When I wake up in the morning, it could be in one of two parts. The part of me that is taking the reins in my life–moving toward goals, self-work, career. Or the part that wishes it weren’t morning. The part that wants to hide somewhere inside myself, folded teeny in my body. Neither feel totally comfortable. One is the pain of growing, the other, the pain of confinement.
Probably you know these feelings too. It is the state of being in your twenties, the trial of adulthood. Tomorrow is my 26th birthday. Is it just me, or does this struggle intensify around birthdays? The time of the year when we begin to evaluate where we are, and thought we’d be.
The thing is, if you can name those parts you can paint them. The one who wants to hide, I can tell you about her. As a kid she hated group participation. She hated call and response–, “I can’t heeeear you!” She hated dodeball. Picture day. The electric slide at weddings.
It was safer–smarter- to stay tucked inside. She, as an adult, would be content to ride the bus all day. That could be her profession–just observing other people. Maybe sometimes writing in a notebook. Reading. Letting the city pass and blur.
The other part–the one that takes the reins– organized elaborate play as a kid. Deep-alone-play was important. Now, she knows how to set a room asparkle. (It’s in an entrance that is with purpose.) Though extroverted, she remains about 50% in her mind. A key to creativity, she believes.
When I imagine this taking the reins part, I can imagine how she walks, her posture and how she talks. Can’t you imagine how that part of you would do things? How would they get out of bed in the morning? What would that part do right now? How would that part finish the day?
After turning 21, 22 I found birthdays had became harder. It’s not that I fear getting older in the sense of losing my youth or looks (consciously anyway). It’s that I am aware of years slipping, the ever-dwindling sand-glass. There are so many things I want to do. The part of me that feels like hiding into myself fears that it is just already too late.
But I have tapped into some secret, suddenly…I’m not afraid. I welcome 26 and all it has to bring–because I am not scared about waking up and wanting to hide in my pillow. If you know what taking the reins looks like, you can begin to to tap into it. What would this part do? I know she checks in with herself, not glossing over emotions. She remembers that she loves and accepts herself no matter what.
So, if you have a part of you that gets things done, that works hard for you, name it. Draw it, write it, bring it to life. The more practice you get in it, the better. Taking the reins in your life doesn’t happen overnight. But you can work on fostering it. 25 was a year of taking the reins more than ever. Of getting so many things I wanted by going after them. Here is to 26 being even bigger, brighter, more.
Photos: my cat and I modeling for Edmund X White
11 Comments
Happy Birhtday Rabbit!
This is soo beautiful & spoke VOLUMES to this 21 yr old who certainly at present craves staying in bed all day. Thank you for the encouragement <3
Thanks Tallulah! Cheers to that part of you that takes the reins, and to the stay-in-bed part, I see you too and understand
I have both of these sides, too. In my head, they’re both still little girls, not having yet figured out how to bring their personalities into the grownup world. They play together most days, switching back and forth. I don’t value one of them over the other, really, though. Hide wins more than Reins, but not that often. Like the little interior children that they are, I love them both.
Happy early birthday, darlin’. <3
I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now, but this post compelled me to comment. I feel exactly as you describe – wanting to stay inside my own head, content to watch people passing by. I’m so terrified of making a mistake that I don’t move at all, aware all the time of time slipping away. I’m trying to force myself to move forward; I don’t want to look back when I’m 80 and see nothing but missed opportunities and wasted time. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way. This post has really moved and inspired me, thank you.
Happy Birthday in advance!
Ellie, Yes seeing them as kids is always correct. When I find myself taken over by a part it’s helpful to ask: how old is this part of me?
Thanks for the birthday wishes, Poohkie! <3
Happy birthday to you Rabbit!
What a fitting post for me this morning. I got news that a friend has won a grant and for some reason, it brought out the stay-in-bed part of me, which is very unlike me really! I have always showered and rejoiced in my friends successes as artists, as i see their successes as my own. But this morning, i couldn’t seem to shake it. Well that was until the go-get-em-tiger part of me dragged that little girl outta bed, showered, let her dress the way she wanted to and i am now heading out on a date with myself.
It is interesting our two sides. I must tell you though Rabbit, this will never leave! I am 40 and still battle these opposing girls within. It may simply be a case to understand and accept that they will always be there and aid each one to help the other.
I’m off now with my ridiculous outfit on to have lunch where ever my nose takes me, in the Californian winter sun!
Thanks for your post!
<3 Santina
this post couldnt have come at a better time for me. I totally feel half the time I’m taking the reins of my life and the other half im just wasting away in bed. This has motivated me to live to my fullest potential. Thanks for all your output through the years rabbit and happy birthday!
Santina,
I think this is such an important part of it that we hit on. I realize I get triggered when people in similar careers announce successes. It’s hard to not measure our lives and careers against others. I think the thing with friends is that, you really can’t “be proud” of someone else’s accomplishments, but you can tell them that “they should be proud” and how great it is. Anyway, it’s funny how the depression around friend’s successes works. No one wants to admit that, but it is a human reaction. It’s good to remember, there is room in this world for all of us to do our true work, and be successful at it. Someone else’s success does not take away the room for ours.
Thank you Malamb9o,
So glad it resonated. Your taking the reins is beautiful! <3
Hi Rabbit,
I just want to say a quick thank you for this article, it comes at a very appropriate time in my life. I’ve been going through a rough break up for the past eight months, spending most of my days in bed with no desire to get up and face each day, preferring to instead sleep them away. I can envision that girl who has picked herself up and is taking her life by the reins, and I fantasize about it often, by actually implementing that vision requires a certain strength that I’m not quite sure how to obtain. As I approach my twenty-first birthday in a week I’m realising that I don’t want to be in this crippling state anymore. This post makes me feel as though I’m not as alone in these feelings as I thought and to really, honestly try to change.
Thank you, and I hope you had a lovely birthday
xoxo
Wow. You have put into words something that I’ve been feeling for almost a year. I am 23 and moved back home after college with a BA in Art History and no job to show for it. Meeting my boyfriend was an amazing distraction but now I can no longer ignore the fact that I have no idea what I want to do for a career!
I have all these ideas and dreams, but fear of failure, not know where to begin, and the limitless possiblities keep me from taking action. In the past I have been accused of “being in my head” too much but I love how you made me connect that to being creative. As rediculous as it is, at the tinder age of 23 I fear that life is passing me by.
I really apreciate your post because I never realized that this is something people go through in their 20′s. I’ve felt like in the past that order to be sucessful you have to know what you want to do with you life from the start and be some kind of wonderkin.
Sometimes I worry that I’ve not driven enough to accomplish anything worthwhile, but seeing your blog and then reading how you go though the same things that I do is really an eye openner for me.
Thank for a great post!
Thank you thank you thank you for this post!
I’ve recently started writing 3 pages every morning, and I’ve found that most start out with, “Can’t I please just stay in bed?” It’s especially interesting to me that I often feel this way regardless of if things are going well or not in my life. It seems to be the transition out of your covers and into reality that’s the hardest part, not the actual result.
And I just really love your writing!
Mad.