I keep going back to this age old, unanswerable question: what is love? I feel confused by love. I look back at relationships and think: did I love that person? I feel like I’ve loved a lot of people–ones I dated, ones with eyes like black holes I couldn’t help but fall into. With some of them, I felt the words on my lips. I’ve had to stop myself from saying “Near Stranger, I love you. I love you. I love you.”
Beatles songs and Disney movies have ruined us. Isn’t love all you need? But there is no such thing as “the one”. We all have the capacity to fall in love with many people. And we all have the capacity to love people who are unhealthy for us, people who might not be our best partners, our best guides or co-adventurers in life.
Truly loving someone takes time. And sometimes we give people who are unhealthy for us that time. Being in a relationship not-for-love is about taking the reigns. It is figuring out what you want and naming it. It is making relationship decisions for yourself, not letting them happen to you.
Falling in love is a given when you spend mornings, days in bed with someone. It is a chemical reaction. Or maybe falling in love is a given when the right buttons are pushed, Jung’s anima and animus model of your partner taking the role of your parent. Falling in love is the easy part. But when looking for a partner it’s important to look for more than that initial spark, or explosion, of love.
When I was dating, I knew this but I didn’t have a name for it. Maybe there were a lot of people I loved. But I was looking for something bigger. I wanted a life coach, a co-conspirator, someone to see me and raise me one. This is what I found in my partner, who I love. Love is learning to truly know someone, it is accepting each of their parts, fully.
Love the partner that you choose. But don’t marry who you just love.
Photos by Eliot Lee Hazel
22 Comments
Excellent, excellent point.
Thanks girl. Le sigh, as I told dear @rosamundlannin on twitter, I wish I would have known this when I was 21 and dating these guys. There is so much more than love or money when it comes to serious relationships.
Wonderful, Rabbit!
Or, in my case, health insurance (although it does help). Romantic, I know! But the word “co-conspirator” captures it perfectly.
@ Robie
Thank you dear
@ Hersteria HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN HEALTH INSURANCE? That is the “marrying for money” of my generation. Or at least the hipster set… I’m not sure how I feel about this.
Well done! You have put words to how I’ve felt for a long time. I know that I’ve been in love with many people. I still do love some of them. I married my husband because he stuck by me through my depression,when I was confused and didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be… He saw a light inside of me and was determined to bring out the joyful, beautiful woman that was sleeping within. My love for my husband is on another level.
There definitely are levels to being in love with someone, and most of us don’t really realize that. When you start seeing your partner as more than just your partner, but as friend, and an equal, that’s when the real magic begins.
As Hersteria noted above, you make an excellent point, but the idea that almost anyone, let alone young people getting into their first long-term relationships, could be so rational in the face of such powerful chemical reactions seems quite a leap.
It would surely prevent much heartache and other, perhaps more tangible, scars, but humanity is still mostly animal, and we have to play with fire, get burned, then learn from it. For many, that may be the only way to arrive at a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship.
In the distant future, when we’ve evolved to understand and overcome our more self-destructive urges, all of us will encounter love and deeper relationships on a more cerebral level. Until then, love will remain a battlefield.
Dyamond, I think that is the most important thing in looking for a partner, they give us strength to be ourselves. So maybe what you needed when you met was strength to look yourself in the eyes, to look ito your heart and pull out of from your depression. And chances are, if your partner could help you with that, they can help you find self in your next challenge. The thing too is, knowing this now, if I were to find myself again single I would know there is a lot to look for. And really, it takes time.
Eric, so you are saying you *have* to get burned before you realize it’s about more than animal passion? I don’t know that you *have* to, I think that we should all go after those mates that incite wild animalistic lust in us–but understand that they might not make for the best longterm. For me, this means: some people are one night stands. Some people you date. I think me at 16 would have appreciated that advice! And yes, no matter how logical we make it love will always be a battlefield.
Well said. Like the pictures.
I would never recommend committing to any kind of long term relationship, marriage or otherwise, if the emotion of love was the only thing going for it. Love is just an emotion–albeit a great one. A marriage is also a companionship, a business relationship, and a social pact. All of those things have to be factored in, and this is were most young people go wrong.
For the record, I think love is abundant and easily found. I’ve loved every single girlfriend I’ve ever had and I wouldn’t have married a single one of them.
I love my husband but I was conflicted about marriage; I didn’t like old the gender stereotypes and cliches that go with it, and how my queer friends are excluded from it. Health insurance was a factor for us (my husband was freelance in theater at the timee) but I also wanted a way to express our commitment as life partners, that we would ride this journey of life together. Love is a feeling but it’s really about doing, I find.
