You know the BFF, right? The kind of friend whose initials you maybe sorta carved into your wrist with a safety pin when you were younger? Guys? Right?
Well I posed this on twitter, and apparently, I’m not so weird! I asked you guys about the romance of the BFF, and your stories (above) are worth putting in a shoebox and storing under your bed.
The BFF is something we associate with the YA girl set. Or else we have to slather it with a word like “bromance”. A brain study by the National Institute of Mental Health found that when girls were faced with meeting a new friend, brain activity sky-rocketed. Activity increased in areas associated with reward and motivation, hormone secretion and more. Boys, however, showed no increase in these areas. This same study reports that boys tend to hang out in larger group settings, while girls preferred one-on-one. It seems guys are not groomed for the BFF–encouraged more towards sports… or standing side by side and staring ahead.
I’ve had so many BFF’s I’ve felt woozy about: girls I’ve written 20 page letters to, girls I’ve tried to impress by making mixtapes or swilling Dimetapp–I read online it was cool! But does our clueless tenderness have anything to do with another phenomenon? That thing I sometimes hear straight women say: “everyone’s a little bi”.
According to a string of studies, women’s sexuality is just more fluid then men’s. Lisa Diamond unravels this in Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. Diamond studied 100 women over a decade, and found that the majority shifted their sexual identity. Some preferred to be label-less as they got older and some found themselves in love with women when they’d before only been with men and vice versa. While men might be more less inclined to report feeling of same sex attraction because of cultural stigma, some studies are showing that fluidity has a place for dudes as well.
It makes sense that the BFF is a place where sexual fluidity flourishes. Brain scans show there are similarities in the way we experience romantic love and friend love. Perhaps love itself is fluid, able to move from something platonic to amorous to sexual.
Francesa Lia Block may have ruined me with the idea that if I just found that fairy-winged dream-girl, I’d be whole. And movies (Thirteen, Me Without You, Daisies, Ghostworld) gave power–or glamor–to the half-heart necklace. But many studies show that when women have loving, trusting relationships with each other, they lead a more fulfilled life– something to be celebrated.
33 Comments
I am not sure whether it is about sex, but I like the fact that my BFF and I (living about 500km apart) can sit on the sofa together talking or watching a movie, and cuddle. Touch is really important to human beings, and even when being in a relationship, there appears to be never enough of it… Sometimes we don’t hear from each other for month, but the moment we pick up the phone, it’s like we’re teenagers again and planning our tiny slumber parties. ^^
Diandra, you make such a good point. There is so much to intimacy that is sensual and not exactly sexual and it does make sense to explore that with friends. But there is some weird cultural thing about it in the US, either it’s not okay or it’s sexualized, glamorized. Maybe that is why we often see the image of young girls with the romantic BFF instead of men. Because as we talked about on the comments of the male body post its not culturally okay to sexualize/objectify men. Thoughts?
And as a sidenote, Aww you are so making me miss all of my wonderful beautiful friends who I’ve had slumberparties with.
why is it that I feel I can’t do these things as I get older? I still want slumberparties!
My BFF in high school & I used to openly touch each other, like walking arm in arm or something, until my mom like slut-shamed us for acting too much like we liked each other, & I just kinda realized that I don’t really feel comfortable touching my girl friends anymore.
I sort of have a BFF but now that we don’t work together anymore, we talk a lot less. I miss the talking every day BFF with emotional intimacy & no judgy conversations . . . I think women tend to be more empathetic, & it’s easier to relax into that & tell your deepest secrets & sometimes those conversations are more intimate than sex w/your BF. & my girl friends have always gotten me in ways my ex didn’t, so I really couldn’t survive w/o my girls.
I think guys can have those same intense BFF relationships – I’ve seen it with my ex & brother. They might not have the same emotional intensity that I’ve been used to, but I’ve seen those emotions show up when the friendships grew apart. And from what my ex used to tell me, guy friends know how to really listen & let the other guy talk, then they just move on about their day. And well, I guess that’s empathy too. So really, I haven’t seen much difference between my BFF’s & the male version’s BFF’s.
