At work sometimes it feels like you are dealing with people that are closer to barbarians than the empathetic and aware people we all have the capacity to be. Kind of like gradeschool.
And that is my aha–you aren’t dealing with savages but rather with everyone’s inner child.
Time Magazine came out with a piece about this whole topic, diving into how we re-play our childhoods in the workplace. This story relied on data from Sylvia Lafair, a Ph.D. in clinical psychology whose book on the topic, Don’t Bring It to Work: Breaking the Family Patterns that Limit Success, was recently published. Lafair’s studies show that unconsciously, we react in accordance to the role we played in our family, because this is unconscious and so often unexamined we play these same situations out over again and again.
“When a co-worker tries to one-up you and make you feel stupid, you may suddenly find yourself reacting to the older brother who always put you down. Or when your boss demands that costs be cut, suddenly he is your parent who could never make ends meet,” says Lafair, adding, “Reactions happen in milliseconds. The trigger is usually stress. As anxiety rises, people’s ability to respond in a mature manner goes down.”
I’ve found myself thinking of the work-space like a playground where the work we do is like a giant game. When I first imagined it this way it seemed silly that we all took it so seriously, dressing up and emotionally investing so much into it. . In the playground of work I fear I am not all that much different than in the playground of elementary school: I am still stand-offish, easily hurt and feel like I don’t fit in.
A technique that I have found somewhat helpful is to actually imagine your co-workers and everyone you interact with for one day as children. Try to see that inner child, what they looked like, sounded like, what their lives must have been like. I think this does wonders for the ability to empathize with people, and it also sheds new light onto why people react the way they do as well as bringing sympathy and understanding for bad moods or overall sourness.
6 Comments
Great article,
will be trying this!
“A technique that I have found somewhat helpful is to actually imagine your co-workers and everyone you interact with for one day as children”
I had been thinking along these lines, useful to see it written down
Ps. Cute picture!
Great article!
The part about responsibility gives me a lot of insight into how I look at my own history. It really clears up a lot of questions I’ve had.
Thanks so much!
What about the positive relationships, and not the negative ones, that form in the workplace that are productive? For example, my boss treats me like a son, and I look up to his example and try to work hard for him. We have a very positive relationship. My other boss was almost moved to tears when a student in the workplace was rude to me, almost as if it was happening to her own son. When I feel as if I am “taken care of” in the workplace, or that I have a safe and familial feeling, I feel more able to be productive, less stressed, and happier in general. PS I totally forgot about Ralph, the little dog that plays the piano, in Muppet Babies, he is so darling in that bib and diaper. Maybe we should have work parties, where we wear similar outfits, and explore our inner child. I’m so creepy. Love.
Joe, I think I know who the co-worker acting like a child in your office is
I really do appreciate this article more than you know, especially with the work-place struggles that I encounter quite a bit. Like you mentioned, I also get easily hurt by others’ sour moods and this is some very sound advice to look within and not process other people’s emotions, while figuring out what triggers us
Thanks again!