photo: crystin moritz
The fuck buddy system is broken. No scratch that, it never really worked to begin with. I can get behind one night stands and promiscuity, I believe in polyamory and swinging– but fuck buddies, I just can’t. I am anti fuck-buddy.
I recently had a reader ask for insight on a fuck-buddy situation: “He’d never initiate contact but then would respond to my emails and then invite me over. Even when I know we had an awesome time together aside from the sex, he doesn’t acknowledge me. I know this is toxic for me and I want to get my mind off of him and move on.”
For those who have been down a similar dismal path, this is classic fuck-buddy. Ugh, okay here is the thing: the fuck buddy system is just a relationship without communication. Which will never work. Either you start talking and it becomes one (whether monogamous or non) or you don’t and stay in limbo.
It’s a cliche, but in any fuck-buddy situation one person will inevitably develop “special feelings.” I was once that person. Even though I barely saw him, L was always on my mind. It grew into an obsession. Every was calculated and it seemed his was too, but he was winning. It was a constant game of one-upping each other. And even though our sex seemed telepathic and when we danced it was like moving on clouds… without talking, the relationship was just in my head.
Classic fuck buddy is this: One person plays the icy, unavailable or uninterested role while the other compensates with warmth, thinly veiled in a similar ice. Would a fuck-buddy situation work if both parties were actually cold and detached? It seems that would result in “eh I could fuck you but I’d rather just lay on this couch and stare.”
In my life, this game has been destructive.
To the reader, my advice would be: take a step back and look at this relationship, what buttons it pushed, why you stayed there then get to moving on. Or, alternatively open up, communicate about you feel and see where it goes. Just a simple “hey I am uncomfortable with this whole thang goin’ on, and THIS is how I feel. I feel X toward you” is an excellent start.
And let us not forget, there are ways to have (real) no-strings-attached sex, when you want it:
When you are out and working parties/bars/Match.com: Some people might fall into the “possible future partner” category while others will be one-night-fucks. For the possible-lovies, save their number in your phone, make a date. Then take that hot-but-not -your-type one home for sexing. Do no save this number in your phone. Oh and be safe, of course.
Anonymous sex does not translate into continuous sex.. But, if you want it to start talking ’cause getting into that icy-hot guessing game is not known for pretty endings.
Point being: Reader you are not alone. I’ve been there, I tried playing icy back with cool and after a year of fucking 2 x a month, sparse text messages and “accidentally” bumping into one and other at clubs, I ended up with the biggest broken heart of my life. You’ve got my support in ending it and alternatively, my best wishes in talking-it-out.
What about you, readers? Ever find yourself in fuck-buddy-limbo? Do share the wisdom.
30 Comments
I do believe they can work because I have been in one for almost two years now. It may be because we have some communication we both realize that it will not last forever because we have different agendas when we are finished with school, he wants to stay and I plan on moving, though that has never been an actual conversation, just words that we have happen to say at different times. I do not think they are for everyone or can work for everyone, but for me it does work because I am able to have monogamous sex, which I prefer rather than several one night stands, and not get into a personal serious relationship where one, I hurt someone because I feel my goals are more important, i.e moving and they do not want to go with or two, I end up staying put and then later hate that person.
And besides the communication between the parties involved could be all I want is sex I am not looking for a serious relationship, we as sexual beings should have that choice. And more importantly when those words are spoken the other persons needs to understand that what was said is not going to change he/she may start dating someone but more than likely it will not be you
It’s a lot better than celibacy, unless you like celibacy better than sex. I don’t.
Heartbreak is not the end of the world. A FB should help us get through times when the partners are not ready for a relationship, but do not care for or have the ability to “do” serial encounters. At least FB’s have a rudimentary understanding and relationship with one another.
A consistent, but acknowledgedly impermanent sexual relationship beats the hell out of either casual encounters or celibacy.