Jess, I had a friend in junior high who used to hold my hand in public and it just felt so good. Like a million butterflies bursting inside. It wasn’t sexual, but it was again, sensual. It was someone showing they cared about me, and wanted to be SEEN caring about me! At a time when I had such low self esteem. If I had been slutshamed, like you, for that it would have felt terrible.
I notice now that I don’t touch my friends as much, and I think that has to do with how hyper vigilant I am around my sexuality–like “well she knows I’m bi and I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.” I don’t think this is logical, I actually think this has a lot to do with some internalized bi-phobia than anything else–it’s a fear that I am “creepy” for my sexuality.
I think men totally crave emotional relationships with other men (and do have them) but I think it’s maybe harder for them. I find it sad that they are taught to be more stoic and less physical. It seems amongst men I know there is a real longing for connection and genuine friendship, that can be hard to get with other guys.
Thanks for your comment – I did feel terrible, like our friendship love was wrong. And it had been so innocent & now I kinda police myself too, like you’re talking about, though I feel envious when other women touch each other with that same innocence & care.
Yes, you’re so right about men – I was the go-between for my brother & his BFF because they wouldn’t be vulnerable with their emotions to each other about who stopped contacting who. I guess expressing that felt like weakness in front of the other guy, even though they were clearly pained over not talking to each other much.
I had a few BFF relationships that were a bit intense. The first was my pretty, outgoing blonde friend. She was everything I wasn’t and I loved her immensely in middle school. When boys started becoming interested in her, I was jealous. When she started becoming friends with other more outgoing and socially popular girls, I was heart-broken. I don’t think it was ever a romantic love, but I definitely worshipped the ground she walked on. We are still good friends to this day but our relationship has changed (for the better, I think) since we’ve both done some growing up.
Another friend who stands out in my memory was extremely possessive of me. When we first became friends we spent ALL our time together, one-on-one. We had sleep overs every single weekend in high school. I was shunning all my other friends in order to make her happy. My mom even asked me if we were gay and I thought that was silly because of course we were just best friends! However, now I realize my friend may have felt differently. Eventually our friendship became way too high maintenance–I couldn’t stand her being so controlling towards me and she was upset whenever I spent time with a boyfriend. Other friends started making comments that she was in love with me. That in itself wouldn’t have been a problem, but I ended our friendship because of her possessive nature.
In response to Jess’s comment– I am REALLY curious of guy’s experiences. I had a hard time getting any dudes to open up when I asked for stories, and I wonder what they think of all this…so guys, if you are reading this, spill!
Leah, I remember so well that whole “are you guys gay?” thing. My most dearest friend, my highschool best friend, she used to joke that her parents thought we were gay. That was meant as an insult back then, “gay” in highschool social world was synonymous with bad or icky or gross.
While I wasn’t in love with her and didn’t actually feel anything physical toward her…I almost liked that people might think we were gay. It’s such a fascinating thing because like you, I say it wasn’t amorous love with her…and yet I remember it was nearly identical to the feeling of falling in love. Is there really just one love and all of us are just fooling ourselves–repressing that desire? Or does the human race not yet fully grasp the subtle differences in the types of love that are out there? Brain scans do show that love lights up our brains differently in different relationships.
I personally feel that best girlfriends and romantic interests are in the same category in the mind. They’re both someone you trust, love, and enjoy spending time with, but there’s always the added depth with someone of the same sex because they relate to SO MUCH of what you’re going through. I wish I could take the intense platonic love and combine it with the romantic affection somehow! I’d like to think most girls feel this way, but there’s always the fear of ruining a friendship if the love isn’t requited.
