rabbit_write_17 (mp3 download 1.75mb)

TXT:

It’s Fat talk Free Week, which is a week without any fat talk, like “I’m so fat” or “do I look fat in this?” But what I want to focus on right now is another piece of fat talk that kind of gets overlooked: “have you lost weight?”It’s often thrown out as a compliment, but “have you lost weight?” is a only compliment because “fat” is negative. Because we live in a culture that tell us only thin women look good. Do you want to help perpetuate this?

Saying those 4 little words reminds me of an ex that I had. After our relationship, anytime we ran into each other, he’d say “you look great, have you lost weight”? Which he knew would get  my blood boiling. On a basic level, “have you lost weight” is a neg. A back-handed compliment which says you look great now, but before…

“Have you lost weight?” reinforces this marketing idea that everyone needs to lose weight, we should all be dieting. This is dangerous and just not true.

I am eating disorder-recovered. When I did have an eating disorder and I lost of weight really quickly. Some people didn’t say anything but other people commented, that I looked like a model or “glamorous” like Nichole Richie. But this was not a positive weight loss. So, when you say “you’ve lost weight-you look great” without knowing how or why the person lost weight, it can be negative.

I’m not saying we should refrain from making any body comments: when I was eating disordered it also messed me up that a lot of people said nothing. But I think we should check ourselves. If you don’t know how or why the person lost weight, you can comment neutrally on weight loss, or you can tell the person that they always look great.

But beyond the beauty-obsessed culture, is there a reason that “you’ve lost weight” is seen as a compliment. After-all don’t people look better healthy? What does biology dictate? About 90 percent of the time, men prefer women with a wasit to hip ratio of .7 ( waist being 70 percent the width of the hips). THis makes for a rather small waist and larger hips. Some cultures prefer heavier women and other cultures prefer lighter, but these proportions–which are considered healthy–are always about the same.

But, using biological attraction as a justification for “you’ve lost weight” reinforces this idea that beauty is what really, really matters most. Of course as intelligent beings, not solely driven by our biology, we know this is not true.

Commenting on each other’s looks seems to be the go to compliment. And this is what I think we should question. When you compliment someone, maybe ask is it their look that I am drawn to?  You can say things like: your ideas/thoughts are really interesting,  you seem really connected, or aware or in really good place. Your energy just is awesome.

After all when we do find ourselves grasping for a compliment towards someone we are feeling warm to, isn’t that what we are usually talking about, something less obvious…something that has shifted inside rather than out?

Other lovely bloggers who have written on this topic:
Cynosure: “Why You’ve lost Weight is Not a Compliment”

Already Pretty: You’ve Lost Weight, You Look Great

Greta Christina: Evolving Thoughts about Weight and Sex