imagine.
Women make my heart skip a beat more often than men, my head turning to look. I wouldn’t give up this part of my myself for anything. But it’s not easy.
Leigh,
Your comment about the bisexual journey being filled with landmines reminds me of another bisexual phenomenon–the fact that when SOMEONE ELSE says they are bi, even us bi’s cast doubt! Because we are so used to having to “prove” ourselves or whatever.
Love your comment
This whole discussion is really interesting, and actually happens to be bang on a conversation I had over lunch with my business partners. One was saying how she remembered at school that being called a “girlie girl” was practically derogatory, but she didn’t care because she loves being girlie. And her twin sister agreed, although she is slightly more relaxed about it.
I, on the other hand, was voicing my annoyance at having been called ‘girlie’ by my boyfriend. I can be quite femme; I tend to slip from one to the other pretty easily, depending on what I’m doing, or what time of year it is, or who I’m hanging out with. But being called girlie annoyed me because I felt it pigeonholed me. I am neither femme nor a tomboy, and I am both, and I don’t have to identify as either. Provided I’m content.
When I was three I was playing with trucks and cars, and when I was seven I wanted to be a ballerina, and when I was thirteen I was listening to Nirvana and Led Zeppelin.. etc.
After being called ‘girlie’ I did give it some thought; since I am happily girlie 50% of the time, why did it annoy me so much? If he meant girlie like my business partner is girlie, well that was just fine! BUT, in my life the stereotypical girlie girls, the ones I feared he was comparing me to, are my other friends, a pair of girls – another set of twins actually – who are literally so consumed by their appearance and their femme-ness, that they don’t know who the Prime Minister is. But they get away with it because they’re pretty and sweet. I love them both dearly, but their ignorance scares me, and I am very aware that it is forgiven because they’re so pretty and they’re so femme. They actively play the part of the bimbos because it’s cute.
One final point (and then I promise to stop); the line in that quote that says “declaring yourself a ‘tomboy’ who gets along better with men because women are silly or pretty or whatever – these are expressions of internalised sexism” SERIOUSLY pissed me off. I know girls who ARE silly and pretty, but not in a derogatory flippant way; in a real, fun, amazing, bubbly-people way. I know girls who embrace the chance to be called silly and pretty. And I myself saying that I’m someone who gets on better with men because they aren’t those things is not an expression of internalised sexism; it’s simply a sign that I know who I am.
LGS, I think you make a great point about that. In gurrrl culture we are often expected to act dumb. Back in highschool I knew hanging out with my friends that if I said something with just an ounce too much brain, my friends would look at me like I was smoking my cigarette backwards. It was not okay. THIS IS SOMETHING TO BUCK AGAINST! <3 <3
Ok, I just came out as being bisexual. It felt good to finally say, after i told my best friend she definitley accepted me and said she thought it was coming haha. Thing is, I am very athletic and dont think i am a femme. I am attracted to the… i guess, “butch” type girls a whole lot. but i myself am not femme, I think im leaning more into going into the butch/male role. Is that odd that im attracted to the butch girls while i am one myself?
Help ! (:
Hi CC, Actually, that is totally normal
and privately in my head pretty hot and cool. Lotsa butchie girls date other butchie girls–and lotsa femmes date other femmes. In fact a friend just told me today how she and her girlfriend got married each wearing tuxes–and looking damn good together! The only problem is there is a visibility issue in the culture, in the media. What you want is valid but we never get this image!
And for the record, I’ve been wondering about this myself lately…when I was more butch I liked more butchie girls, now that I’ve embraced high femme, I’m drawn to femmes. I think the lesson is that it’s fluid.
Congrats on coming out! Kisses.
thank you so much!
one more quick thing… well my story is i saw this one girl play soccer. she plays for a college soccer team- she is a butch lesbian and when i saw her i felt attracted to her and like i wanted to be her, be friends with her, be with her ( i saw her several times every few months) i even dreamed about her, coming out to her telling her i was bi and basically that i wanted to be with her. i feel this way in real life and want to be with her, problem is i dont know her as sad as that sounds. i dont know where i can meet her or girls like this in general. any advice? i know this sounds kind of strange but i just want to know of some advice or help/ similar stories? thank you for the quick reply to my other comment!
Generally in a big city you will find more out girls, unsure how old you are but usually at college/in your twenties you will find more out girls, there are out girls all over queer forums/blogs/sites–try After Ellen or maybe a queer dating site. Go the the Pride events in the closest city to you, pick up the gay newspaper, join any gay-straight alliance programs at your school, and simply trust your gut when meeting people. You will do great.
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