Great article, love the blog ♥
I knew a bunch of guys in high school who used to have “wank sessions” (their term, not mine!) They would break into other people’s houses and watch their porn collection, and jerk off together. This is weird, right?
By the way, really thought this was worthy of a mention in my blog.
x
I have many BFF. Althought this relations have a lot of nice things, sometimes they get very heavy because of jealousy. Nowdays I prefer not to have them.
Thanks*!
Katy, I think from these conversations that most girls do in fact feel this way, but maybe the problem is that we think something has to be done about feeling a bit amorous towards our friends. I think there can be amorous friendships without anything further happening sexually…but it is the larger culture that tells us what dictates a romantic relationship must be– and what friendship should look like. In other words, why can’t we love our friends this way? And why can’t we love them without worrying about sex–or why can’t we love them and have sex? So many “rules” in relationships are worth questioning.
Thanks Camilla! At my highschool these were called “blanket parties”. I’m not sure if guys did this from a place of sexual or amorous attraction to each other…or if it was more of a pissing contest.
Daindart, I find that I prefer not to have these relationships when I am in a serious relationship with a primary partner, but when I am single it’s like I need them. Curious if this is what you find, as well!
I’ve had more friendship bracelets and half heart (or in my case I think it was dolphin) necklaces than I can count. This is a phenomenon I’ve never seen put out so clearly, but at the same time I’ve most definitely lived it. I also remember my first break up; I had to tell a girl (who was a little more smitten with me than I was with her) that I didn’t want to be her BFF – she was just too clingy for my tastes.
About the similarities in romantic love and friendship love… well that would sure explain why with my current BFF (who is male, but effeminate) I went from platonic, to lust, to love, and back to platonic again. He’s also a good example for the male side of fluidity as he also went through similar things with me, alas at the wrong times.
Thank you for writing about it! I never would have considered it in these terms, but it’s beautifully true.
Thanks LGS! I also wanted to share with everyone this academic paper that Elly from the blog Quiet Riot Girl sent me–it’s about young heterosexual males, and the sexual feelings/love they experience for their friends. I haven’t had time to properly read it yet…but from a quick scan it looks like they found more and more straight men are kissing each other. Hot, I think?
http://www.ericandersonphd.com/resources/Kiss%20Them%20Because%20I%20Love%20Them%20The%20Emergence%20ofHeterosexual.pdf
If anyone else reads it and has any thoughts or parts to share, please spill!
Boys kissing! In fact, any form of boy-on-boy action is hot hot hot. Thanks for the link… I’ll go and read.
Hear, hear sisterwoman! I was also just going to pop in and say LOL @ the dolphin necklace…I think I had that too, or maybe it was heart ying yang
And yes I thought about the platonic/amorous/sexual love thing in terms of primary partners too! I often feel like even in my relationship now with my husband, I can go in different waves and forms.
Haha… now you say that, I’m pretty sure mine was a dolphin yin yang!
I love how fluid and different love/romance/lust can be.
@ Rachel Rabbit White
The reason why many guys don’t open up is because they are taught that if they show too many feelings they are a sissy or a little girl. guys are told not to complain, cry or talk all mushy around other guys or they will be mocked for it until the end of time.
When guys get together they usually talk about football, drinking, fighting, and women. It’s not that guys don’t feel the same as women, it’s just that they learn to hide it better. And yes, guys do get jealous when their best buds find other freinds they prefer to hang with.
Ahh yes a dolphin ying yang–all it needs is a pinch of psychedelic rainbow pattern mixed in.
Okay so @ everyone: I strangely just found myself subjected to/immersed in a video of Michael Jordon’s top 40 moments. And I realized yes, this same sex amorous/sexual love in platonic (straight) relationships plays out so much WITH MEN in sports!
At least on the pro sport level, we see players interacting in physical/seemingly flirtatious ways with each other. At least, I just saw a fellow player (lovingly, teasingly?) tap Michael Jordon on the top of his ass after he made a preposterous shot.
