Dear Rabbit,
I’ve recently read your article Confessions of a Teenage Bisexual. But if same-sex attraction didn’t happen naturally growing up, could you just “suddenly” become bisexual? I was straight like an arrow growing up. I always admired women but never went to the extent of being sexually attracted with them — and those that I admired were celebrities.
Now I find myself sexually fantasizing about this model/actress to the extent of a loving and strong romantic relationship with her. I’m not a fan but I just saw her and liked her. These fantasies are so strong that it makes me question whether I could be a bisexual and just didn’t know about it. Is there such thing as being bi-curious when I’m already in my 30s? My basis may be shallow but for a self-identified straight woman having these feelings is really confusing.
–Baby Bi Bi Bi
Dear BBBB,
This week was National Coming Out week. I tweeted, excitedly,that coming out as bisexual was one of the best things I’ve done for myself and my sexuality. I saw some people come out that day–apparently there were a bunch of straight allies left in the closet. Straight-allies are LGBTQ angels, but I could have sworn I knew a bunch of questioning bisexuals.
At the heart of your inquiry is that questioning: are you bisexual? That answer can only come from you, love. What I can say is that sexuality is a spectrum. That means bisexuality is attraction to both sexes but doesn’t necessarily mean equal attraction. That also means it’s normal for anyone to sometimes fantasize about the same sex. And on the spectrum, we can shift over time–sudden awareness of bisexuality can happen. And is probably common.
It’s rad that you are open to questioning, especially in your 30′s with a “set” sexuality. But I know it is really scary thing to ponder, and my heart grows for you.
My question for you is, what would it mean if you were bisexual?
When I was in high school my mom cooked dinner every night. She put on classical music and discouraged fast eating by fostering conversation, the air pierced with her fork, lettuce dangling. Often, conversation erupted. I shouted about gay rights while my Dad swilled wine arguing that homosexuality was wrong.
Online, I wondered about my bisexuality. I was questioning…but what would it have meant if I were bi? The message was loud, clear and homophobic. I would be weird– wrong. I’d be unaccepted and that means unloved.
Some argue there is no “bisexual”– or need for labels at all– just “fluidity”. Often there is no need to come out as bisexual, unless you are in a serious same sex relationship, so this solution is tempting.
When I came out there was no one waiting with a bouquet rainbow balloons in congratulations. There was just– silence.
Gay people gained rights and respect when they started coming out. To not come out furthers ignorance around bisexuality, it makes it okay for people to say we don’t exist or are just confused. Not coming out causes bisexual erasure.
My second question is: what would it mean if you came out? For me, it meant: “I accept you. I accept you as you are.” But the reverberations of my Dad’s fist on the dinner table echo. Bisexuality is a process of coming out over and over again, because you are bisexual all of the time, no matter what gender your partner is. I still struggle with feeling bad or weird, but each time the internal message of “I accept you” rings a little louder, a little more true.
If you feel sexually or emotionally attracted to both genders, repeatedly, it is a good sign you are bisexual. But the only way to find out is to question and explore. “Bisexual” is just an orientation, a word you use to help figure yourself out. It is a way to re-gain independence and permission to be yourself. You can’t choose to be bisexual but you can choose to explore and come out. And I am here to accept you, purple welcome wagon, glitter confetti and all.
5 Comments
I think this can be especially confusing for women- we spend our lives looking at images of women in magazines, on tv, being glorified, objectified, and everything else. For some, I think it can be confusing— do I like her, or do I want to be like her? Am I turned on because of her, or because I understand how I’m supposed to read the image of her? Because I want to be looked at the way she is? Because I like having the power to look?
I don’t know that this phenomenon actively encourages bisexuality (though it may encourage feelings of eroticism) but nevertheless I think it adds to the confusion that some women feel. But either way, your point is really appreciated- that exploration and acceptance are the important things.
Thank you for at least attempting to respond to this question.
I am a 21-year-old girl who has only ever been with guys, and has in fact only had one serious (3-year) relationship, also with a guy. For years, I have found that I find women much more physically attractive than men, but don’t actually know whether this attraction goes any further. I’ve never really had the opportunity to find out, as I have never been approached by a woman in the way that I have been approached by men, or really encountered a woman who seemed like a potential match. I definitely DO like being with men, though, so I know it’s not an either/or situation.
I’ve considered going to my university’s LGBTQ center as a way to become more involved in the community, but I am aware that bisexuality is kind of the black sheep in that family, which intimidates me a little bit. Also, as I like women for their femininity, most of the gay women that I have met have not been attractive to me, due to their choice to be more butch. I heartily applaud their choice of self-expression, I just don’t think that it works for me, and that too makes me feel that it could be more difficult to really find out what I feel.
Sorry about the over-sharing, but this is something that has been on my mind a lot recently. I don’t know if you have any advice for me, beyond the usual “you’ll find out when you find out, because it all depends” sort of thing, but I thought I would ask anyhow. I really appreciate your website – I think you often doesn’t realize how much you want to hear someone else talk about certain things until you come across someone who actually talks about them.
It’s interesting – I’m definitely one of those anti-label people. And part of it is probably me taking the easy way out. Of course, if my sexual preferences come up, I feel no need to lie to people. It just doesn’t usually though, since I’ve been in a heterosexual relationship for three years. I guess, to answer your question, “what would it mean to come out” – it wouldn’t really mean much. It wouldn’t change anything in my life.
I guess I’m more Anderson Cooper than Ellen Degeneres – more power to those that actively come out and wave flags at pride parades – that’s brave, and I know that it means a lot to a lot of people. But my sexuality is not necessarily something people need to know about to know who I am.
Lisa,
YES. When we are taught to see through the male gaze, to sexualize women ourselves it not only becomes confusing, but our sexuality can get erased. There isn’t a lot of straight female lust that we see/allow in society, at best women expected to jump on gay male lust (those birthday cards they sell at joke stores of like, beefcake construction workers come to mind) but I would argue that straight female lust probably looks pretty different from that!
Masha,
My heart really goes out to you. Even after I “came out” I was terrified of actually hitting on women, or going to a gay bar. It is realy scary to explore. I think we aren’t encouraged to own our sexuality and lust as women, but you are right, there is this sense of being alone and out. The thing is you are already questioning, you are already doing the work–no matter where you end up. And it is a long path, I don’t think taking on a marginalized orientation happens over night. But, just know that there is support for bi’s, it might be hard to find but I swear, it’s right here
Marissa,
I love that you posted this! When I ask “what would it mean if you came out” I guess I imagine more of the emotional ripples rather than the day-to-day what would happen. And you also bring up a really interesting point here. Do people need to know what goes on behind bedrooms doors? Is the personal political, in the sexual arena? I think there are solid arguments for both sides.
I hate it when people say “You’re not a *real* bisexual unless you are emotionally and physically attracted to males and females EQUALLY. All those other girls are just party animals that are ruining it for the rest of us.” I’m in high school and I’ve never been involved with *anyone* for more than a couple weeks and when people say things like that it just makes me feel confused and depressed. This is who I am- and I wish people would stop saying “It’s just a phase” or “Make up your mind!”
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