Since my late teen years, identifying as a pro-sex feminist, I wanted to be okay with porn, to like porn, to be the girlfriend that you could not only openly talk about porn with, but trade with from vast collections. I wanted to be comfortable with porn, but in reality I wasn’t.
Whether it is true or not, I think this idea remains that men are the large purveyors of porn while women are sitting across the room with their arms crossed. While past statistics have certainly shown men are the biggest percentage of porn consumers, new research shows that women’s consumption of porn is steadily rising. While I think that is great, it is undeniable that a lot of women do not consume porn…probably most women. There is nothing wrong with this, porn is not necessary to a healthy sexual life. But, like the ubiquitous lady-friendly vibrator, porn can be another tool in your sexual arsenal, this is advocated by sex-educators like Violet Blue.
It is totally understandable that most women don’t show an interest in porn and that is because most porn is really bad. Too often it features actors that seem to have stepped out of a time warp to 1987. Or, the popular image of twin blondes with blown up breasts and manicured tips flicking at one and other’s clits comes to mind. Too often mainstream porn is racist, sexist and includes actors and actresses who just don’t look like they are very comfortable either.
I don’t remember the first time I watched a porn, but I think I must have been shown it by a boyfriend. When a partner you are dating shows you porn, it can become a very vulnerable situation. Is this what he is into? I had no idea that what he liked was big breasts/skinny women/redheads/Asian women/Caucasian women/etc. I have done this too many times and I know that it stems from my self esteem and uncertainty about my sexuality. However, in the moment I would have a million “yeah, but’s” to back up my problems. “Yeah but, it is objectifying her”, or ”Yeah but I just feel sorry for her.”
It is no wonder that we have a lot of different reasons ready for why porn is wrong; we’ve been fed them our entire lives. Whether it is from the religious right or anti-porn feminists, this background noise has told us “porn is wrong, bad, porn degrades women, and you are bad if you watch porn.” It is a generalization to say all porn does x and secondly, it assumes that a woman cannot make her own choices, cannot choose to be an exhibitionist or enjoy sex just because she happens to inhabit a body that culture has a skewed view on.
When I was 21 and living alone for the first time, I began to dip my toes into internet porn. I knew porn was a way to get off alone, and a safe way to satisfy cravings. But after finding porn I enjoyed…I was left with traces of guilt. While my mother was not a feminist, she did come of age in the second-wave era and taught me that porn was gross, degrading. Those echoes of “porn is wrong, you are bad” rang in the air moments after it was pierced with the sounds of my orgasm.
I finally had to challenge these ideas. Porn can be good, sexuality and exploring sexuality is okay. I’m not some porn-super-woman who has it all figured out. There are still times when I feel sensitive to porn or certain sexual acts. What I have learned is to not globalize. After a bad porn experience it is easy to slip into “I don’t like porn, all porn is bad.” But the smarter we women get about it, the more we can openly talk about porn and share links and tips, the more likely it is that porn for women will continue being made and it will only get better and better.
Porn for women is being made: feminist porn, indie softcore porn, queer porn with an array of real bodies for every woman to identify with. You can just say no to bad porn, you can and should stop the video if you feel uncomfortable, and you have every right to find porn that turns you on.
7 Comments
Nicely handled, Rabbit.
I have experienced three significant (negative) factors that lead to what I view as “bad porn”.
First, is the assumption by many that there exists any universal definition of “good or bad” to begin with. We all have different tastes. On the topic of porn itself, “bad” to me is “sexist”. For others, it may be lighting, costume, dialog, body shape, skin color, close-ups, music, age….and so on.
Second, is that as a rule, we all get freaked out over sex. Religions, cultures, laws, customs, patriarchy, sexism and family dynamics have largely adopted a negative view of sex. This could be due to a desire to see ourselves as different than animals. Nothing is more basic and animalistic than sex. It is the antithesis of our civilised constructions of language, identity and purpose. Sex reveals our animal hide because it is of the physical body.
I suspect that because it is so commonly accepted that sex is to be private or is in some way “bad” in itself, that any discussion of sex or porn is liable to allow credence to some talk of why porn is bad. Sex is just a thing, like lumber. We don’t see many people getting upset about lumber, (although we probably should). Lumber doesn’t even factor into everyone’s life. The overwhelming majority of people on this planet are here because of sex. But, holy cow – do we ever have issues with sex?!