Thoughts? I am curious if this is a phenomenon at all levels of sports too. And if guys have any insight on this, or personal experience. Because, according to those above studies guys are encouraged to hang out in groups/doing things like sports more than the one-on-one relationships associated with girls. But maybe the amorous/sexual tendencies (we do associate with women) still play out just as much with men, even if it’s in group settings.
My and my BFF have a a very strong connection. We text every single day and if the other does not respond within a resonable amount of time a strong worry sweeps over us. We find ourselves getting depressed when we go too long not seeing eachother, even with boyfriends.
Hi,
This is a rather enthusiastic first-time-post. I seriously adore this blog.
I am also neither a native speaker nor writer, so I’d ask you to bear with me and my English. I try to do my very best.
I don’t think I have ever had a BFF in that classic sense. During school I fought against so many personal demons that I mostly could not open myself to that kind of friendship and in some ways that hasn’t changed.
The woman I call my best friend has probably been the closest thing to a BFF I have ever had. We have been roommates twice and were there at the bleakest points of each other’s life. We can talk for hours. I have hated each and every one of her boyfriends (though, to be fair, they usually turn out to be trolls). However, it is hard for me to talk to her on personal level, I usually keep my issues close to my chest. As we are both somewhat uncomfortable with our bodies, our relationship is also not very intimate on a physical level. I don’t know, but I think, if I had known a few crucial things about myself and if she wasn’t the straightest girl on the planet, I could have fallen in love with her.
I sometimes very much wish society and my own body would allow me to be more affectionate with my friends. As it is, I’m sticking to it’s-good-to-meet-you-hugs and patting shoulders and hugging and kissing my boyfriend when the need for contact and affection threatens to make me do things other people could misinterpret…
Gabby, yeah I remember things like this about my past BFFs too, and I realize there is just almost no difference in that and the way I am when falling in love. Falling in love with a partner or with a friend is almost identical in feeling/physical sensation/thought pattern. Thoughts?
Govinda, your English is great, thanks for posting! I so feel you on the “hard to get close to” thing. I’ve realized, that since my last bff relationship (ended 4 years ago) I’ve kept armor up. While I miss that close friendship style, I feel like I’ve also sabotaged any opportunities to have a BFF again. And I am with you, it’s too bad that culture doesn’t allow for more physical intimacy or much intimacy period amongst friends. If it did, it’s so fascinating to imagine how these relationships would be different, and how they’d ebb and flow.
Isn’t our ideal partner subjected to the “friends first” thing anyway? At least, in our minds? I think that the love is the same but the way we want to express it is different. I love my BFF probably more than my boyfriend, yet I’ve never really felt the need to express that love sexually. Yes, intimately, and definitely with the feeling of being judged by others (sometimes even her) as that intimacy being “gay” But in my mind, it’s not ” oo cos I want to hug her so hard right and tell her i love her, now I’m bi”, because after the hug and the love comes talk, not sex
Xx
All I have to say is, I *just* saw Bridesmaids, today. I am so disappointed I didn’t do this post after having already jumped on that cultural touchstone! SO MUCH BFF LOVE THERE TO CULTURALLY ANALYZE~!
I miss the BFFs i had before I came out… the ones that I’d share the sofa bed with at sleepovers, playing the question game until we would fall asleep, side by side. After I came out, the BFFs I had where our friendships consisted mostly of calling each other “boo” and “honey”, going stag with each other to school dances, and taking shmexy pictures of us together and posting them to facebook… these were the girls that drifted away from me. I think they might of realized that our friendship had meant something more, and they were scared to think about what that would say about their own sexuality.
I remember this one girl in middle school who I absolutely adored. We sat at the same table for lunch, but sometimes we’d have what we would call a “bonding day”, where we’d talk and walk around the field at school, just the two of us. She was smart and funny and cute, and when she began to become a lot more close with another girl, I became extremely jealous. In retrospect, I think I was in love with her.