Lance, I love your comment about love being abundant and easily found. I think you are right on, and this is what I was describing in feeling like I’ve loved so many people. Also, marriage is going into business together, true as unromantic as it sounds.
Quizzical Mama, Ahh I know what you mean! I often still feel guilty because my husband I are both bisexual, and yet we could get married because it’s to each other. It makes me a little embarrassed to say “my husband” or wear the ring around my queer friends–it’s admitting that privilege. But for me, marriage was different than living together, different than just being together. Everyone should be able to experience that.
One word: Wow
As your avid blog reader for sometime, you are my inspiration for many reasons. Thank you for your insightful article. This is also relevant to some of religious struggles that I’ve been going through lately. You are amazing and I can’t wait to see your interview from CNN.
Aaah, Rachel,
And yet again, the science of relationships backs up what you say. For instance, in arranged-marriage cultures, those who choose their partners for love are the happiest at the wedding. But two years later? The arranged marriage partners are far happier; and they are twice happier still at five years post-wedding.
Love isn’t all we need. We need compassion and kindness, friendship and self-control, respectfulness and a ton of plain old good manners, too.
And strangely, if we have all that, not only will we find love with the one we’re with. But *that* love? Will grow.
Jasmine, oh wow I am very intrigued how this relates to your struggles with religion. Is it that religion taught you there is a “one”? Or that true love it all that matters? True love waits? Religion does teach us a lot wrong about love, alongside those Disney movies and Beatles songs. Not to say there isn’t perhaps wisdom there as well. Thanks for the love, too. <3
Duana, YESSS!!!! Thank you thank you for this. I love the anecdote about arranged marriages–shows that perhaps we don’t know what we really want. If I am ever in Austin (that’s your city right?) I think some YouTube videos of our ideas could do very well!
Rachel, it’s a date <3
@Rabbit, re: abundance of love. I’ve been on dates with 100s of women, and I bet I could have fallen in love with over 60% of them, maybe more. And I’m not talking about lust, I mean genuinely loving someone to their core. What that tells me is that love is endless, abundant, and part and parcel of the human experience. We’re built to love. Of those 60%, should I get married to any of them? Probably not. That’s when the nitty gritty details of partnership, compatibility, and companionship come into play. I see any long term relationship like a business partnership but far more complicated because you’re sleeping with each other also. Tread with care.
I couldn’t agree more. When I got married, 7 years ago, I had such a chip on my shoulder about marrying for love as opposed to all the other “sensible” reasons one could marry for. I thought of marrying for love as far more romantic. I’ts taken me most of these 7 years to realize that i didn’t in fact marry for love but for the companionship, support and compassion I found in my husband. What I now think of as love came so much later.
Sometimes, you have to hear someone say it before it crystallizes in your own mind.
I would say that one should not be in a serious relationship solely for the sake of love, otherwise as you say, you run the risk of giving your time to someone who is very bad for you. However, waking up next to someone enough times does not the love affair make. Believe me, I tried, I really did. Found a man who was wonderful and right for me in so many ways. Mother told me to stick at it and love will come, but if that certain something ‘aint there, it ‘aint happening, and you will be left feeling like you’re missing something important. Which you are.
@ Duana
Lance, I feel like you just validated so much of what I’ve come to understand about myself and my personal relationships. So many people put this high price on love—that you couldn’t have REALLY loved this person, how many people have you REALLY been in love with? When it IS just much more simple than that. Your comment is really freeing for me. Thank you.
Helle, oooh very interesting case. This reminds me of my piece “The Divorce Pill” which I interviewed Duana for. Of course I don’t know what was going on with you and your partner but what the Divorce Pill explored was that sometimes, people just aren’t biologically right for us.
I completely concur! and it doesn’t matter what age you are when you realize it, either. sometimes you find the perfect partner earlier, or later. :]
As always in life, a good mixture is the right way. If you marry someone because you “just” love him, but the person is disappointing in various other ways, you’ll probably get unhappy over time. If you marry someone just out of rational reasons, but without love, you’ll probably get unhappy too. Finding the right balance is key I guess…
Sui, yes yes yes. Age is irrelevant, though I think this is an important message to impart on young people. <3 xx also, miss you lady! It’s been awhile since we’ve had proper twitter chats.
Andy, this is a great point. And it goes back to one truth I’ve found about relationships: your partner will not fix you, only you can fix you. If you think otherwise you are setting yourself up for major disappointment.
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