When Ned and I first met there were lots of dates, gazing across restaurant tables with bedroom eyes, playing footsie between witty banter. But my cool would come to a freeze when the check was dropped between us. Should I offer? What should I do? Even when I wanted to offer, it was hard to find the assertiveness to pay on a date. Ned was nice, quickly and happily paying with no fuss, and I truly appreciated his generosity.
I don’t think it should be a rule that the man pays. But I recently attended a summit where one of the panels was on relationships. The female sexpert argued that men should always pay for dates. I’ve researched this topic and read several accounts of women who offer to pay, then are horrified when the man accepts. The women who make this argument cite reasons like, chivalry and decency and rooting out cheap-bastards.
But doesn’t it kinda make them sound cheap? This strong opinion appears rooted in nothing less than the fact that they simply don’t want to pay. Which, is fine, but don’t make it about gender roles.
I think these women need to start getting honest with themselves. Perhaps their top priority is a partner who can take care of them, emotionally and monetarily. I think that is okay if that is your choice. But be honest about that. Don’t make it a rule for everyone.
The sight of the check in mine and Ned’s early dating was scary because I was broke. Ned was already out in a real-world job and I was in college, in between college-world jobs. I do think that whoever makes more should pay for more dates, it just makes economical sense.
One popular way around the who should pay debacle is going dutch, which seems like a fool-proof method. I personally do not like going dutch. To me, splitting the bill is reserved for non-romantic encounters: friends, colleagues, acquaintances or a date you are just not that into. Dating is about treating each other, by taking each other out you are taking care of each other, you aren’t just two bodies in a space. I say take turns paying, treat each other.
Regardless of who pays, there needs to be reciprocation. Maybe your partner cooks all of the meals, and you pay for outings. Or perhaps it is something less tangible, you give yourself emotionally and creatively to your partner and expect them to want to pay for dates with you. When dating it is important to ask yourself if this reciprocity is something you are receiving.
Money is a dirty word, not something that we are taught to talk about (especially on dates.) But communication with yourself and your partner about money are key.
7 Comments
When my boyfriend and I first started dating and were both employed, we took it in turns to pay. Now I am a poor student, so my boyfriend pays. When I finish and get a job, he will go back to university, so then it will be my turn to pay! We don’t keep an exact tally of who owes what, it will all come around eventually.
“I think these women need to start getting honest with themselves about why they are doing this and what they are looking for.”
I agree with this statement.
Personally, I think it’s great when a guy wants to pay, also when he gets the doors for me and all that. It’s nice. But I don’t want to expect it just because I’m a woman. I hold doors for men, but I also hold doors for women. It’s just a nice thing to do. Right now, I appreciate when my date pays, but that’s because I’m broke. But when I have money, I do like to treat my date as well. There definitely needs to be a balance (at least until you have a joint bank account.)
.-= Erini CS´s last blog ..do what you love =-.
Poppy- I think that is absolutely the right attitude to have! Communication and Reciprocity are always the keys to a successful relationship.
Erini- I was hoping you’d weigh in on this one! I love your “I don’t expect it just because I’m a woman” line, that I think is the proper attitude and tells us alot about where many women are. I have a joint bank account with my husband and even though we share money we sort of have a pretend balance, we still like to treat each other.
Rabbit,
This conversation, this koan, this puzzle – is a great tool for a daily ‘gut check’ about how any one of us is either fostering equality or fostering patriarchy.
There are a zillion answers to the question and there is no one answer. However, each of us knows for ourselves (if we bother to ask / look) whether or not we seek to work within our relationship with each other out of respect or out of manipulation.
How we choose to deal with this, goes a very long way to defining the relationship we will have or lose.
-arvan
.-= sexgenderbody´s last blog ..Under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, Women More Likely To Be Expelled- AP =-.
I like the idea of taking turns, although on that first date, I always offer to see if he’ll refuse. I guess I am one of those girls in that way (except, I always bring money or a card to at least cover my share). While it’s not a dealbreaker, if he lets me pay on that first date, it raises some questions–is he cheap, having financial issues or just oblivious?
.-= Holly ´s last blog ..The Next Generation? =-.
For me I think it really all comes down to who can afford it.
With my last boy we switched off from year to year, whoever was doing better financially was the one to take care of the bills, until we had a joint bank account and then for some reason he was the one who always took out his card to pay even though it was mostly my money.
My current boy set the tone with our first date by telling me that I had no choice but to finish our dessert because he was paying for dinner. Most of the time he pays for meals out and, since I love to cook and do it professionally, I make meals at home. I’ve always had a pretty firm feminist stand on letting men buy my meals even if I cook for them, but the established pattern makes it feel extra special when he takes a turn cooking or I take him out.
.-= Alana´s last blog ..Don’t worry, be happy =-.
SGB, wonderful insight, couldn’t agree more.
Holly, thanks for sharing and digging honestly into yourself!
Alana, I have totally been there and I also think that is the fairest rule. I love the cooking/going out switch up!
One Trackback
[...] Rabbit Write: Who Should Pay for Dates? [...]