Third, there are the pervasive elements of our society in everything. There are crappy manufacturers of everything. Patriarchy is everywhere. Shitty workmanship, sexism, misogyny, laziness and stupidity are going to be not only a part of porn, but actually a selling point in some cases. Some men will get off on being sexist and some men will get off on making sexist porn. The same formula exists for any other definition of “bad” that may be applied in describing porn, art, cars, work, etc.
That’s my two-cents for today. Thanks for this post.
-arvan
.-= sexgenderbody´s last blog ..Gay Humanists Warn: Vatican and Italian Government Have Blood on their Hands =-.
Arvan,
I love the topic you bring up, bad porn is totally different to everyone and it is sometimes shocking to see the variety of reactions that the large array of porn brings!
You also bring up an interesting point, which is sexism in porn. A feminist quandary is begging to be adding in here, which is: what if I like sexist porn, what if it is all I find hot? I think that liking sexist porn does not make you a bad feminist. It sort of shows that with sexuality the social rules go out the window. There is no right or wrong or political correct-ness with porn. There is only finding what is comfortable for you. And as you say, sexist porn may be the getting off point for some men…or women!
Personally I feel icky after seeing sexist porn, although I am not sure if that is because I actually don’t like it or because of my own feminist guilt.
Great work Rachel. I’m glad you bring up porn’s qualitative properties and surmise that porn is not essential to a healthy sex life, but also allude that it is necessary to be understood for a more critical, balanced view of sexuality and human kind. You give the term “bad porn” a duality between second-wave Mom and your every day Siskels and Eberts of Porno, which is humorous and relevant to me. The understanding of porn, like it, love it, or not, liberates an individual from the anxiety which can be prescribed on the issue by society. Its viewing can be essential to our growth as individuals in the modern world.
As a male who was encouraged by my peers to view porn at a ripe age, I was able to form an opinion on the subject early which colored my opinion today: not to watch very much porn. One reason is because watching porn somehow included me in their pro-porn 16-year-old peer group, and most of them I didn’t care to talk to about sexuality with. They would joke about the ineffectual nature of plot, but I wished for more plot, as well as real characters and tension in romance/lust. They want 5 minutes and glory shots, I want feature length and dirty talk. Their opinions tended to make me feel alienated and indifferent to porn. The experience felt taken away from me because there wasn’t anybody to discuss it with as your article invites discussion. I was made to feel more cerebral about sex and less “manly” and more “effeminate” on the subject, which is ludicrous. It is another one of those reasons why I don’t feel relation to a lot of straight males though, and developed favoring a queer side of myself, and that’s important to how internet pornography shaped my life. I’m sure a bunch feel the same way I do but give into the majority pressure about what is standard in porn. In deciding how the viewing of pornography is essential/healthy to my sex life and how much of it I want to watch, I learned a lot about what it is about sex I appreciate overall. Yes, I am a male who hardly ever watches porn (less than 1+ hours a year) and this is typically viewed as a surprise and has to come out as an admission. In no way am I saying porn doesn’t have a future or play a role in my sex life because I tend not to watch it. In fact, I’m saying the opposite is true, its influence has had one of the widest personal and cultural effects I have ever seen. I could never deny the importance of porno. The coincidence is that I am made to feel anxious or like an outsider by regular partakers for deciding to partake in so little. For a woman, it is expected not to and that to me is what’s raunchy in the porn scene!
The schism in the porn industry extends in a mind-numbing amount of directions. Am I wrong in thinking the average straight male viewer, who can so easily be portrayed boasting about favorite actresses, websites, and films as well as identify their guilt-free relationship with porno and masturbation (I’m thinking of the “American Pie” legacy right now), economically decides for the industry what content is favored and what associations are made with it? I’m talking about the invisible hand of the economy, pardon the pun, but also, for others, for a different type of porn consumer group (bdsm, water sports, vampires in zebra suits, whatever) how discussion of their habits is considered a faux pas. I think that is discrimination and ignores economic interest, and hurts the market. It is existing in a moral issue of shame which needs to be left in the past. Even for Mrs. Rabbit, who introduced me to the importance of this type of discussion, saying she felt guilty feelings for her normal 21-year-old cravings for safe sex with porno is privy to this. It is no doubt empowering for her readers to hear this admission (third-wavers rejoice and be praised). The statement: porn is finally becoming an avenue for us to discuss healthy safe sex. And why shouldn’t it be? It is like watching a how-to tape on sex, without having the embarrassment of asking Mom and Dad about the birds and bees, or learning it in a dubious and degrading setting like a locker room or the back of the school bus. The future of the industry is married to healthier sexual communication and is extremely important for our understanding of ourselves and culture as we take on this new era. I wonder, will our embrace cause a sea change towards the ultimate quality porno future? Something like a resurgent 70′s broadcast in shiny XXX online theaters?
