So let’s talk about your list, your number, that mental tab you keep of everyone that you have slept with. There is a stereotype that men are more open about this, their list equaling bragging rights. I don’t think this is necessarily true, but I also don’t think we ladies talk as openly about our conquests the way that some men seem to: openly, joyously and with pride. It is more of a secret kept for diaries and maybe one BFF.
So how does your list make you feel? I used to derive, not only a power but a sort of comfort from mine. Some women collect shoes, I collected sexual partners. I liked re-counting images of all of the people I’d slept with, imagining them sweaty, dirty, ready for a fight. I also liked imagining someone locking them all in one room, maybe with some music and drinks, forcing them to interact. Would they guess what they all had in common? Who would get along? Who would already know each other? I sense the makings for a reality TV series in this.
Our number isn’t something we really talk about in general. What if for one day everyone had to wear their number pinned to their chest, free for all to see: on the bus, in the office, at the bar. It is funny and silly but something about this feels sort of freeing. The no-no of number-telling is true for both men and women. If there is anything I learned from dating/sleeping with gads of dirty hipster boys, it is this: 1.) Dirty hipster boys have tried crack …I don’t know why, I think maybe it is just something they do…like playing the guitar. 2.) With most guys you are just dating (or whatevering) asking their number freaks them out. They may get uncomfortable, offended or lie and possibly recite a shockingly high digit with dirty details.
Of course with lying, women I’ve known are just as bad: “No, cut your number in half then cut it in half again.”
But when you are in a relationship the “How many before me” question is inevitable. This is also scary. Sometimes hearing about our partner’s number incites in us anger or sadness or jealousy. Why would the consensual sex your partner had before ever meeting you have this much of an affect? Doesn’t this seem a bit severe?
Photo By: Ryan McGinley
3 Comments
i think, for me, the thing that is tricky/undesirable about sharing this information is that there is a potential for feelings of inadequacy if the partners’ numbers are vastly different. for instance, there’s me. i had only had one sex partner before my current partner. he, on the otherhand, had seven sex partners before me, most of them within the span of a year (he’s also a year younger than me). after this information was divulged, i couldn’t help but wonder how i matched up to the others. were they more experience than i was? more inventive? just better lovers? but the truly MADDENING thing about it was that he felt no intimidation or jealousy; i divulged the secrets of my one previous partner, who was utter rubbish (and now a fabulous cocktail story). so to wrap this rambling up, it can be a tricky subject between partners and an all-out pissing contest for groups of men, but i think that groups of women shouldn’t be afraid to get together and discuss their conquests, if you will, the same way that men. it can be empowering to sit in a room with women who aren’t afraid to talk like men and share the most intimate of secrets without batting an eyelash.
i love love love your blogs!
this post reminded me of… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwNVE37BGVE
Great post! I kept a super tight list in writing…I should burn that btw. Anyway, I know how foggy it gets if you don’t write every name down. Last names? Super blurry. I would love to see photos of each person on my husband’s list. Heeheee.