Dear Rabbit,

I’ve been married for 3 1/2 years.  I adore my husband, but our sex life has dwindled immensely.  I think part of this is a product of day-to-day married life, but I also feel that a large part of it has to do with my own sexuality.  Before we married, I slept with men and women. Sex with my husband was so exciting at first  that I didn’t think I’d need to be with anyone else ever again, but as time has passed I find that I really miss the variety of different partners and excitement of being with women.

I’ve also realized I don’t wholly feel at ease with monogamy itself, something I’d never considered before, possibly because my previous relationships never lasted much more than a year at a time.

I’ve raised the idea of threesomes and/or possibly opening up the relationship in some way with my husband, but he’s against it. In fact, he seems turned off by the fact that I’ve been with women, which makes me feel bad about a part of my sexuality that I was, before marriage, completely accepting of.  I feel confined sexually within my marriage, like I can’t be myself any longer, like I’m possibly kinkier than my husband, like we’re on different sexual pages overall. On the other hand, I feel as though I’m married now and should give up the wilder parts of my sex life, especially because I’m with a wonderful man who supports me in every way possible.

-Rebecca

Darling Rebecca,

When you and your partner are on different pages, there is only meeting half way. And from half-way you can go some way.  I don’t buy that adage that marriage is about sacrifice. Marriage is not about giving anything up, but rather finding a middle-place from which you can embark on your dreams together. This is is true, even when it comes to sex.

I think what you are asking is how to open up this conversation in a way that your husband can hear you. This is a really hard conversation to have,  I worked on having it myself for months.

I remember the moment when the idea of non-monogamy first came up. It was like date three, Ned and I were tipsy and it came up that we were both bisexual. “We can still do things with the same sex, have a little fun” he said. I could feel my eyes light up. But after I drunkenly made out with a friend, he wasn’t so enthused. And so, I bowed to him. After-all I wasn’t sure I wanted non-monogamy, I was just interested in having the option. But more than anything then,  I wanted to be with him.

Non-monogamy isn’t about sharing your partner–as though your partner is a new toy, some blow up doll.  Instead it is about exploring your sexuality together. Embarking on an adventure.

And eventually, I found my voice in saying this to my partner.  Being 3 ½ years into your relationship, I imagine you are finding yours too, it shows in bringing the topic up, especially when it’s something he is opposed to. You are growing.

Attraction to other people is natural, especially after  the honeymoon-hormones fade. Being honest about outside attraction can be healthy, as can acting on it. But I think it is important to dig deeper.  What is that fantasy of being with other people about? Why now? Exploring the psychological why doesn’t mean  acting on it is any less valid. But brings more intention, integrity.

The question I batted around was: Is it that no one person can fulfill me–because these are things I need to get from myself? Or is it that, no one person can fulfill me, because no one person is enough. It seems to be  both. I need that fulfillment from myself, but maybe it will take more than one person to help me get there.

You say your husband is supportive of you. If you can address this issue in an empathic way, while staying strong in your needs , you will go far. The way you present it matters: from a place of knowing and self assurance, rather than looking for validation. Tell, don’t ask. But see it from his side. Listen to his view, his fears (without being defensive or supplying counter-points.) Ask clarify-ing questions: mirror what he says and the emotions he  shows: “When I brought it up, you were reminded of X and this made you feel scared?”

Ned and I were in a long car ride, listening to Sex at Dawn on audio. I paused the narrator’s voice, the sound of windshield wipers now between us. I breathed my self a little bigger. “I know we’ve talked about this in the past, and it’s not been pretty. But I feel I need non monogamy to be an option, for at some point. And I want to know where you are coming from.” We found a lot of our fears were similar, and we were each able to bend a little.

If husband is still opposed,  I suggest telling  him this is something you’ll still be exploring– not in a threatening way, not in cheating. But in reading, talking  and exploring fantasies. That you hope at some point, he’ll join you. Read The Ethical Slut Get excited when talking to him about what you are discovering.

For Ned and I this talk opened the door to dipping our toes into non monogamy. We are taking it slow but every baby-step has blown my mind–things I had no idea would turn me on,  what I am open to and how much stronger I feel in our relationship. Although the door is open, it doesn’t mean we can’t go back, monogamy and non-monogamy are fluid.

**BONUS** Advice from some people with more experience than me:

The ever-interesting and poly-amorous Kendra of The Beautiful Kind: I have been with many men who were glad to have me all to themselves and felt threatened by others. This is treating a woman like property and society teaches men that. She needs to be patient with her husband and give him time to process a different way of thinking about relationships. Some people can get used to the concept of non-monogamy and some can’t. She should take it in baby steps. Read Opening Up and Sex at Dawn.

She should not shut herself down now that she is married. That is killing part of herself and will lead to resentment and sexual atrophy.  Why is it ok in our society to enjoy a variety of foods, movies, have more than one kid, travel to different places, but we insist on only one sex partner? It makes no sense. We crave new experiences, new stimulation, and it only makes sense that we appreciate that in sex as well.

And from the swinger-world–Swinger Podcast, Life on the Swingset: If you cannot be monogamous, and are firmly set on doing everything you can to keep this marriage together, you have an upward climb ahead of you. The keys to this kingdom lie in making it very clear that your sexual desires and interests in no way belittle your sexual desire for him. That you wanting to be with others is not because he’s not enough for you, it’s because you’re not built that way. Especially if your bisexuality is part of this.

Where are you with monogamy or non-monogamy? Have a question about it? Some advice or stories to share?