Another BFF experience of mine was with this girl (i’ll call her Sarah) who I became friends with the first semester of my freshman year in high school. She was a junior, and she was going out with my then-boyfriend’s best friend, so naturally we became besties as well. One time, me, my boyfriend, and Sarah were all hanging out alone in Sarah’s huge house. When my boyfriend was in the other room, Sarah told me that my boyfriend and I “kissed wrong”, and she offered to show me how to kiss properly. Before I could say anything, she leaned in and kissed me. I kept my eyes open- I was petrified! What if my boyfriend saw us?? Was this cheating?- It sure felt like cheating, even though I didn’t even consider myself bisexual back then. After I came out to Sarah a couple months ago, I was hoping for her to come out to me back, or tell me that she was bi-curious, but instead she defended her straitness profusely, why she was so completely *not* bi/les. Our friendship definitely isn’t as intimate as it was before, we are hardly even friends anymore. Do you think she’s bi? And if she is, do you think she ever come out to herself or others?
omg what a long post!! xD probably the most i’ve ever posted on this blog… anywhoo, please write back!!
As a bissexual girl in a monogamous marriage with a guy ( Kind of a “Chasing Amy sort of thing though, since i’m more fisically attracted to woman and have always been, but the heart wants what the heart wants, right?) I feel REALLY self conscious about touching or showing affection towards my girlfriends. Maybe it’s because of the gigantic number of “BFFS” that broke my heart when i was younger and more confused or maybe ,deep inside, i know for experience that this kind of relashionship can quickly became something else… Who knows! It can also be internalized biphobia, as you said.
I’ll have to second Govinda, English is not my first language so please be kind with my bad grammar!
I have been living in China for that past few years, and I think the conception of male masculinity is much more fluid that it is in the states. Chinese guys on are very physical with each other, to the point where American guys might be uncomfortable. Younger guys often walk with their arms around each other, I have two very close guy friends that regularly joke about how they “molest” each other and unequivocally identify as straight. Through the medium of sports, I feel that I’ve been included in some ways in Chinese maleness. My male teammates freely change in front of me, and a few of the ones I am closer to actually “tap” or “pat” me on the butt during practices and matches. Although my American upbringing should cause me to feel cautious about these interactions, I don’t feel threatened by them in any way.
However, I also want to acknowledge that there are lots of social double standards for guys and girls in China. Although I participate in more male dominated spheres of life here and physical contact with guys feels normal to me, my inroads into these uncharted territories have been met with challenges. Sometimes I am told there are “natural” differences between men and women, or that there are limitations to my performance in a sport when I play with guys. Sometimes I purposely choose not to cross certain social boundaries, I don’t feel comfortable changing in front of my male teammates even though they can change in front of me.
Chinese and American notions of masculinity are surprisingly fluid in some ways, but quite rigid in others. I use to think that Chinese conception of male and female relationships was extremely constricting, but in practice, my male Chinese teammates and friends have made a surprising number of “concessions”.
I can tell you right now speaking as a man I personally have had a couple of BFF’s in my life that I will always cherish and I know a lot of my other male friends who feel the same way. I your right think that the way men are socialised plays a significant part in the way we downplay our interactions with members of our own gender we must be on constant alert lest the friendship be perceived as being something it’s not. It can be quite a stifling and lonely existence for some men, don’t mean to highjack this thread by the way just adding my experiences your blog is great.
Jill, I went through this line of questioning myself–was so and so actually bi? Is that why we wer so romantic? Is that why we had that charge of sexual energy? I think the answer goes back to those findings about fluidity. Bisexual is just a word to figure yourself out, but I love these findings about women’s sexuality being more fluid over-all.