I think the fuck buddy situation is one of the most difficult to deal with.. I consider myself promiscuous and can’t help thinking I SHOULD be able to handle the situation and have regular sex without getting involved, but there are often no lines drawn so it’s difficult to know how to act. Like, do you just have sex and then completely stop touching and act as friends, or afterward do you cuddle and act as if you’re dating even though you both know you aren’t? The first option can be cold and the second can be misleading.
I respect anyone who CAN get it right!
SPECIAL FEEEEEEEEELINGS! hahahah!
i was once in a situation where i was sleeping with a good friend of mine. we were really close friends, slept together a few times, then he developed special feelings for me and freaked out because dating him wasn’t anything i was interested in. i would have been been fine to go back to a platonic friendship, but he was not. and i lost a good friend.
sex changes things. i never thought that it would, but it does. and you’re right, if it’s a non-communicative situation all that can happen is a further breakdown. totally not worth it. one night stands, casual dating with sex, monogamy, open relationships, fine. but “friends with benefits”? who EXACTLY is benefiting?
Jim,
Yeah I still just go with “anonymous sex” but hey, I’m a romantic. I fall for people that I have brilliant sex with.
R,
Argh! Yes!! What are the RULES with fuckbuddies? Do you add them on social media, say hi when you see them out? Yeah, its hard. I also know the feeling like you should be able to thing. But just remember you’ve not evolved passed loving…and that is good.
Alle,
So glad you saw my special feelings reference! lol @ who is it benefiting, *sigh* so true. You are also SO right about sex changing things. I’ve had sex with more friends than I’d like to admit to…and every time things were never quite the same.
Yeah, good call. And — good for you, for being willing to call this out. I always say that “among consenting adults there is no ‘should’”, but although I’d never tell someone they “shouldn’t” have a fuckbuddy relationship, I think such a relationship makes it really hard to determine consent. Any relationship in which communication gets harder just seems like a Bad. Call. Period.
Thanks Clarisse! Yeah I see where you are coming from the with danger zones of advocating on should or should nots, which is why I think I love it when people take a nice strong stance, in this relativist-era it has become sort of rare.
Regardless, I respect your stance completely. Thanks so much for your insight!
They’re super hard! I’ve been in a FWB relationship for 4 years this year and we’ve had our ups and downs and survived everything. We see each other about once a week and go out for dinner, have amazing sex, get up to mischief and then he either stays at mine or I stay at his. It is misleading at times, we cuddle up to each other and sleep in each others arms but come the morning we go our separate ways. I’m the one who has developed ‘special feelings’ for him and he knows it, we’ve spoken about it but at the end of the day we just can’t stay away from each other and it always goes back to the same ritual I guess you could call it. It is soooo hard!!
I’m just getting out of a horrible fuck buddy situation. I ended up with feelings, and he didn’t. I don’t think our friendship is ruined… but it’s going to take time to get over, and I don’t think things will be the same between us again.
Having said that, in the past I had a fuck-buddy situation that worked. We rarely saw each other, and when we did it was pretty much only for sex. He was a nice enough guy but I wasn’t crazily attracted to him and we didn’t have much in common. For me, the only way it can work is if I don’t like the guy that much!
I am finding myself in this situation right now..and I 100 percent agree with author – its impossible situation, and at the end, its destructive for one of them or even both. For now, both of us are playing kind of cool…but I feel that there is a chance that he is not playing it, that he really is like that – having multiple friend/fuck buddies in his life every other day…and I am falling…or maybe my curiosity leads me to him, because of the new unexplored things.. How come all friend/fuck buddies are so gentles, don’t rush and want to kiss you for hours…? Will I ever be able to figure it out…how it works, and how to stay ‘cold’ for a long, long time….
