In almost every sexual encounter I’ve had, there has been a dance of dominance and submission. In the kink world this is explored and talked about heavily– but in vanilla sex, we just sorta do it blindly.
Some people think that we are naturally born either dominant or submissive — yet I find that’s a bit dismissive of the many ways all of us can be submissive, which are worth exploring. My friend, Jim Marcus introduced me to this “Submissive Scale”. It’s a great way to learn more about your sexuality, fantasies and compatibilities with your partner (whether you are a curious vanilla or a BDSM expert).
Jim: “There are many different ways to be a submissive. It’s a mistake to try and treat every submissive the same. One of the ways I use to determine HOW someone wants to submit is to use the 7 matrices of submission, asking them how much they do or would enjoy each one.”
Directions: Answers each on a scale of 0 to 10, 0 being “I don’t care for this at all” and 10 being “That makes me super hot”. You can include caveats: things you like or don’t like, or perhaps imagining being the dominant is what turns you on. You can do this alone to learn more about your turn-ons, or together with a partner to learn more each other and find some new things to do in bed.
THE SCALE | SEVEN MATRICES OF SUBMISSION
1. How much do you like being owned? On a scale of 0 to 10. Do you enjoy hearing “You are mine I own you?”, this extends to being marked as someone’s property, being someone’s baby, little girl, slave, their thing, etc.
2. How much do you like to serve, on a scale of 1-10 — 0 being “I do not much care to serve people”, 10 being “It is my life to serve you! Let me massage your feet, bring you a drink, etc…”
3. How much do you want to be degraded, yelled at, called “dirty” or a “slut”. (This includes being humiliated, made to do things in public, objectified etc.)
4. How much do you want to be tied down and restrained. This means to be restricted, having your ability to move being restricted via being tied up. (This can include being caged.)
5. Do you want or need to be beaten? This is not always about pain. You can “beat” someone for long periods of time without hurting them. When you are beaten you are the center of someone’s physical attention. This is about having someone use their strength against you…its not the pain but being the focus of a partner’s aggression. And of course, some people do like pain.
6. How much do you like to be fucked…This may not be about penetration–but having someone devote sexual attention to you. How much do you like to be the focus of someone’s sexual attention? Thrown down and fucked, used for someone’s pleasure…
7. How much do you desire to be given away — In the Story of O, at the final scene, the character is “given away” to someone by her lover. When this happens in real life, usually it’s not permanent, but perhaps you’ve been very “bad”, so your partner’s friends are going to use you. This reinforces the fact that you are such a powerful object of pleasure.
A Brief Question on Acting out Fantasies
Rachel Rabbit: So how do you know if something is just a fantasy, or something you want to really do?
Jim: “It’s also important to recognize that not all fantasies are made equally. There are fantasies that anyone would act out right now if given the chance. We can call these maximized fantasies. These change from person to person and might include public sex, rough sex, anything they would do now if the right opportunity came up.
But there are also minimized fantasies- things that they may not want to do exactly but may masturbate about it for their whole life. These may be things like Gang Bangs or severe whippings. One of the jobs of a Dominant is to create maximized fantasies for a person–within limits they can tolerate, that feel and seem like Minimized ones.
For example, a sub may have a maximized fantasy of servicing two men sexually. She may also have a minimized fantasy of being used indiscriminately by a roomful of men. The dominant could lead her into a roomful of men, where she is stripped, talked dirty to, etc. Then, once blindfolded, used by two of them while the rest look on. The illusion that many many men are using her can be preserved –while the reality exists that it’s really only two people she trusts who are ‘violating’ her.”
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[...] was ditzin’ around the blagosphere and came across a lovely and thoughtful questionnaire by Rachel Rabbit White, inviting her readers to answer each question on a scale of one to ten. I [...]