JM, one thing I find I’ve found is that the heartaches I’ve experiences from BFFs often pale in comparison to boyfriends who’ve hurt me. It’s like it’s way more of a betrayal, and often takes longer for me to get over. Maybe it’s because we don’t have any cultural rules in place for a BFF break up. If a guy dumps you, it’s totally okay to whine about it to everyone and eat a box of double stuff oreros. But if it’s a BFF, that is somehow weird or not okay.
Jess, thanks so much for this comment–uber intriguing. When I wrote this I wondered if it is just a US/Western cultural thing and was super curious about other cultures. I would love to re-open up this topic by asking people from many different cultures about their experiences.
2020, your voice is an important one in this conversation. I think it’s heartbreaking that guys can’t show this sort of affection, and honestly I think it makes it much harder for guys who aren’t into sports or group hang outs to be social and actually FIND friends. At least I’ve seen this over and over in boyfriends and guy friends I have.
I’ve never really thought about it before, but you’re right! On my next BFF break up ( * knocks on wood* ) i will totally eat tons of chocolate and cry instead of just resent the girl forever, haha!
Right?? Much healthier!
I’d love to write a fluffy “how to survive a BFF break up” type article for a lady or teen mag.
Rachel Rabbit
I am a guy and I find this article interesting. You should write for my site http://www.thesocialgods.com
I am a man
Since a very young age I’ve always been aware that we as men are not “allowed” to be intimate, to be emotional. I’ve shyed then from male interaction dynamics. Machismo is for me a thin layer of veneer over insecurity. All my confidantes used to be women.
I have learned that men can be an enormous support for each other in reaching goals, but the men involved are usually extraordinarily mature. It is a truly different dynamic/energy, a different kind of support.
Nowadays I am freeing myself from most social boundaries. One of the thing I’ve done is pushing and breaking through the boundaries with my BFF’s. We hug now, although it is still with a “laugh”, like it is a joke or to play. Still, massive improvement
I do feel heartwarmed when reading this, it makes me feel understood that there are women who see the social stigma on us men, and feel for us. Thank you.
Though I had some more things in my head, but I’m blank now… Maybe later
I’ve found that I usually relate better to guys throughout my life when it comes to friendships, but I’ve always had a small circle of extremely close girlfriends that I felt I could rely on much more than the dudes in my life. I do think, in many ways, it relates to the way we are brought up with expectations regarding gender roles surrounding us. I was actually raised within my home without much of that, my mother being a military officer, there was never a “girls do this & boys do that” kind of mentality, & I think that played a part in me being able to connect with all genders equally. In my close girlfriend relationships it has never been a sexual thing, but usually very affectionate to the point of kisses on cheeks. We were & are just very open to each other & celebrate having someone that understands our feminine point of view (that point of view being different to every woman, as femininity is what we make it unto ourselves). It’s also just nice to have someone that you can have that affection & love for whether you have a romantic partner or not. It’s a really gorgeous support system, as most of us are not meant to experience the highs & lows alone.
That all being said, while that BFF girlfriend experience is still very unique to us, I have seen men that are extremely close & show a certain level of affection. The best current example I have now is my boyfriend & his best friend. They throw their arms around each other sometimes when we go out, & sometimes when we are all together in public & there’s been a little drinking they’ve even had people not in our party assume they were gay & a couple. However, that IS usually when they both have alcohol in their system more often than not. They get cranky when they don’t get to hang out or get a little jealous if they’re hanging out with other people too much. Once, my boyfriend, his roommate & I were all hanging out when said roommate received a call from my man’s BFF. As soon as the call ended, my guy called his friend back & said “Why are you calling him & not me?!” I find it refreshing & adorable, & I think it makes him even more understanding when I tell him I have a girl-date with my BFF & he’s on his own for a day or so.
So, I leave this lengthy comment because I have found myself curious about these same things from my experience with other girls & seeing even more rarely the “bromances” that I feel lucky to have witnessed. It’s interesting to see the studies on brain scans as I hadn’t looked into it from that angle before, fantastic post.