I’ll start off with this. I feel like i’m sort of stuck in this situation right now. As if, closing my mind will make it all okay. As if holding off on emotions can work for a little bit, until he mentions something and its taken to heart instead of shrugged off. I already know I have those ‘feelings’. And i’ve already tried to talk. I didn’t get a clear answer, not a yes or a no. The most I got.. was ‘later when I am home”. He’s moving back home pretty soon, and we messed around when he was back on a break. A lot of me is saying, “Hey! STOP IT. You know he probably won’t end up wanting to date anyway, so why bother putting stock in those feelings?” And then the other side says, “We understood what we were when we did what we did. I have no right to try and push the boundaries if I can’t handle them anymore.” I keep getting the signs of a possible future though. It feels like a hook that sucks me back in even when I think i’m starting to recover. I remember saying, that I couldn’t handle another friends with benefits sort of thing. And I explained, that if I’m ever to be messing around with someone again after now, I’m going to be dating them. He’s aware that I like him, and he’s said that he likes me as well. But from there, when the idea of fooling around in the future comes up, I said how I couldn’t do it again. But he replied with telling me, that it’s ‘my way the next time, right?’ as if agreeing with it. But i don’t know what to do. Constantly asking myself to just ignore the feelings, and let them die down? Or.. just walk away completely?
So first, let me say THANK YOU to Rabbit White for bringing to light the ‘Fuck-Buddy System’. I’m in your debt for helping me to see ‘exactly’ what it is and that I was caught up in one!
Another thank you to all of you who shared your experiences, I know each of us is different, but deserves respect, no matter how different plus we all have our own take on what happens to us in life.
On to my story….Have I been living in the dark ages or what?
I must tell you I’m divorced 52 and recently met up with someone much younger than me (28). It’s only been a month, but the scenario is so similar to others I’ve read about….it started out with texting pictures which was fun and exciting…then we would meet up and by then be in anticipation mode, so the sex was great and very intense.
A week goes by and he sends me a text ‘free’? I wrote back yes for a drink….oh no he just got out of a long-term serious relationship don’t want to get serious. Ok, this is all new to me I’m thinking maybe we can just be frieds and still have great sex, NOT!
Needless to say, I’ve become attached, and he is still Mr. Icy. I have ended up felling used, but I think maybe I deceived myself. He was honest with me from the beginning about what he wanted. I found your website last night, and texted him to go find himself another Fuck Buddy! I was done! So thank you all again….I just have to make sure I stick to my guns, since I have a feeling he will probably try to continue to reach out to me….
Grateful,
M
This Fuck Buddy System completely depends on each personality involved…
I have had a few over the years and when things ended we were both fine with it. the ones that were friends first continued to be freinds, the ones that werent became freinds after..
But I never ever expected the turn out I got with my recent Fuck buddy. As hard as I tried to deny it, I fell in love… And things ended pretty badly. I am completely broken hearted now. The worst part is, that becaase of our situation we would have never been able to be anything more than what we were.
He told me he was forming feeling for me and was really into me, of course I kept myself from believing him because I did not want to admit I was falling too. because of this I led myself to believe he was toying with my mind and it was all a game and he kept trying to tell me how much he thought about me and cared for me…
Then I was informed he was gettin busy with some chick in his truck at a party we were at. and I flipped out. I made sure he saw me all over every single guy there and made sure he was jealous and hurt.. I completely ignored him the entire night and didnt even give him the time of day for a second.
And I dont even know if it was true… but I was successful at hurting him. and he wants nothing to do with me now…
I cant believe i let my self fall for him
I broke up with my x four years ago and very very rarely we have fuck buddie sex. The problem is we live 400k away from each other me in a small city him in the major state city. i have to travel there a lot for work and every time i come to town some major drama happens. i am no longer in love with him i just wanted casual sex but he is not a good fuck buddy he is only fucking me around. i am a highly achieved independent career woman. i make good money and am financial sound but my job rules my life. that is why we broke up. but i won’t give up my career which makes it very difficult to find time to socialize let alone meet a man. no i did not get any rewards when we seperated i had to pay him $60,000 at settlement. why do i continue to play this game.
