Rabbit,

Over the past several years I have come to realize that I am sexually attracted to women as well as men, though most of my life I have considered myself a heterosexual woman. However, I have been married to a wonderful man for five years and have not been able to adequately explore that facet of my sexuality. My husband is aware of my attraction to women, is fine with it for the most part, as long as I don’t act on it… which I have come to terms with and have been moving forward with life generally content with the current situation. Then I read some posts about National Coming Out Day; in particular, yours. All of the sudden I realized that while my husband and friends know I am attracted to women, I have never “come out” as bisexual. My family knows nothing about it. It’s not like I’m keeping secrets… I’m married to a man and I am not, nor will I have in the forseeable future, having any type of relations with women.

So my question is, what is my social responsibility here? While I am happy hiding in the shadows of my life situation, am I failing to support others who are having a more difficult time? Am I doing a disservice to myself be being only half-truthful with certain people, or is it fair to want to protect myself from “needless” criticism and confusion? My husband has been OK with knowing I am attracted to women, but might it create real problems in an otherwise very healthy relationship if he now has to be married to a bisexual woman? I would truly appreciate your thoughts on this. Thanks!

-K

Dear K,

You’ve already gone through the biggest and hardest part of coming out– coming out to yourself. Congrats from the deepest parts of my heart with utmost respect.

So, what you are facing is a truth of bisexuality. A lot of us are bisexual, but are in monogamous relationships– even monogamous “hetero” marriages. This truth has been used as a way to demean bisexuals, the assertion that we always “end up” with men. Of course our sexuality doesn’t change with the relationship we are in. But further, bisexuality has less to do with going out and banging a lot of ladies, and more to do with your relationship to yourself and your sexuality.

You can explore bisexuality within your marriage. You can join groups and explore the community. You can notice how you feel toward women, sexually or not. You can explore it psychologically or emotionally by writing or communicating about your bisexuality. If it weren’t for writing about my bisexuality, I don’t think I would have ever processed all those nights I fought with my Dad at the dinner table about gay rights. And how those anti-gay messages would ripple out through my adulthood, effecting how I felt about my sexuality and how I displayed it. Sexuality is a personal journey, and a lot of it goes on outside of the bedroom.

But there is also room to explore bisexuality in your marriage, sexually. This might be through pornography, fantasy or role playing. My husband and I are both bisexual and currently monogamous. We’ve each found ways to explore our bisexuality together. It can be something as simple as positions and ways to get off– having “lesbian sex” as I call it, rather than penetrative sex. Or it can be something as specific as having my partner dress in full drag. He’s a pretty boy and in red lighting, hey, it works for me.

But part of exploring is coming out to people–which just means talking with people about your bisexuality. The biggest reason I feel so secure in my bisexuality is not that I’ve had sex with women, but that I’ve talked with a lot of people about bisexuality.

But, you can choose who you come out to. There are multiple levels of coming out. For instance, I probably would never come in a work setting unless I felt there was a really pressing reason to do so. Another way to look at it is: once you are out, it means you are open about your sexuality and don’t hide it, but you can choose when and with whom to talk about it.

But you hit on an interesting argument: Do we have some sort of moral obligation as people in the queer umbrella to come out? We know from the gay rights movement that as people of suppressed sexualities come out they gain more respect, more rights, more acceptance. This fights ignorance and discrimination. But as bisexual people (in hetero pairings) do we need to come out for a larger positive gain if it means being uncomfortable in the now? I think it is certainly something for all of us to weigh. But it is also the task of an activist. And unless you want to be an activist for your sexuality, there is no reason to put yourself in harm or criticism.

But all bisexuals should consider the “relationship to yourself”, which is about a balance of  healthy boundaries and honesty. So, it might be more honest to come out to a bigoted family member or co-worker, but what also needs weighed is: am I honoring my own boundaries by doing this, am I taking care of myself? Ideally it is about finding a way to do both.

I do think there is a unique value in us bisexual-women-in-monogamous-relationships coming out.  Because from what I gather, there are a lot of us, and our sexualities do not change just because we are married to men. I think it’s important that we come out, find each other and have the dialogue about being married women who are bisexual and the unique challenges that brings up.

Coming out is just a tool for personal growth. It’s about figuring out how to make it work for you.