This is just the beginning of porno and we should be excited. We have only watched it on the internet for a couple of decades and look how much it has changed already. I hope porno of the future will be of consistently higher quality; budget, story, character, and environment. Read the book “Little Birds” by Anais Nin and tell me women shouldn’t be in charge of more porn. Read anything by Anis Nin for that matter. Women are already having their say in the issue and have been too long silenced as consumers and creators to help make better porn for us all. XXX Cheers-Love XXX.
Great article Rabbit. I have enjoyed porn for better than 20 years now and really never questioned why some pornography turned me on or bummed me out until I read this piece. I have dated girls that were into porn and girls that were repulsed by it and the fact that I enjoyed it on a regular basis. I have had family members and friends do there best to guilt me into feeling perverted or shameful for having a “Porn Collection.”
I like Porn. I like football and Skateboarding too. To me Porn is not that different from watching Skate videos or football, its entertainment.
I think it is easy for people to attack pornography for sexism, racism, fetishism (that may not be a word)or any thing under the sun that can be offensive to a individual, but you don’t have to delve into porn to be offended, just tune into your local top 40 radio station or turn on the television. Does the recorded sex act intensify sexism, racism
or homophobia?
Women and Porn? There is as many types of Porn as there is music these days and females are producing and directing it more than ever before. A good deal of the porn from these female dominated companies are shot and written from a feminist perspective. Can a woman be sexist? Sure. Just as an Asian, African, or Caucasian can be racist. Porn like food and other forms of art and entertainment is subjective. What leaves a bad taste in ones mouth may be a delicacy to another. Ones Sigur Ros is another’s Puddle of Mud.
Hi, very interesting post. I have wrestled with the question of how morality and pornography intermingle for quite some time. While I no longer view Porn as a moral issue, something I try to keep in mind is that Pornography is largely, or has become largely, about objectifying the human body, male or female. While I still utilize pornography for masturbatory purposes I have steadily tried to wean myself away from “hardcore” (visible penetration, etc) and more towards cheesecake. I do not believe this to necessarily be a “better” choice but one that is helping me traverse the arc from pure objectification towards something more erotic. I do not view the blanket objectification of the human body as a healthy mindset, and believe that prolonged exposure to “hardcore” pornography can have detrimental affects on one’s life – ie. simple example would be the emphasis on the external rather than internal in popular culture when it comes to attraction, though I realize Pornography is not solely responsible for this. Also, as you stated in your post, the majority of Porn consumers are men and, according to statistics (see book “Porn in America”, I believe that’s what it’s called), prolonged consumption of Pornography leads young men to view women as existing purely for their “sexual pleasure” and expect romantic relationships to function largely akin to the relationships they view in the films.
Lastly, in your post you mentioned that many feminists, etc try to utilize Pornography as a tool in their arsenal for defending their values and placing themselves in a position of sexual power. I do not think this is a productive approach. I should mention at this point that I do not have a problem with sex or sexuality (for what it’s worth), but stealing the Bullwhip from the master to go onto flail yourself or other people is not displaying power or a superior understanding. I do not see Pornography and torture as synonymous, but it’s the best metaphor that came to mind. I largely see this approach as the victim victimizing themselves so as to feel they are empowered, but it smells of reciprocating a cycle of abuse.
Another useful question to ask might be: Who are these performers behind Pornography that we are getting off on, and why are they where they are?
Speaking as a woman who does watch porn, I appreciate this article. For me, watching porn is a way to explore sex and sexuality, a way to help me figure out what kinds of things do or do not appeal to me.
Looking through your site, I guess what stands out most to me is that, as a primarily heterosexual female, the imagery you consistently use on your site doesn’t turn me on at all. It’s mostly pictures of women, and most of them would make the pages of vogue.
I just want to see hot men, objectified, outside the context of gay male porn. But it seems that is almost impossible to find.
I’m starting to think there’s a conspiracy.
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