well idk it may or may not work out , i’ve been in this situation almost 4years and im uderly in love with this guy sadly he doesnt relize it! and when hes with another girl talking or hanging out my jealousy radar goes off the mitor that i have to look away and pretend its not happening! he’s in love with someone else and sadly i have to deal with it! we both have a mate and we have sex with only each other, i love him so much it hurts but knowing now i cant get over him by going out with someone else !! its different for men and women , women feel more towards that person where men feel like its a natural think to do. I’ve tried giving him hints that i care for him alot but im deciding now im stopping with it im just gonna be w.e with it, and you know its sad cause out of alot of ppl i would be the only one their for him even in rough times, and told him i’ll help him out with anything just ask or when hes hurt ill rush to see if hes ok but im tired of it, its already unbearable to deal with already ! and maybe one day he’ll relize im the only girl that would care. its funny cause we started as friends in high school and dated , became a couple and broke up then started with f buddy
-_- and i’ve relized he never was serious about me. so im just going to change it and walk out of his life for good !
so to you out their runnn away from it ignore it say fuck it caus ein reality they’ll relize but it’ll already be too late
I want to say thank you for this article. It’s the first that describes perfectly what I’m going through right now. He is very icy and distant, non-communicative, etc., and I’ve somehow started to care about him. I want him to be well, I want to get to know him, and he can barely be bothered to reply to my texts.
This article fell on my lap at the right time, because I was about to take the icy route as well. Seeing how that worked for you, I guess I really should give talking it out a chance. The thing is, like I said, he doesn’t really reply to texts, and there is barely time in person to bring up something heavy like that. Should I make a point to do it in person or should I flood him with more texts?
Once again, major thanks.
Heather
hi!!! i just got myself out of a fuck buddy situation two days ago and i need help on how to proceed from now on. PLEASSSE do offer whatever advice you may have, since i very much agree with the majority of comments and in general contents of this page. ok so he’s a successful, good looking, charming and young guy that i have a lot of friends in common with but didnt really know him till last year. we accidentally ran into one another in may and went for a group night out 2 weeks later, and hooked up that night. i was flying away for the summer and didnt want to pursue it at all, he emailed me a few times over the summer to ask how and were i was and when i was coming back. i called him once back and he suggested that we go for a drink, and we were supposed to meet up at his place to go out. the minute he opens the door he acts all charming and trying to seduce me, which i palyful put off. this goes for 2 weeks and i eventually slept with him again. we are both out of town on weekdays and only meet up on weekends, and soon it turned into an every weekend typa thing, and i didnt hide the fact that i was looking forward to those weekends. the sexual chemsitry is incredible. so we kept having amazing mind blowing sex and getting on really well with one another, but never developed into a real relatinshpip. long story short, i got myself unwillingly into a fuck buddy situation. we have a lot of things in common, common background, common outlook on life, common interests, common life goals, etc. since it was getting me frustrated, i told him last weekend that i couldnt continue that anymore since i cared about him and couldnt have sex without emtional involvement anymore, and didnt wanna be frustrated and him being annoyed, and that i didnt see another solution than stopping to sleep with him. and walked out. he smsed me yesterday that he agreed with it, and that we should hang out in groups from now on since we know what happens when the two of us are alone, and that we should all party the next weeknd. i want a relationship with this guy. this much i know. and i know that he kinda respects me more now because of my decision. how should i get him to want to date me insetad of bang me again? should i hang out “as friends” and make him want me back, but not for just sex? or should i compeltely ignore him? pleeeassse help i really do believe this guy is worth every effort, of course not for the sexual chemistry but for a million other reasons that i just dont have space to explain here.
When I read this article, I literally starting tearing up. I am 18 and going through the exact situation except for the fact that this guy was my first and we only had sex once. Even if I was the one who initiated it with no intentions of making a big deal out of it and even if I had sex with other people I was actually dating at the time, I can’t let it go. This guy is the definition of cold but I thought better of him at the time.
Now when my friends talk about their sexual experience with their boyfriends it leaves me feeling bitter, angry and severely depressed. I try my hardest to not go to him anymore but it eats away at me. He won’t talk to me unless I do first. He won’t acknowlegde me unless I get him to. I even told him how I felt about him and all I got were excuses.
Honestly, I don’t know who to talk to because no one knows what to say never being in that kind of situation or they say it’s my own fault for letting it happen and that I should’ve known better. I feel like it’s destroying me a little bit each day.
It makes me relieved that I am not the only one going through this and doesn’t know what to do.
I’m in this situation right now. I said to myself I didn’t want a relationship but now I do want one with him. I think our sex is the best I’ve every had ( I think its because he’s the only guy that has made me orgasm since ever!) I feel that we have a lot in common and that we have a great time when we are together but other than that we go our separate ways and don’t talk to each other every single day. Now he’s in a relationship (though a long distance one). It still hurts to think that he’s in a relationship with this person and not with me. I want out but I don’t know how to get out. The sex is just so damn good. Plus I think he and his girlfriend are about to break up so who knows…..
I’ve had the F* Buddy situation a few times. Admittedly, it only worked well when we both gave the same amount of effort to connecting for sex, whether it be frequently or infrequently. Of course, I’ve fallen for someone that considered me just a F*buddy but I blame myself for not making it clear what I really wanted. Now, I’m 36 and can separate great sex from love; or Mr. Right from Mr. Right Now. I’m learning the difference between Mr. One Night versus a real F* Buddy. Some men don’t care to make the effort to have sex with you again and pursuing them doesn’t make them want you more, which seems to be the real goal of the F* Buddy system for women. We want to feel desireable AND we want the great sex – BOTH. But if a guy isn’t pursuing you, even just for sex, then you aren’t going to feel desireable and that is not satisfying. There are F*buddies that will want to have sex at least once a week and some will even want to have dinner or romantic nights with you as a build up to the great sex. Some men love “romance” and foreplay. These guys are the best F* Buddies. Other men just want to conquer and move on. These men are no fun. They don’t want to play. So don’t keep going to their playground.
My best advice is to never think the F* Buddy situation is going to last long. If you start feeling anxious, distracted, or obsessed with thoughts of him, then you know you have to let it go or have “the talk.” NEVER EVER let a F* Buddy situation go on longer than six months. You are probably frightened to death of real intimacy and the F* Buddy situation is a set up that shields you from reciprocal emotional intimacy while simulating the physical intimacy of a relationship. You will end up confused and broken hearted. Guys can manage that kind of psuedo-relationship for years but you deserve a real relationship.
Totally late to the party but completely dead on. I am 7 months into this situation and it sucks. At first, he liked me and I could care less. Well, that didn’t last. It reversed and I have built our trists into something they aren’t and have put him on an undeserved pedestal in my mind. What’s worse is I see him daily and we frequent the same circle. I have strong feelings for him and get to watch him act indifferent and talk to other girls. It sucks. I’m just trying to move on. Phone number was deleted and when I see him around, it gets easier.
I’m pretty sure I’m in one of those FB situations…which is completely new experience for me…part of me enjoys it, part of me is not sure if I really enjoy it!
It started from an ONS and now we are having sex quite frequently.
It’s been going on for 5 months and we agreed that we are exclusive (I do not sleep with anyone else and I hope he doesn’t either).I think he is not the guy that I am looking for, but…..how I can be sure of that if I do not really know him?! It is one of those no communication situations…It seems at times I do have feelings for him but then I think how can you develop feelings for someone you don’t know?! Is it even possible?….or have I got feelings for the person that I would like him to be and in reality he isn’t? I am willing to take the time to know him and check if he’s the one and even if he isn’t then I could be friends with him, but he keeps on saying that he does not want a relationship as he just ended one(4 years) and he’s broken hearted. For me process of getting to know someone does not equals being in the relationship. The problem with me is that I do not know if I want to be in a relationship with him and I do not have any chance to check it as he is not willing to give away much about him or find out more about me.
It’s a pretty f***** up situation. I am not sure why he does not even want to know me better….is it becouse he’s scared of getting attached or am I just not the one for him and he knows this already (I’m aware that we started wrong but we already had a discussion about that and he seemed to be understanding when I said it was an one off situation for me).
I think it is very difficult to “emotionally distance” yourself from the man you are sleeping with, maybe even impossible but I am willing to check it and also to give us a bit more time….
I’m 17 years old and in a very messy FB situation. This article and the comments have helped me so much. Thank you.
I just ended an FB relationship and I am trying to get over it. It was exciting because of the great sex, but it was also very confusing because outside of our sexual relationship I felt like I didn’t exist to him! Apparently it’s natural to build a bond with a sex partner because of chemicals that are released in your brain when you are having sex. I would try really hard not to get emotionally attached to my FB but the more we had sex the closer I felt to him even though we didn’t have a long history together. Later I learned that the reason why I was feeling close to him is because of the body’s natural way of bonding in order to reproduce!!!! Since neither him or I want to have a serious relationship, I figured this FB thing was not really going to work out. I would rather officially date someone then be with someone that is not all there for me. I know that I am going to have withdrawals from this guy because my body developed a bond towards him, but I have just been keeping busy so that I don’t think about him much. I go running, salsa dancing, listen to music, party and work. FB relationships are very tricky and I think that you have to be very emotionally detached in order to make them work. I easily get close to people and although sex can be very fantastically addictive in a FB relationship, it’s not worth the emotional and mental damage that it will most likely create. If you are currently in this kind of relationship, get out of it if your little voice inside is dying from the pain it’s causing you. Listen to yourself. I did. I am starting to feel relief. Life is too damn beautiful to be putting up with this kind of bullshit!
Peace to all of you with a broken heart!
This is a poem I wrote during my FB relationship.
To get attached or not to get attached?
You tell me not to get attached
But yet you want to make love to me all night long
In the midst of our love making
I get a glimpse that deep down inside you desire closeness.
Why baby, are you afraid?
You even ask me to stay the night and cuddle.
Relationships are risky
You can get hurt but you can also get the greatest fulfillment.
You have captivated my heart
And I don’t know how to recapture it back
You are beautiful.
Let me get close.
I will treat you like a delicate glass figurine.
I will let you go.
I can’t continue making love to you
And constantly trying to stay detached.
It’s almost like eating gourmet food
But then asking me to throw it up.
I will embark in other adventures
And seek deep relationships despite their risks.
Live fearlessly my dear
Embrace those that truly care for you.
See you in another life.
First off, thanks for the article!!
It has slightly changed my perspective and it is nice to know that it’s not just me feeling this way.
I just came out of a fuck buddy relationship and I will admit it has been a struggle.
Despite us both playing the icy card at times, I still feel as though I have fallen for him, and am now constantly full of doubt with the way he felt about me and what his intentions were.
What do you feel are some of the best ways to overcome the feelings you have for the other person? I need to find a way to stop feeling jealousy towards anyone new in their life.
Keep up all the amazing posts! x
Wow this is so true, its so messed up…fuck
Im in one of these relationships now and its destroying me, but I cant seem to get out of it ether, Im totally addicted and screwed.
The thing is I like sex, I enjoy it and I dont want to give it up, but I dont feel ready to just go out and have one night stands or sex with random people. My problem is I developed feelings for my fuck buddy, I even lost my virginity to him, we have been on holidays together, sometimes he says he cares about me, that he loves me. But I know hes not IN love with me, and it hurts when sometimes he is that sweet and gives me hope, and then he can stop calling for a week and start acting all cool and detached.
I really try not to be the one that calls, move on with my life, maybe meet someone new, but he can me so damn sweet. And he has like a radar, everytime Im moving on he finds a way to get me back. And then he just abandons me again and starts dating other girls.
Everything you said is true, he totally fits the cold detached side of the relationship. And the fact that there are no clear boundries confuses me so much, I have no right to call him out on who he sleeps with. But then again this is a guy who has gone out with my best friend behind my back, with a girl he knew i hated, and who flirts with other girls right in front of me when we go out.
Its so fucked, and its really tireing. Im just waiting for all of this to take a toll on me so I can finally get out of this sick relationship, becouse he has broken my heart over and over, and he knows that I love him.
Wow I didn’t think so many people would be going through the same as me.
I still have feeling for my fb but I don’t want a relationship because things are just to messed up.
i have had my fuck buddy for nearly 12 years and it is still going strong
Oh my GOD am I happy to have found you all! Going through a similar situation and my GOD does it hurt. I wonder about the pattern of us all feeling rejected though and I wonder how much the rejection pushes into having feelings, or thinking we have. Because we cling to the person, we start to see ourselves through their eyes, and if they REJECT us, we find it so difficult to digest. Rejection is horrible. It leaves you completely powerless, that’s how I feel. And honestly when I met this guy I had ZERO interest, in fact I would NEVER have believed I would fall for him, or even sleep with him at all. In fact, he was into me and pursued me a bit, which is how we were together the first time. It was incredible, and we had what I thought was a really healthy connection, because I’d looked beyond his looks etc and given a chance to someone whose personality shone through. WE didn’t see eachother after the first time for almost 2 months because we’re from different countries and I went home for a while for the holidays etc. Anyway, it was me who was curiously contacting him, I always instigated contact, but he ALWAYS responded, and warmly so.
When I came back to his country, he contacted me, invited me to a party, showed me off to his friends. Then I found out he has a girlfriend. She lives in another country too though, she has moved there for a year and they don’t see eachother often, once every 3 or 4 months. And having known him and been out with him a lot for a few months before I was with him, I can say with honesty that I NEVER got the atttached vibe.
Anyway I’ve gotten myself into a situation now whereby my only friends in this country are in fact HIS friends, and it’s a lonely time for me anyway, so his rejection of me tied in with my only small circle of acquaintances, means that I now associated them with him. It has snowballed and I’ve gotten myself into an awful state of lonliness and serious paranoia.
The thing is, I was with him quite a number of times after I found out about the girlfriend, because of the way it was presented to me – as an open relationship, or as if they were exes but still in touch, met at holidays etc. He is definitely attracted to me, I know that much, but somehow it has developed into that icy power struggle.
The last time we were together was just before I went home for a week to my country, we were in my place with his friends (our friends) and laughing a lot, everything very comfortable. They all left to give us some alone time because they knew I was leaving the next day. The sex was the most intimate I’ve ever had, in that I mean the physical contact around the sex, not just the sex. I kept waking during the night to his touching my face or pulling me towards him to lie in his arms etc, and he asked me if he came home with me how I would introduce him to my father (macho or what!). Anyway he was icy the next day, when he walked me to the taxi he’d called for me and we didn’t really speak while I was home. When I came back, he contacted me first, but maybe I messed it up somewhat by trying to have THE conversation on fucking facebook chat! NOT a good idea, especially not when you don’t both speak the same mother tongue…that said, i didn’t scare him off, he still contacted me, but he jsut didn’t want to talk about things, complicate things. (COP-OUT, I know)
I’ve been back now for a month, and I’ve seen him ONCE. He invited me to his place for a party, but then that night when I tried to kiss him in a club, he told me he couldn’t because his girlfriend’s friend was there. I wish he had just told me it was because he just wants to be friends, but no. He can obviously sense the hold he has on me and he won’t put me out of my misery. For example, I don’t contact him but then he leaves comments on my facebook page, or on my comments or on my comments to friends. But then he won’t just call me or send me an email or anything. It’s so strange, but worst of all is the analysing and the trying to get inside his head. You can’t get inside someone else’s head…
Anyway, I think I would like to be him one last time and decide from there. Either it will be a bittersweet goodbye, or maybe we can say some things we’ve never said. Either way I’m not going to continue this dance, I want closure, one way or the other.
Thanks everyone for your comments and thanks Rachel for giving me a space to get that off my chest, I already feel empowered
GOOD LUCK EVERYONE xxxxxxx
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